I can't remember much of grandads funeral.

[Artie30]

My beloved grandad died early 2020 before lockdowns so no restrictions in place or anything!

I was so close to him as never had my bio dad around. A lot of the time it was just me and him as my mother was quite young when she had me and was always out with friends and my grandma worked evenings. I lived at my grandparents for the first 2-3 years of my life. I remained close to them, particularly my grandad into adulthood.

Anyway, I can't remember much of his funeral. Is that normal? I can remember bits but I couldn't tell you what his coffin looked like or the flowers or who was there! It was like I was in a bubble and didn't take anything in. I can't remember what music was played.

It was the first time I've lost anyone close and the first funeral I'd even been too so didn't know what to expect either. Social anxiety doesn't help! So many people turned up which was lovely of course.

All I wanted to be is home with my children!

As well as this everyone thinks I'm emotionless! I just at there staring ahead whilst all my family were crying. Im not emotionless, it's just I can't cry in public, never have been able to. Tears come when I'm alone. I don't even cry in front of Dp if I can help it. I like to remain strong around others at all times. Im a very closed book.

It's been nearly 2 years now. Grief hasn't been what I thought it would be. I've had to be strong for my two dc.

Steamed a touching funeral recently of a family friend and it just got me thinking, I can't remember much at all. The only bits I can re- call is the eulogy's!

What is wrong with me?

I’d say there is nothing wrong with you.
I suspect that somehow you were I shock during the funeral which is you didn’t take much in.
Crying is a very personal thing. I’ve been to funerals where the closest people to the dead were nit crying at all.

What jumped out to me more is the fact you felt you haven’t been able to grieve as your had to be strong for your dcs.
Now that’s something I would want to address. By giving you the space to grieve/have counselling/talk to other family members (like a remembrance).

I don’t remember much about either of my parents funerals, I didn’t cry at them even though I loved them both dearly. I’d been to quite a lot of funerals of elderly people as a child and don’t remember people crying at those. It doesn’t mean you aren’t sad or that you don’t miss them.

Thank you both! 💕

This is completely normal. It's shock and trauma. My dad died suddenly and just like you I can't remember barely anything from his funeral. I didn't cry, I just sat there. You're not emotionless, everyone grieves so differently and the phases hit you at different times. Be kind to yourself OP

People crying (or not) at funerals aren't demonstrating their loss, or closeness to the departed. You may find at a funeral in a few years time, of someone less important to you, you let out all the tears you couldn't shed this time. It feels safer sometimes.
People who cry at funerals are mourning all sorts of things and people, not just the person whose funeral it is.