Where the fk are people 4 months after

[ghostmouse]

Dh family…oh we’ll be there for you..nope
My 2 friends… who were great have gone weird and have gone awol
Family have their own lives. I’ve just spent 4 days not speaking to another adult and believe me I’ve messaged and not been depressing, tried to be ok, but upbeat thinking maybe it’s me
People actively avoid me or even talking about dh.. it’s 4 months nearly. Yes I’m back at work. I laugh sometimes. I go out with my kids sometimes. I just want a bloody hug. I’m lonely and fed up

Sorry for the rant but I’m really fed up. Did I mention I’m fed up 😂

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, and I’m sorry for your loss. 4 months is no time at all, but you’re right that most people forget to check in and support the bereaved person after those first few weeks.

If I could give you a hug, I would. 💐

Perhaps they don’t want to upset you by asking.
Have you tried asking for a hug or some company ?

I am sending you a virtual hug - not the same of course.

I know what you mean - our closest friends with whom we used to holiday every year with our families - I have heard virtually zilch from them. It just makes the grieving worse.

How sad that we are required to not be depressing company in order to make others happy. As a society we seem to have lost the ability to accept the grieving process with its ups and downs, and just want people to smile and go back to normal to make everyone feel comfortable.

My heart goes out to you. Well done for being back at work.

I'm 3 months out yesterday and it's the same here. It's incredibly lonely, half term with the kids has been rough because I've been unwell and unable to get out to talk to people. The evenings are the worst. You can send me a message if you ever want someone to talk to

Oh @ghostmouse I recall your previous posts. I am so sorry to hear that you’re not getting the support you need from close family or friends.

Unfortunately people feel helpless and don’t know what support to give to somebody who suffers a major bereavement and are probably worried about doing or saying the wrong thing so they can only take their cues from you. Be honest with those who you care about and ask them for company or a telephone call, an outing, whatever you need.

It is such a short time since you lost your husband and it is natural for you to feel this way.

I hope that you don’t feel so let down for too long.

OP
Have you tried a bereavement group?

My sister suffered a terrible bereavement recently. I'm not in the same country as her, different time zone too, so it is tricky.
I try to ring, and just chat. I take my cues from her with regard to talking about the person she lost ( it was a bereavement for me too, but not as close).

I honestly don't know if I'm doing the right thing.
I guess the point I'm getting at is that sometimes people just don't know how to act or what to say.
I'm wondering if it would be useful to share your grief with others who understand.

Can you also set up a regular activity that you do with someone?
I'm really sorry for your loss 💐

I know people at work have said they don’t want to upset me by talking about dh but as he worked there and it must be hard for them too I have said that I don’t mind at all and I love talking about him.

I have asked for a hug and company but people are like sorry we’re busy. And they probably are tbh.

My sis in law.. me..I’m feel awful, really could do with a hug.. sis in law.. here’s a virtual one you’ll be ok… wouldn’t mind but she lives 2 streets away 😂

I gave up after that .

Thank you ForgedinFire and I will message you later. I love your username btw.

Spotcheck im sure you are absolutely doing the right thing and sometimes it’s the little checking in and the brief conversations or chats that goes a long way.

Our society really doesn’t know how to deal with grief, it’s the elephant in the room, the black cloud in the corner that none of know how to deal with and negotiating is a nightmare.

I do get the impression that people expect me to be ok and over it again as it makes them feel better but life will never be normal

I went and had a cuppa at my sons house and spent some time with his little family. My 11 year is dressing up for trick or treating with her friend and I will go in the bath a bit later

Thanks everyone.

It is hard. I feel that generally speaking people don't know to deal with death in this country so the normal thing is to pretend it never happened. My dad died 28 years ago and he is never mentioned. Like he never existed and that's for the best. Your hear that people need to take ques from the bareved. But I'm not sure people do.

Could you be more direct. More honest when people ash how you are? It's ok to not be ok.

