My dad died 5 weeks ago and it’s only just hit me

[Jinnybean]

The last 5 weeks Iv been fine, abit sad at the start but all abit “I’m ok, he’s at peace now”. I wondered what was wrong with me. I’m 31 and have lost both parents now. The week my heart aches, I feel numb, exhausted and “out of it”. I’m struggling to parent. Too exhausted to do the school run Iv been making excuses for someone to pick my youngest up from school. I feel awful.

I think everyone thinks I should be over it now (husband etc) but I’m really not. I feel like Iv been hit by a truck.

Doesn’t help that I feel so alone. I haven’t seen a single person since it happened. If it wasn’t for our puppy and me having to walk her I wouldn’t see anyone all day until my husband finished work. But tbh all I want to do is sleep.

I’m on antidepressants and mood stabilisers as I have BpD.

There are no rules about how and when you grieve. Just go with the flow, you feel how you feel, no one can tell you you are wrong.

I am so sorry you are having such a bad time. Perhaps you could contact Cruise and talk to someone about your mum.

My thoughts are certainly with you during such a tough time.

So sorry, I meant your dad.... I was thinking about my mum who died last year.

I am so sorry you lost your Father.

People who have not lost a parent do sometimes think you should just pull up your socks and get on with it.

I had to tell my lovely (young) boss that I was not able to deal with messy issues and difficult people the week after my parents died. She backed off right away but of course I felt bad.

Everyone grieves in their own way. Losing your last parent brings out lots of issues, including for me my own mortality.

I literally cried at night for months.

The only way through is to allow yourself to grieve, which is hard sometimes. You will learn to live with it.

Please take care. Be gentle on yourself and don't expect too much. It is early days.

When my dad died I went into practical mode, sorting out his house, probate etc. I didn't grieve properly for a few weeks then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I totally understand where you're coming from. My mum died end of Aug, and I too went straight into practical mode, checking on dad, going overboard doing fun things with the kids who I hardly saw over summer hols. These past few days have knocked me for six. There's no rules. Be kind to yourself.

I hear you.

I lost my Dad earlier this year having lost my mum 16 years previously. I am still in the temper tantrum phase of how unfair it is to have lost both parents and I'm not (quite!) 40.

Its ok to be numb. It's ok to still be grieving. It's ok to grieve your Dad differently to your mum.

Are you able to reach out to friends or other family? It doesn't necessarily need to be offload and cry (unless you want to) but sometimes just hanging out and chatting is good for the soul.

I’m quite bitter to my mil as well. She couldn’t stand her dad and he died in December. She’s 55 snd keeps going on and on about how she’s now an orphan. Her mum died a few years ago. I feel bitter that she had a long time with them. Her dad obviously absolutely adore her to leave a ridiculous amount of inheritance to her.

Hi, I'm so sorry your dad died. My mum suddenly and unexpectedly died three weeks ago and, yep, I'm still in practical mode. So I'm just waiting for the big wave of grief to hit me as currently I'm keeping a lid on it. Not sleeping much. Weeping occasionally. I know more is coming, I remember it from when my dad died 11 years ago when I was 33. Crushing, exhausting, overwhelming grief. Similar to yours by the sound of it.

Grief can be very lonely. No one can really experience it the same way as you, but finding someone to talk to really can help. Sharing memories of your dad, making a photo album of your parents best pictures, talking about your grief and the aching loss you feel.

If you want to just sleep, well, just sleep. That seems a great idea to me.

I'm going to say the obvious- it is easy to direct some of your anger at the unfairness of losing your dad, to a nearby target - your MIL. When you feel angry with her, observe your own emotion and try not to act on it. She may be being insensitive and crass, but just walk away or let your mind drift away from the hurt. It is not helpful to let that anger blow up into an argument you might regret later.

I've been angry recently. Angry at the lady at work who yelled at me over nothing.
"Don't you know my mum just died? Be nice!" I wanted to yell back.

Angry at my MIL who has been on a month's vacation in Europe, but didn't manage to find a moment to call me or write to me in the weeks since my mum died. Sent me a one line SMS on the day of the funeral, which she couldn't attend due to being busy sunning herself. "Thinking of you on this sad day x".

I forgive her. And I'll welcome her back into my home for the sake of my kids. I'll put on a birthday meal for her, and let my kids sing happy birthday to her. And push my grief into my pocket, somewhere down there with the tear-drenched tissues, and pretend I'm floating away, so I don't feel anything. Or pretend my mum just popped out to the garden centre and she will be back soon, just like my little boy keeps saying. "Gran come back soon, mummy. Gone long way away."

Im also angry at my husband who is acting like my mum hasn't died, doesnt mention her, doesnt ask how I'm doing, gives me a perfunctory hug if he spots me sobbing but clearly thinks that three weeks is enough time to pull myself together and, as you say OP, be over it.

