My dad died

[Blizy]

I just need somewhere to vent and get feelings off of my chest.
My Dad died last week, I was with him until the end. It was the most traumatic experience of my life. He was in so much pain, he was shouting, crying, yelping. I rang his buzzer for the nurses but no one came. I shouted out of his door for help, but they never came. My poor dad.
He was gasping and making the most horrible noise I have heard. He finally passed after 7 minutes of "one last breath".
Still no one came.
I just can't stop thinking about the last hour (especially the last 7 minutes), it plays in a loop, I can see him, hear him.
I am holding myself together for my kids, mum and siblings but not sure how long I can do that for.

In so sorry this has happened to you, offering up a hand hold at this horrible time. I hope you've got friends and family around who are able to support you.

My dad died in not too different circumstances 6 months ago. The grief I felt at the time was enormous and I couldn't see ever getting beyond it. Everything felt like it was in slow motion, I slept for 14 hours a night and was numb to the world. But, slowly, this did start to change, little by little.

The best things I did for myself were-

• cry when I felt like it, not hold it in
• take 2 weeks of work to just exist
• LOTS of crap TV and duvet time on the sofa
• asking for help and hugs when needed
• sign up for Hello Fresh - I didnt even have the energy to cook, and this got our household through a good three months.

Please look after yourself and use this board whenever you need- it really helped me.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

My BF lost her dad under very similar circumstances. She was traumatised not only by his loss but the way in which he died. She needed specialist counselling to process it. Perhaps when you’ve had some time you should look into this.

Take care of yourself.

I am so sorry for your loss; and even more saddened by the manner of his death. There is absolutely no reason at all why anyone should die in that way - we have the means to make people comfortable and it should be a given that the NHS offer this and offer it in a timely manner.

My OH died last year - in a nursing home - and he was peaceful throughout the 10 days it took him to die - hospice nurses visited; he had all the right drugs to keep him comfortable; I only had to say that I could see there were signs of distress (however small) and someone came with an injection for him.

This is how it should be - and can be - for everyone. But nurses on NHS wards are beyond over-worked, and they are too frightened to administer any drug without having to track down a doctor to sign a bit of paper - that can take a very long time.

My heart goes out to you - it is bad enough to lose a loved one, but under these circumstances ..... it is wholly unacceptable.

When you are feeling more on top of things it might be worth drawing the attention of the PALS team at the hospital to this disgraceful treatment. Seriously - you might go some small way to preventing anyone else suffering in that way.

@Mischance the thing is the dr had prescribed anticipatory drugs for my dad. I am ashamed to say when the nurse finally came into his room I gave her a bollocking! The excuse was that they couldn't find the drug cupboard key.

An hour or so before he died we asked for him to be turned as he had a terrible bed sore on his bottom that was causing him pain. When we were back in the room afterwards he was in a huge amount of pain, he was grasping for my hand and shouting "help me". The nurse/health care assistant has removed his shunt from above his groin area when turning him. Looking back now this makes me believe they had already decided he wasn't getting any pain relief.
He died of pneumonia, but had lung fibrosis. He was essentially slowly suffocating and his body shutting down because of lack of oxygen.
When i am a bit stronger I will be contacting PAL for some answers, I need some closure.

This is desperately upsetting for you, Blizy. I'm so sorry that you, your beloved dad and your family had to go through such a traumatic experience. It's wrong in every way.

Definitely contact PALS when you feel strong enough and see whether you feel like pursuing a complaint.

I lost my darling mum last year and was with her at the end. She was sedated. It felt cataclysmic watching her go and while it wasn't exactly what I'd term a 'peaceful' death - to my huge distress, she didn't just fade gently away as I'd hoped - it was nothing like what you've described.

Try to be kind to yourself. I know it's so hard but you've been through a terrible experience. If/when you feel up to it, you'd be very welcome to join us on the thread for those who've lost a parent. People are hugely supportive on there.

Thinking of you

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

If you feel it would help, it might be worth writing down the facts and timings now while it is fresh in your mind, to use if you do want to pursue it later.

Try to lean on others for support to make sure you get space to grieve.

I am glad that you will be contacting PALS - you could do some good for someone else.

When my OH was so ill in hospital the nurses were frantic - too few of them, too little equipment, too few doctors for back-up - patients had to wait and wait for their needs to be met. We were there throughout every day just making sure he was hydrated and fed as best we could.

The nurses knew that things were not as they should be but could do nothing. They can only be in one place at a time. I felt so sorry for them, as well as desperate for my OH.

Thankfully we were able to get him out of hospital to a more comfortable and quiet place.

I am so sorry that this experience was so dreadful for you and of course for your dear Dad.

This is so awful, I am so sorry you had to go through that OP. I lost my dad too with some similar circumstances. Definitely go to PALS when you feel up to it. Here if you need to chat or for any advice regarding PALS. I had some bereavement counselling but am on a waiting list for some more.

My dad died with similar symptoms although the hospice nurses were doing everything they could to ease his passage. He realised what was happening and fought it all the way. The only time he calmed down was when we got the catholic priest to give him the Last Rites, and I told him that his mum and dad and my mum were waiting for him and they’d be wondering where he was.

I didn’t go for counselling but I did speak to my GP and the pain control doctor at the hospice - she wasn’t on duty that night but they both gave me some reassurance that a bit of it would be a reflex, and although it would have seemed like an age going through it, it wouldn’t have been. Some senses go first, like the gag reflex, so when they can’t swallow properly, or can’t breathe easily, a lot is just the body’s reaction to that. I think what made it worse was that when my mum died 11 years earlier she just slipped away and I expected the same. My GP has the opinion that we have hands to welcome us into the world, and ideally we should have hands to let us go. Be proud that he had that - he had you, and he will have died knowing that you were with him right to the end and he didn’t have to go through that alone.

I'm very sorry your poor Dad suffered in his final hours. My Mum died three weeks ago, Alzheimer's which the final stages which aren't pretty. Fortunately we got her into the hospice for her last 48 hours.

Rest in peace for your Dad and my Mum xx

I am sorry others have experienced this too. It's just awful.
Thank you @WhatDidISayAlan that helps a little.
@Thisbastardcomputer I'm sorry you lost your mum too.