When to go back to work?

[SoLongSuzanne]

My mum died very unexpectedly on Wednesday. Its all been so fast - the funeral was yesterday as she was in Ireland and I’m back in London this morning.

Work has asked about my plans for the next week - I work in finance in the city and can’t think straight enough to make a cup of tea at the moment not to mind doing a 12 hour, client-facing work day.

Would really appreciate advice from anyone who has gone through this. When were you able to go back to work and did you find it helped?

What leave do they give you ?

I went back the week after the funeral as I couldn’t stand sitting in the house thinking about it.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I was signed off by my doctor for almost a month when my dad passed away. I guess everyone is different but i needed that time.

Sorry for your loss
I was signed off work for 6 weeks.
It's only been 4 days op, you need some time.

Thanks for the replies, it’s really helpful as I’ve no perspective at the moment. It’s so hard. I have a couple of weeks of holiday built up so could take those, I just don’t know if it’ll be good for my head being at home.

My DH took 3 weeks off, think it was a week compassionate leave and 2weeks sick. He had to sort all her finances so that literally took up all his time.
Its only been a few days OP, i would give yourself at least a few days off work 💐

I took the week after my mums funeral off. Am in Ireland so that would have been soon after her death also.
I found it helpful to go back to work but everyone is different.
I did have some leave pre booked though so I was back for about 2 weeks then off so that helped a bit.
I think take this week and see how it goes. Grief is tiring , you need rest.
for the loss of your mum.

I took 5 weeks compassionate leave. I could have easily taken another week as I really didn't feel ready to go back & face the world. I would definitely take next week off. I deal with clients all day also and I know I couldn't have done my job properly. Take your time.

6 weeks.

Take it week by week and see how you go. You don't have to spend the time sitting on the sofa dwelling about it - arguably you shouldn't do that - but you do need to give yourself the breathing space/processing time to feel able to tackle work again.

Shock takes a physical toll as well as a mental one. It's ok to pause to do whatever you need to care for yourself.

Even if you were signed off for a month you could agree to go back sooner if you felt ready - you don't have to commit right this second. Especially if decisions about cups of tea are overwhelming at this stage (which is understandable).

Don't beat yourself up.

I'm so sorry for your loss x

When my dad died last year I had a full week of bereavement leave, worked half days the following week and then 2 full days the week after and 3 days off (one was the funeral). I went back full time the the beginning of the following week.

I love my job so I felt like it was a way to focus my brain somewhere else, plus as I worked from home it made things a bit easier if I needed to take a break.

Everyone is different tho and people deal with things in different ways so don't put pressure on yourself to do things before you're ready.

My DH took 3 days off after his Dad died. He was working from home though so didn't find work too bad, was able to take the dog for a walk at lunch to have a breather etc. I wonder if it would have been a different matter if he'd been expected to go into the office, esp as his Mum had died years earlier so he and his brother not only had grief to deal with but also dealing with everything else too.

Wishing you well OP, be kind to yourself x

I am sorry for your loss, OP.

I went back the week after. I couldn't bear to sit at home thinking about it, once the practical things were dealt with. The DC also went straight back to school. However, I am very much a 'crack on with it' type of person.

However, everyone has different ways of dealing with these things.

I took 2 weeks off after my dad died, with hindsight, it probably wasn’t enough, as I frequently deal with death, dying and the aftermath and it was tough for a good while

Be kind to yourself

Absolutely, go gently with yourself.

We have two weeks compassionate leave no questions asked or as much as is required, with a doctors note beyond two weeks.

It's not just about whether you can drag yourself into work and sort of function. It's about making sure when you are in work you are ready to face it, so people don't have to make allowances while avoiding having people react badly to unexpected things. What I mean is ...

I had been very practical after my DFather died. It was not unexpected and we pulled together to sort what needed sorting. I had intended to go back to work two weeks later.

The day before, I popped into a supermarket, saw the first of the seasons rhubarb was in, reached to buy some for DF as it was his particular favourite and ... petty much fell apart.

People were very kind, found water, tissues and time holding my hand. No one wants that sort of thing happening at work.

When my father died I had a week off between then and the funeral. I wanted a couple of days off after the funeral. Work however were being twats so the doctor signed me off for 2 weeks. It wasn't even like it was essential for me to be there. Everyone is different though.

I'm so sorry to hear this, my dad is currently in ICU in Ireland. I live here too. We get a week's leave for a death but my boss has told me to take what I need this week too as he hasn't passed yet but we know it's only a matter of a couple of days max. Im in two minds whether to work from home or not. Im in a complete daze. He was fine yesterday and twenty minutes after we left he had a massive heart attack. 😔

I’m very sorry for your loss

I went back I think a fortnight after my dad died (also in Ireland so all very quick etc) and it was too soon.

It’s very subjective of course, but I had a large team and just wasn’t able to properly be a leader and got into all sorts of difficulty.

Not long after, I found out my mum was terminally ill so I took unpaid leave and told work I’d see them when the time was right (I worked in a place where it was possible to do that and obviously for fortunate to be able to do that financially).

I would plan for longer than you think you need and you can always go back earlier.

When my mum died I went back far too early, people’s kindest brought on my tears and once I started I couldn’t stop. I would say when you think a work colleague can acknowledge your mums death without you falling apart, assuming they know, would of made it so much easier for me if they didn’t know. Please take your time, the grief will come in waves, looking after yourself is number one priority xxx

I think it's personal opinion. For me I wanted normality. I had 4 days off when my dad died and 2 days off for the funeral. One before and one the day of the funeral. That was it.

I clicked on this as wondering the same thing. My dad died very suddenly on Tuesday night - no idea for us yet when the funeral will be as I’m pretty sure he’ll need a post mortem but the coroners haven’t been in touch yet, plus there is a huge amount to try to sort out (he was a hoarder and leaves behind my mum who is in poor health and now living alone).

I don’t know the answer but I do know there’s no way I could work this week even leaving the practical issues aside. Just wanted to send my love and solidarity to you really xxx

No hard and fast rules and supportive employers will be exactly that. Having just lost my husband, I tried to work part-time from home the days after. My brain wasn't working properly as I was distraught. I took a week off compassionate leave then signed off for 4 further weeks. Only just back this week. Hard-going but I do have a very supportive boss.

From other experiences, not all grief comes out immediately following. If you don't give yourself time, you may end up in a dive at a later date. Your GP will be supportive to providing a fit note. Xx

@SoLongSuzanne
@chinateapot
Very unmumsnetty hugs to you both. My Mum died very suddenly and unexpectedly on Monday, so am in a similar position to you both. I got 2 days compassionate leave, but have now hit a sick bit from my doctor for 2 weeks. I can’t imagine going back at the end of that tbh as it’s looking like the funeral won’t even have happened by then due to a post-mortem being needed.
Take as long as you need, don’t be pressured into going back.

It’s a very personal decision. When our Mum died, my sister took a total of 4 days off (including the funeral). I had 3 months. My sister threw herself back into work. My work was healthcare and related to Mum’s death, I’d only been there a few weeks when she passed. My sister had been in her field a while and could comfortably do her job. Neither of us was “right”, we just did what we felt was best for us. Neither of us begrudge the other for the choices we made.

I would say when you feel like you’re functioning okay again, go back. I got signed off sick by my GP after my authorised leave ran out. I’m sorry for your loss