3 months today my father died

[recklessruby]

How long does it take till you feel anywhere like normal?
I m 53, a lot of my friends have lost parents but I m not coping.
My beloved dad died in July age 79 in his sleep at home.
Due to the pandemic I hadn't seen him since 2019. I had a flight booked the week after he died. He was looking forward to seeing me. We talked the night before and I was the last person to speak to him (Mum was in hospital she had a heart attack 3 days before but is recovered now).
We had Let it Be at the funeral and I break down every time I listen to it.
I don't live in my home country so wasn't there at the end.
Last time I saw him was at the funeral home.
I love him, I miss him.
I have siblings and grown up dc but even my mum says me and my dad had an incredibly close bond.
I don't know how to live like this.

I'm sorry OP. I don't have experience of this (yet) but I didn't want to read and not respond,
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's deep and it hurts and I imagine il feel this way one day too. It sounds like torture.... could you possibly look in to bereavement counselling? I think that because this was all altered by the covid situation there's a lot of layers to your grief and they may help you unpack it a bit and give you strategies to deal and cope with your loss and everything lost in between because of the way it all happened as well? I wish you well OP.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

My dad died 11 years ago when I was 34 and pregnant with my first baby, and I'd say it took me about 4 years to feel like I was able to live alongside the grief. It had a huge impact on my life. Dad had cancer, and the last few months were difficult.

There are always things that make us think, " if only...". Things that trigger feelings of guilt and deep unbearable regret. The unfairness of the situation, being so close to having seen your dad, weighs heavy on you know now. But your dad knew you loved him, he knew you were coming. When a bond is that close, honestly there will eventually be comfort knowing that your love for each other was very strong.

You will probably never stop grieving; your loss always hurts but eventually the other things in life grow bigger and the loss is something you don't think about all the time. Nowadays, it only stings occasionally when my kids do something I know he would have been proud of, or when I hear some music he loved, or on his birthday and at Christmas. I can even enthusiastically engage in Fathers Day for my FIL now, which I'm very proud of as years of faking it have been hard!

You have to give yourself lots of time to grieve, don't rush things. Best wishes xx

@recklessruby I don't think this is likely to help but couldn't ignore, very sorry for your loss, I lost my mum last April 6 weeks before I had my first baby it was fast and totally unexpected. It has wrecked my world and I fully don't ever expect to be 'over this' or ok I will grieve her forever she was so, so much more than a mum I idolised her . 27 just feels far too young not to have a mum. Losing a parent you are very close to, I'm not sure there's much worse

Sorry for your loss recklessruby
Both my parents died just over a decade ago and even now I sometimes get surprised by grief. Stupid stuff, like my Mum loved Turkish Delight and I would always buy her some at Christmas. First time I see it in the shops every year I get upset. And occasionally one of my boys achieves something at school or something and I think "Ooh, Dad's going to be proud of that" - I've even picked up the phone and started dialling his number once or twice then remembered he's gone.
But time does make it easier, and happy memories float to the surface and cover bad ones eventually. I also missed seeing my Mum before she died. My Dad phoned to say she wasn't so good and I said I'd come right down, but as we were due to visit the following day anyway he persuaded me to wait. She died during the night. I felt very guilty for a long time, but again, with time I have come to terms with it.
Take things one day at a time and be kind to yourself. It is very early days yet, but things will eventually get easier. Take care x

I'm sorry xx

I'm your age & my Dad died over 10 years ago now and there's probably still not a day goes past that I don't think of him.

If it's just a passing thought I'm ok, but if I really think about it (like now) I'm not.

He was only in his 60's & not yet retired. He died suddenly I miss him so very much. It hurts a LOT.

BUT it's nothing like it was at the stage you're at, you learn to live alongside it, because you can't live indefinitely with that level of grief. I'm sorry I can't tell you when it changed because it was a gradual change & even now something totally out of the blue happens and I'm in floods of tears.

You're not alone xx

My Husband died nearly 22 years ago it still feels like yesterday BUT the overwhelming sick feeling "only" lasted a year or so, depends how involved you were in each other's lives obviously I saw my Husband every day we did everything together

I lost my dad eight years ago. It was the hardest thing I had faced and I was never the same person. But I didn't want to be. I don't know if that makes sense.

It doesn't go away but the shock fades and you learn to see aspects of him in you, which is something that comorts me, knowing he is always with me.

Thank you everyone it helps to be listened to.
My dad would have been 80 on 5 November so it's not an easy time.
He wasnt a typical old man type dad, he had had 2 strokes and recovered, broke his hip and recovered. He was stubborn and fiery and interested in nature as my son and I are.
He was my rock through my whole life.
He was married to my mum for 55 years and its so hard.
Mum was ill a lot when I was a kid so my dad looked after me and was much more engaged than my friends dads back in the 70s.
He was not just my dad but my friend too.

3 months is such a short time, no wonder you are still raw. I lost my dad nearly 6 years ago. For some context for you, him and I were also extremely close. I will never get over it (nor do I want to, if that makes sense) but it does get easier with time.
If you think of grief as ripples in a pond, when you drop a stone in, the ripples are strong and frequent at the beginning, and fade and are less strong after a while.
Grief is love that doesn't know where to go, so find comfort that there is so much love here.
I'm so,so sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry to hear this OP.
I lost my dad just over 2 years ago, I was 33 and he was 58.
I miss and thinking him every day but as times gone on the pain has subsided.
I know it's a cliche but time really is the best healer x

I’m so sorry for your loss and everyone else who has suffered it.
I remember the really bad days in the beginning, it was my dad and he was just turned 61, full of life and had a brain haemorrhage totally out of the blue. We lost him three days later.
I lay on the settee day and night and cried and cried and wailed and wailed. I think I lost my mind a bit and I’ve never been the same person since.
So those agonising first months are a bit of a blur, but the days got clearer and I remember saying to someone that the bad days I was having were like the “good” days I was having when we first lost him. I hope that makes sense. Things do get easier and I’m not going to sugar coat it, it’s a long process, many, many months maybe over a year and it’s rough of course. But always remember the strength of your grief is the strength of the love you had for the person you lost.
I honestly thought I’d die when I lost my dad I didn’t think I’d get through it, I couldn’t look at photos for a long time.
I promise you though like all traumatic experiences it does get easier. You’ll have horrible days and you’ll feel it all coming back and it’s totally normal. These days get fewer and far between.
Again, I’m sorry for your loss 💐💐💐

@Unforgettablefire my mum died of the same thing 12 hours from here to gone and during covid so couldn't see her it has knocked the wind out of me i pine for her every day. Grief is brutal she was only 63 and so fit and healthy. Don't understand it

I feel for you OP, and for everyone here and their experiences. I’m 54 and lost my dad on 21 March this year. My parents were married 55 years and my mum is all at sea. It’s so hard and Covid has made it harder. Seeing my DF suffer and having to isolate, not having a proper funeral, scant medical support; so tough. To be in another country must be so hard. It’s been 7 months now and not every day is so bad. You will learn to live alongside this loss OP. The things that are so painful in the early days may turn out to be the fondest memories later. It’s a cliche but time is a healer.