Neighbour died, what help can I offer?

[Lysianthus]

My lovely NDN died in an accident yesterday. He and his wife have three DCs, 6, 4 and 3. She’s a really nice person, it’s all so sad, and unbelievable as he was only 28. But my question is what can I do, as they have lots of friends and family but I live next door, and we saw each other all the time. I want to offer help but no idea what’s a good idea. They don’t need my help, so to speak, but any ideas would be much appreciated. I’m so sad for them, and want to help but without being overbearing. Thanks in advance.

I imagine that other than pop a card through with your number and sympathies, there isn't much you can do right now ie she has family there. However, she may be grateful for support in a few weeks, once family have left.

I would maybe wait and knock in a couple of weeks. I imagine the build up to Xmas will be awful. She might be grateful for adult company.

Send a card in the first instance. Write how sorry you are and share a nice memory of the Dh....nothing big or major. Just "I always think of how kind he was when he helped me fix my car" or something. Those sorts of memories really help people when they lose a loved one.

Add that you're there to help if she needs anything....put your phone number and say "If you want anything from the shops or any other help please let me know"

Thank you. I will put a card through her door, she texted me to let me know, but you’re right a card will be good.

I think a big bag of dehli food, coldcuts / salad / cheese / crisps etc that will keep in the fridge for a while but can be grabbed and eaten easily would be a good idea. Anything that can feed kids as a snack but needs no effort.

I would also text occasionally over the next few weeks if you are going by the shops to see if she wants milk or loo roll anything. Keep it brief and expect there may often be no answer.

You are a good neighbour. Keep an eye out for the kids, they may need an extra lookout for a while.

Honestly? Nothing now but a few months down the line when everyone else has returned to normal for everyone else, that's when the real support is needed

Maybe offer something practical and specific. And if not needed now, then in the coming weeks when after the funeral everyone else has receded? Don’t expect her to do any thinking... offers of “let me know if...” or “call me if I can help in any way” require her to think and decide. This might be too hard. Specific offers are easier, e.g. “I’m going to Tesco tomorrow, can I get anything for you while I’m there?” or perhaps “I’d like to bring you a meal next week. If that would be helpful, is wed or thurs better, what time and do you or the kids have any allergies or hates?”

This website is quite helpful:
sudden.org/help-for-friends-and-communities/dos-and-donts-when-helping/

@Dinosauria

Honestly? Nothing now but a few months down the line when everyone else has returned to normal for everyone else, that's when the real support is needed

This is great advice.

Thank you some excellent advice.

Another thing is parking if it's in demand on your road - let their visitors use your drive, block you in etc over the next while as they will likely have lots of people calling.

Some more ideas

Hold her hand
Help her organise the funeral
Bake or cook food for her
Text her often
Send a condolences card or email etc
Act as a temporary babysitter for the kids