Sorry for your loss @ghostmouse

People definitely don't know how to deal with bereavement.
When my dd died several people who I would class as close friends avoided me or made out they didn't see me walking towards them. It was really upsetting to deal with.

I’m sorry to hear that, I’m not good at spending days without seeing or talking to other adults, I know how lonely that can get. Luckily it rarely happens to me, but if it does I’m astounded by how it makes me feel.

People can be quite thoughtless and get wrapped up in their own stuff. I always try to check in on friends who I know are on their own.
Anyway I hope you have a good evening, and we are all always here for you to chat to.

So sorry for your loss, and so sorry you're going through this. People sometimes think that because a person is functioning ok, they must be feeling ok. Perhaps tell friends and family that you feel sad/lonely/fed-up.

I’m so sorry. Some people are not good at dealing with bereavement and it’s only when something like this happens that you see who stands beside you. Is anyone supportive in your life?

Hi @ghostmouse
I just thought I’d check in with you to see how your week has been.
If you’re still not feeling supported in real life I wonder if the wonderful online Mumsnetters can help in any small way.
I know we can’t offer much needed physical hugs in person, but we can offer a listening ear and send virtual hugs.
Would you like to share with us how you are feeling? How can we help?
It is ok to say here if you’re feeling sad, or lonely, or angry, or happy, anything is ok if you need to get anything off your chest.

DP has been gone six weeks and the support has evaporated, except for my sibling who gets off on guilt tripping me over various things. So I literally have just myself and my own company. Adult kids get their support from others - we speak a few times a week but it's all so raw right now.

Of course these people have zero comprehension of what being suddenly bereaved feels like.

A massive hug.

Oh I am sorry. People really suck sometimes....

What was your DH like?

Sorry to hear you are having to go through this. In my personal experience I think people don't mean to abandon you, they just don't know how to behave. They don't want to upset you further and so that results in them avoiding. Not great, I realise, but it's a tricky path to tread. It's insensitive of them but not callous. I hope you manage to find someone or something that helps you get through this tough time.

Hi op I am so sorry for your loss and lack of consideration from others.

It is true people are awkward around doing the right thing because of the possibility of doing it badly or wrong and causing offence on the one hand and because they feel guilty they are not doing the right thing on the other.

At the end of the day, people are inherently thoughtless and selfish and too busy with their own lives and do not want to spend time being sad and depressed or being with people that make them feel that way by association.

There are faith groups and widow groups and those for the bereaved which might give you the solace and kindness from others you need.

If I were you I would be seeking support from those who understand and give the ones who upset you a wide berth.

Remember people's behaviour is a reflection on them and it's not a reflection on you.

@GoodnightGrandma

Perhaps they don’t want to upset you by asking. Have you tried asking for a hug or some company ?

I think we all need to forget this. People know they have lost someone. It won't upset the bereaved to be reminded. They haven't forgotten. It is more upsetting that people say nothing.

I'll be your friend @ghostmouse. I'm so sorry for your loss and for the loss of your friends and family by marriage who have walked away.

Grief is so isolating anyway on it's own, without the insipid offers of support and "let me know if you need anything".

I think people avoid us as they don't know what to say but also they don't want to be us, to be in their vicinity reminds them it could happen (and will eventually happen) to them too.

It doesn't make it any easier though and I have found that people who have been through similar are the most emphatic and supportive, not shying away from talking about our dead loved ones or using their names, or noticing when we turn away because the memories make it to hard sometimes.

In saying that do you have a grief counsellor? Do you have more than one? I have at various times spoken to more than one (from different organisations) so that I ended up speaking to about three at one point and that really helped for me. I know it's not the same as a physical hug and handhold but at least it's a reliable shoulder to cry on who won't let you down or cancel at the last minute, or forget as they have shopping to do etc.

Hi, I lost my sibling to Covid a month ago & I am just about functioning. I am expected to support everyone else but do not get the same back.......happy to talk to you whenever you wish xx