The fact is I have stayed totally together - organising the funeral and sorting mum's house out , doing laundry, organising a Halloween sleepover for the kids, going to work, making packed lunches dinners, remembering to update the house insurance. I am so together it is starting to freak me out. DH, if he has noticed my state of hyper organisation, seems to be content to let me drive myself harder and harder. Even I can see I'm going to hit a wall soon, he must see it too. He doesnt try to stop me, he doesn't say a thing. He has no experience of grief, and I don't think he loves me very much, since doesnt empathise. I'm lonely too, OP, and it is a really horrid feeling.

My DH is hopeless, he has no clue what has just happened to me. My mum has gone. My best friend, my daily companion, my wise counsel. The person who got all my jokes, who knew my entire life inside out. A perfect grandma to my children. A perfect mother to me. Not a perfect person - I think only Jesus got to make that claim - but a wonderful lady whose absence is now mourned primarily by me.

I will never be over it.

Sure I'll carry on, I'll function, I'll exist. All the happiness will be etched with a dark shadow of sadness. All the laughter, a few blinks away from tears. I'll live alongside my grief for the rest of my days.

Without mum and dad, the two people on this planet who loved me unconditionally, I have lost something irreplaceable. Who will love me like that now? No one. I have to make do with carrying their memories in my heart and trying to live the way mum and dad would have wanted. To go on, facing forward not looking over my shoulder at the past.

So when that big exhausting wave of grief hits me, I'll try to remember the conversation I had with mum last year. "What will happen when I die? It will happen one day. It is not nice to think about that, I am afraid if I'm honest. And I worry about you and whether you will be okay without me," she said. "Oh God mum!" I replied. "I'll be an absolute mess for ages, but you know me, I'll muddle through. I'll be okay. I won't really lose you, I'll have you with me always. I will talk to you still, and think of all the little things that I would share from my day to make you giggle. I'll tell my kids about you, and your other grandkids overseas. I'll stay in touch with your friends, take cuttings from your garden, keep all your special things even though DH complains we have no space. It will be awful, obviously. I'll miss you every day. But, I'll be okay."

Give it time, OP. I hope you will be okay, one day, too.

There are not enough flowers in the universe for all of you sharing your losses.
There is no magic bullet, no get out of jail quick card, there is only one route, and that is giving yourself permission to think about your loss.
Our ancestors had a better relationship with the reality of bereavement, mourning clothes, customs, jewellery, to signify to the people around that they were grieving. It’s sad we don’t or can’t do that now. It’s a bit like a sunflower lanyard signifies a hidden disability, but we have no modern day outward symbols for the bereft.
Time, to talk, or to think, or to remember, and time to feel the love you have all absorbed from your dearly loved, and dearly loving parents.
Every time you cuddle or comfort your own child, or friend, or partner, you are passing that love on.
Thinking of you xx

I'm so sorry you've lost your dad. I lost mine last year and I felt much the same. Very numb for a while. Sometimes I'd be ok then all of a sudden I'd feel like you. I was in pain all over my body. I've been thinking about him tonight actually. My 8 yo cries about him sometimes. He kind to yourself. There are no rules or time limits. Some days are harder than others and you just have to see them through Hugs

Im sorry to read this, i too am the same, mum died 6 weeks ago my dad died 13 years ago, i am only 37 its so unfair.

I cared for my mum all the way and was there with her when she died, completely heartbreaking.

They were both so young.

Just to let you no you arent alone xx

I know exactly what you mean. My dad died a bit longer ago - maybe 9 weeks, which when I think about it is nothing, but I get a similar feeling that other people expect me to be over it and back to normal. I don’t feel normal at all. Some times I’m fine, sometimes I have no energy, sometimes I start crying for no apparent reason. Hugs to you OP. It’s a terrible time.

I’m so sorry op. You’re not alone. My mum died a horrible death 10 months ago and it’s only recently that it really hit me. It’s crushing, physically and mentally. I think in the early months I was simply too busy sorting her things out, working in nhs, moving house, to grieve.

No advice @Jinnybean but 5 weeks is still so current.

My parents both died within a few months of each other when I was 31 so I can relate. Feeling it's so unfair at the age I was then.

I will always be deeply sad, especially about the circumstances but it really is true that time is a healer to some extent. It honestly won't always feel so raw. Believe that but take one day at a time right now. Be kind to yourself. Expect nothing of yourself.

I've just lost my dad 3wks ago and mam 12yrs previously i could do with any advice how to get through this and be able to continue my life and make em both proud ... I cared for dad the past 10yrs round my job and now im at a loss with my free time round work and just dunno how I'm gonna move forward without him here 😔