How do we do this?

[Snoooozzze]

My dad is terminally ill with metastatic colon cancer and they (the drs) told us In August that we were likely to have 18 months with him but despite palliative chemotherapy his cancer has continued to spread and we're now looking at a few short months at best.

He's gone downhill so fast since they told him the latest news and is sleeping about 80% of the day and in so much pain when awake

I just don't know what to do to help him. He's always been a giant of a man (over 6 foot tall and 20 stone!) and he's now skin and bone and about 9.5 stone! His hair is all gone now and he's just grey in his skin, dark circles around his eyes and so weak and tired... it's so hard to see him how he is now but I'm so scared to look away and I feel like I'm holding my breath and hyperventilating at the same time...

I'm working full time and I'm spending most of my outside of work time in my parents house and trying to help my mum as much as I can as she isn't well herself (early heart failure)... it's just awful and I don't feel like im helping at all...

I'm so angry and sad! He's 63 for gods sake! We should have another 20 good years... we should be celebrating so many more birthdays and Christmases... he should be singing loudly to Elvis cooking another 20 Christmas turkeys or complaining about football and politics while we roll our eyes at him for so many more years. I shouldn't be preparing to say goodbye to my dad, or preparing my daughter to say goodbye to her grandad at 15years old... I shouldn't be holding my mums hand through this horrible time, being the google buffer when she's scared to death of what she will find if she types medical terms into her phone... I shouldn't be begging my siblings to visit him as I'm so scared they'll miss seeing him for the last time.

This is the worst of times in my 39 years and this isn't even the worst of what's to come... how do we do this?

Oh love I am so sorry xxx

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've recently gone through similar with my mum. She died in August. As for how you do it, you just do. You'll have to trust me on that. I asked myself the same question so many times through mum's illness. You must, must take some time for yourself too. Just go with the flow and deal with each hour at a time. Sending lots of love and strength to you

You are helping , just by being there is a big support , i too had to watch my dad fade , worst thing in my life so far .
I behaved totally normal in his company , i thought it would be disrespectful to him to do anything other .
My sister accused me of being unaware of how ill he was , i was completely aware but i knew my dad wouldn't want us to be mollycoddling him and treating him like an invalid.
Inside i was a wreck , it seemed unbearable .
You will do it i cant explain how but you will .
I found having a good cry in the shower helped as no one could hear me, I'd then pull myself together and get on with it.
My heart goes out to you.

Thank you for your lovely replies

I'm so sorry for your losses also!

Today was a slightly better day than yesterday as he ate something so I'm happy for small victories today!

I felt sad reading this and my heart goes out to you. All you can do is stay strong even if you don't feel so. Take each day as it comes and cherish every moment you spend with your dad.
Thinking of you

So sorry to read this. I went though this in 2019 with my Mum. All I wanted for say was you will get through it. Keep breathing. Take small chunks of time for a cuppa, or a bit of fresh air. With hindsight it’s a privilege, albeit a terrible one, to be with someone at the end. I read With the End in Mind by Kathryn Mannix before Mum died and found it very comforting. I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this.

OP sending you a virtual hug. It is awful and I know exactly how you are feeling. My dad was 66 and should have had more time with us and his grandchildren. If you need to talk at any time feel free to message.

Be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes. I've lost both parents, DM this year and DF nearly 30 years ago. It's awful watching them fade. Spend as much time with your dad as possible. Don't worry about pestering the community nurses or local Hospice care at home if it's available for help in making him comfortable. He shouldn't be in pain, they can prescribe morphine. Take what support you can.

Sending you lots of love. Rachel Clarke's book Dear Life is beautifully written about end of life care.