Really struggling

[Poppy05]

Hi

I have never joined an online forum before, but am really struggling and would like any advice/suggestions on coping strategies. Last January my mum was diagnosed with bowel cancer and had an operation to remove it. A few months later we found out it had spread to her liver. She was having chemo, which has now been stopped, as she now has a tumour in her brain and it is no longer effective. The brain tumour cannot be removed. She is now in hospital being treated for very low sodium levels, as she was becoming increasingly tired/confused/unable to walk properly. She is only just 70. She may not have long left. The most upsetting thing is that after the operation we thought she would be fine. The mental confusion is also upsetting as it is like she is only half there.

I am 41 but not married and have no children or siblings. I live with my dad, who is 83 and has ms. I have family who live nearby, who have been good with giving us lifts to the hospital etc, but I don’t like to bother them with the emotional side. My dad is of the older generation, who did not show their feelings so gets angry when I cry. He is on my back from morning till night and does not understand how much I am struggling. He just keeps on about how mum will die soon, which may or may not be the case and just upsets me more. It is as though he wants her to die to make his life easier. I have a full time job, but am currently on compassionate leave. I can’t face going back as the job is stressful enough normally, but also miss the companionship now my mum is not here and hate being with my dad all day.

I regret not making an effort to meet someone/leave home. I never really minded before as my mum and I were so close and did everything together (probably too much in hindsight but happened due to all the reasons described above),

Sorry for the long post. I just feel so lonely now I am losing mum and don’t know where to turn.
X

It's perfectly normal to feel like you do, l would recommend reading up on grief, it's so complex and can take you by surprise. This is a very difficult time for you and your Dad, alot of uncertainty and changes are bound to make you feel anxious.
What l will say of my own experience is that a loss can often also be a catapult for something new. Grief changes you as a person, life feels different, but can also bring about new choices and opportunities. This stage of your life is not the end of your story, maybe more a particular chapter.
Life goes on and your Mum will want you to live the best life you can.
I hope you find much support, and have faith that life has a way of working out.

Yes I agree with the above.

But also 41 isnt old - you still have lots of life to live. Your Mum would want you to live it. Dont waste it worrying about your Dad or in regret for what you havent done. Seize it now while you can

I'm so sorry to hear about everything that's going on for you, especially about your mum.
It's so hard isn't it - especially when the person you would ordinarily turn to is facing this. But I agree with quartz - you are young. The next few years are without doubt going to be hard, but you have time to find strength from others yet - who you may meet in years to come! I know people who have met great friends and even life partners much older than you.
I really would lean on those family members who are willing to help. And don't forget the kindness of strangers. Sometimes you can say more to a complete stranger than your nearest and dearest.
Wishing you strength.

Thank you for your kind replies. My mum has been saying the same thing since she was diagnosed that she wants me to carry on if the worst happens. It is just so hard to see a way forward at the moment.

I know how difficult it is; I also know there's very little that anyone can say to make it any better other than the lovely posters on here will listen. I lost my mum to bowel cancer this year. She was my best friend and I miss her every day, so I do honestly know a little of how lost you must be feeling.

If you haven't already, I would urge you to contact your own GP as they can point you in the right direction of support for yourself which is just as important as your mum.

Please do feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat and in the meantime

I really feel for you OP, it’s an awful time, recently lost my lovely MIL to cancer,, So sorry your mum is ill, with this dreadful disease, spend lots of time together, talk & say what you want to say.

Hi again,

Unfortunately my mum died on Wednesday night so we did not get as much time with her as we thought. She was given 3 months but died a week later. She had gone into a care home as my dad and I felt it would be too much for us at home, but I now feel guilty about this as she never had a chance to settle there and was initially unhappy about going in, although she later agreed it was for the best. If we had known she only had a week left we would have managed for this short time.

My dad and I were with her when she died and were holding her hands, but she was unconscious so am unsure if she knew we were there, although I know she had asked us to come.

I know she was also very upset and worried about what will happen to me, which I also feel guilty about. I have assured her repeatedly since her diagnosis that I would be ok, but now it has actually happened I don’t know how to even begin to move forward and just can’t bear the thought of decades ahead without her.

Dad still gets angry if I cry and has not cried himself. He just keeps saying we need to get on with the practicalities, which I understand, but he can’t even give me a few days. My family who live close by are good, but I can’t keep burdening them with my grief. They are also dad’s side of the family so are obviously not as upset as me. Mum had a brother, who she was very close to, but he never came up to see her since she deteriorated and barely spoke to her on the phone even though they used to speak once/twice a week. I don’t know if he will come up for the funeral. I think he is in denial, but I would have appreciated his support.

I have considered having counselling after the funeral (dad is dismissive of course). Does anyone have any experience of this at all or anything else that could help.

Sorry to ramble again but am feeling desperate.

I’m so sorry Op, you were clearly so close to each other-I’m really sorry for your loss.
It’s so difficult as both you and your dad are grieving in completely opposite ways-he’s trying to busy himself by the sounds of it and block it out and you want to stop and cry and let it out. Both are completely valid, but they are difficult for the other to manage. You need time to cry and be with someone who understands-your uncle perhaps? A friend? Speaking the words can be so helpful- you could always try the Samaritans to be able to say out loud what you need to say! My heart goes out to you 💐💐

Also yes to counselling, like you said he is of a different generation so doesn’t understand how beneficial it can be to talk about thoughts and feelings, go for it, it’ll give you proper space to talk.

I'm so sorry you lost your mum. We recently lost our mum. Very quick sudden death. We are all still in shock.
There are a few apps you can look at or cruise can be contacted for support. X

Hi @Poppy05

Just sent you a PM. I'm so sorry you lost your mum.

It might sound harsh but I would try to get back to work as soon as possible. This will, if nothing else, give you a break from your father. My mother had bowel cancer but I did not live with or near her so I know it was different for me. I too held her hand when she died and find some comfort in that, I hope she did too. Wishing you strength for the future.

Grief can be unexpected, I lost my parents together in 2026, very different as I have brothers and left home years ago.
Maybe you would find bereavement groups good?
I think you need to br able to express your grief and have others understand

Should say 2016

Thank you for your replies.

I will look into counselling as soon as I can. We are still in the process of sorting mum’s estate at the moment and only had the funeral on Monday so have not had a lot of chance. I have heard it can be very helpful though.

The other problem is that I am starting to feel pressured by my aunt, uncle and cousin (who I have not seen for years until recently even though they live close by) into doing things with them. I think this is because my mum asked them to look after me after she had gone, but they have taken it a bit too literally and even at the funeral said “we are not going to leave you alone, you will be sick of the sight of us”.

My cousin recently gave my mobile number to someone we were at school with over 20 years ago and is wanting us all to meet up. Now my aunt and cousin want me to go with a spa with them etc (not my thing anyway). I am struggling with this as I have hardly seen them since we left school (no fall out, we just moved in different directions after school) and have never been good socially. I also find them quite “full on”. I was always happy in my own company or with mum. I know it is difficult to keep saying no without seeming rude, but I just feel I need to get on with my own life now. I resent my mum (unfairly I know) for leaving me in this position and asking them to look after me. I don’t want to be a charity case and should not need “looking after” at my age. It is another reason I regret not having more of a life of my own. My life has been turned upside down in the last 6 weeks and I just want my mum back even though I know that can’t happen.