Intrusive Thoughts

[Lactarius]

My 16 year old son committed suicide just over 6 months ago. I discovered his body.

This is undoubtedly stating the bleeding obvious but since then I have been troubled by visions of how I found him coming at random times but particularly at night meaning that I usually cannot sleep resulting in just a few hours a night. Luckily I am still working from home so I can grab a 15 minute power nap here and there but with the forth coming return to the office this is not a long-term solution.

I haven't told anybody about this as the rest of the family have enough on their plates without worrying about me. I'm presuming that this is 'normal' and I just need to suck it up.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think it is "normal" in the sense that lots of people who have been through a traumatic event suffer in that way. However that doesn't mean there isn't support and help for it.
Have you had bereavement counselling?

I'm so very sorry.

I wonder if you have tried EMDR?

I had two sessions with an EMDR therapist as part of coping with bereavement by suicide and it wasn't for me but I know people who say it has helped them enormously?

There is nothing normal about what has happened to you and there is no solution to this other than to accept what has happened and find a way of living with it which you will do in time.

I am sorry this happened to you. It has disturbed you massively and will stay with you forever. It will become easier but if this was only six months ago then it is fresh in your mind and will haunt you until your mind calms down.
Perhaps get some counselling to learn strategies to put in place when you have intrusive thoughts. Things to do to stop the train of thought I am thinking.

Bless you

Oh gosh. Op, I am so sorry. What a tragic thing you have been through. I think, in a way, it's probably going to always be on your mind. That image will be etched in your memory. but the intrusive thoughts will pass and get less intense.

However, I do think some trauma processing from a therapeutic stance could be really helpful in the long run. I lost my mum to cancer when I was a teen, and for 12 years could only see her unwell and dying. It was only when I spoke to my therapist about her death (I mean the actual death, the whole weekend, the day itself - not just conceptually but kind of lived out the whole thing) that I felt I could put that behind me. My therapist used imagery rescripting, but EMDR is meant to be really useful for particularly traumatic memories where things seem stuck. You'd probably have to go private but for emdr you'd probably only need 6-8 sessions.

What you went through is a real trauma; try not to bottle it up. You deserve to process it (as much as you can), and to remember your boy for the good times as well as the bad.

Take care op.

@CiaoForDiNiaoSaur

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think it is "normal" in the sense that lots of people who have been through a traumatic event suffer in that way. However that doesn't mean there isn't support and help for it.
Have you had bereavement counselling?

I wouldn't even know how to be counseled. It's taken me this long to even write down the above - the idea of sitting and talking about feelings and other non-concrete stuff doesn't really come naturally to me.

Hi OP, I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. Yes, it is very common to experience intrusive images after a traumatic bereavement like this, but there are trauma focused therapies which could help you with these intrusions. Certainly no need to suck it up... I would recommend you look for an accredited therapist specialising in EMDR or trauma focused CBT. SOBS is also a great and supportive organisation for speaking to others who have been through this. Good luck OP.

Agree with all other PP. It may be that you have PTSD, you have been through a traumatic event. Along with feelings of not wanting to be here yourself, depression, anger etc is completely normal however untreated it can just get worse. I don't agree that you have to suck it up or find a way to just deal with it - your future can be bright again but therapy will be part of that.

Don't worry about talking feelings etc, it's not necessarily like that and you don't go straight in and tell someone your whole life story and every morsal/thought you have or have ever had. I think it's absolutely vital and necessary that you at least speak to your GP or someone outside of your family.

I have no advice but am sending you lots of love, I'm so sorry for your loss

Lactarius my heart goes out to you.

I really recommend that you Google EMDR and have a think about it.

So sorry for your loss OP.

My very down to earth aunt had similar intrusive memories from a traumatic bereavement, and was helped enormously by a therapy similar to EMDR.

Take a look at the book The Body Keeps The Score, it explains how the stress chemicals flooding through the body and brain affect how memories are laid down and processed - why memories of something terrible can hang around as though it just happened, rather than being recorded and fading gradually like normal life events.

@Lactarius I came on to start a very similar thread.

I was bereaved by suicide over 2 years ago and although I never saw my sibling's body, I know the mode of death and have a very clear image in my head that comes back to me. Less frequently now than the first few months. But I have just been floored by reading a book that had a similar description of a death to my image and I just broke down.

My mother found my sibling and has been for some CBT to try to help with the trauma. Unfortunately in her area, the support is terrible. As someone else said, it meets criteria for PTSD but resources are so stretched she was not allowed to access the NHS clinic (despite her GP referring her) as it didn't meet the threshold.

I wonder if you are still in shock? I am only realising now how long it took for any kind of processing to happen (and so conscious I am nowhere near "done" processing).

We had another significant bereavement not long before my sibling died and I think we all assumed the grieving process would be similar. But suicide is its own beast. Not that we should compare people's personal grief but the processing of this mode of death is well researched as being particularly traumatic. And for a parent, it is just horrific. I know that my mum's experience of this bereavement is worse than mine, even if our grief is the same or at least uniquely our own.

I would really encourage you to contact SOBS, also CRUSE helped me a lot. Please try to find someone to share and don't minimise your grief or downplay the experience you have had. There are not many worse experiences in life, than what you have experienced.

I am so very sorry for your loss. Please speak to someone to find out options for counselling, as others have mentioned EMDR can be helpful for many people. You’ve experienced an awful trauma and could have PTSD. I found a family member unexpectedly passed away during lockdown, I would replay it constantly in my head and when I did sleep my dreams were horrific and felt so real. If I phoned someone or knocked on their door and they didn’t answer I had panic attacks and was physically sick. EMDR really helped me, i’m not saying it took it all away but the thoughts decreased and it helped me cope it better. It took a long time for the reality of it to sink in, shock is our way of trying to protect ourselves from trauma. When you say you don’t know how to be counselled I get that, but they do this all the time, you don’t need to know because thats part of their job and will guide you. There are no expectations, you dont need to go in and say everything. It’s your time and it can take time to build trust and feel safe enough to talk, if you go and it doesnt help then you haven’t lost anything.

Also remember there are helplines that you can call anytime where someone will listen to you day or night. There is even a texting helpline now called Shout. You can say whatever you need and this person doesnt know who or where you are.
You certainly don’t need to ‘suck it up’ you have experienced a huge trauma and the fact others in your life have been affected by it too doesn’t mean you need to keep it all to yourself, you are important.
It’s hard to put into words so I hope that i’ve made sense.