Coping strategies around annual events, Xmas etc

[stuffnthings]

Hi all, I’m just looking for any advice or experience on how you and your family have coped with various annual events after losing someone.

For context, DC and I have managed to navigate quite a few significant occasions since my DW died back in January and it’s been okay as they have been single, day events, which have been generally fun and positive.

However we’re in November and Christmas is on the horizon, not just a day to manage, but all the build up that goes with it. It’s compounded for me in that Christmas was also the time my DW was first diagnosed with cancer, also the same when diagnosed with secondary cancer, and last Christmas we found out it was terminal. I’m also remembering what was happening this time last year and it’s hard.

We have nice things planned for the festive period, but would welcome any thoughts from people who’ve been through it.

Planning is the key for me. If I know what we are doing and who we are seeing, and make plans specifically for the family to be part of I know we will get through. The times I've failed to plan we get sucked into a vacuum, of just muddling through, and it creates pits of sadness we fall into. At Christmas I always make time to try to find good memories of that time with our gorgeous daughter who is no longer with us and make a point of talking about her, and to enable others to not avoid the topic. The avoidance is the worst for me. I'd rather remember, laugh, cry than stoically try to get through bottling it up.

I found it was much easier after the first year. You have a roadmap then and a sense of what the new 'normal' looks like. I think it's important to keep some of the traditions you had with dw but to start some new ones too. It's important to allow yourself time to be sad, too - try not to wallow but this is a big milestone and it can be daunting. Just my experience.

After my DH died, our DD and I always meet and have a meal on his birthday and death day. It has always been joyful, though the run-up hasn't.

Christmas is as it always has been, as it was when he was alive, but because we actually like it, too.

Thank you all, really appreciated, some good food for thought.

This will be our second Christmas and potentially worse as it was very new last year and we got through it with chocolate, tears, wine and Netflix on a loop.

This year we had a family chat about what we wanted/didn't want. For example no tree and no cards, but we will have presents and a roast, but just not on Christmas Day. We will visit the grave and have a special candle. We might try and make some new traditions too, so we are looking forward as well as back.