Her whole life has been destroyed

[Scornedwoman67]

I'm looking for some advice in respect of a close family member who lost her husband a few months ago. I don't want to out her so won't be too specific but she had been with him for 30 years and to the entire outside world they were blissfully happy. Two late teenage DC's.
After he died she told me she had found some suspicious entries on his bank statements going back years and to cut a long story short she has now found out he was visiting another, much younger woman several times a week. It looks like he has given her/spent thousands on her - money they didn't have.
She is devastated and cannot move on. She is forensically examining everything trying to piece together exactly where he was & when using various methods. Her DC's have no idea & she has only told a couple of close friends. Everyone assumes she is just grieving & keeps telling her how much he loved her. She is obsessed. I've suggested counselling but she cannot focus on anything other than her 'investigation' which now comprises numerous note-books & folders.
I can't imagine the hell she must be going through. How do I help her?

Oh god, that poor woman.

I'm not really sure if there is anything you can do other than what you are doing, being there for her and suggesting counselling.

She has suffered a massive loss then everything she thought was real in her life wasn't. I totally get why she needs to take control now, her anger needs to be channelled somehow, and the knowledge will make her feel like she has some semblance of control of the situation.

Could you maybe offer lunch or a walk or something a couple of times a week at least, make sure she has a break away from her investigations?

Thanks ABC
Yes that's what I'm doing at the moment. I'm told I'm normally quite logical & helpful if people need advice or help but I'm horrified by her situation. I can't imagine how I would cope in the years ahead thinking that my whole marriage was a lie :(

I cant even imagine. It must be horrific for you to witness too

I don't think logic will work here, she has all this anger and all these questions and the person who she needs to take it all out on has died

Could you offer to take over maybe and allow her to concentrate on the kids, you can tell her you'll update her if you find anything major out?

Or maybe just question what she wants to do when she gets all the information. She knows her husband was a cheater at this point, are the details really important? If she starts to question what she wants from investigating this and how it will help her she might slow down?

Its such a tough one, sorry I'm not helping much help.

I'm on a widows board on Facebook and this happens frequently tbh. There is. Group on FB for support in this scenario,

Unfortunately you cannot help her other than just being there for her/shoulder to cry on when she needs it.
I know what she's going through. My husband died a few years ago in a tragic accident, I met his mistress at the hospital! I uncovered a whole other life full of debt, thankfully not leveled on me, lies etc. Completely changed how I viewed our life together. It took a few good years of counseling to realize it was no reflection on me. It's just a process she needs to go through

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

I cant even imagine. It must be horrific for you to witness too

I don't think logic will work here, she has all this anger and all these questions and the person who she needs to take it all out on has died

Could you offer to take over maybe and allow her to concentrate on the kids, you can tell her you'll update her if you find anything major out?

Or maybe just question what she wants to do when she gets all the information. She knows her husband was a cheater at this point, are the details really important? If she starts to question what she wants from investigating this and how it will help her she might slow down?

Its such a tough one, sorry I'm not helping much help.

Thank you - yes, I said to her the other day ( in the gentlest of ways) that she needed to think about at what point she would be able to put it all away and think about looking after herself and thinking about how she could move forward. She said she knew that this point would have to come but that she wasn't able to yet. I have actually helped her with some of it - but I stopped when I realised that rather than helping her, it seemed to make her want to find out more & more.

@Figgyboa

Unfortunately you cannot help her other than just being there for her/shoulder to cry on when she needs it. I know what she's going through. My husband died a few years ago in a tragic accident, I met his mistress at the hospital! I uncovered a whole other life full of debt, thankfully not leveled on me, lies etc. Completely changed how I viewed our life together. It took a few good years of counseling to realize it was no reflection on me. It's just a process she needs to go through

I'm so sorry Figgyboa. Having seen it first hand I can't imagine how painful that must be for you

@notapizzaeater

I'm on a widows board on Facebook and this happens frequently tbh. There is. Group on FB for support in this scenario,

Thank you @notapizzaeater I'm very sorry for your loss too. Is that the 'Sisterhood of Widows' group? I think that might be really helpful for her.

how terrible

has she thought about getting a private investigator? maybe actually having the full facts will help even if she can't 'hear' from him

I went out with someone decades ago and I felt we were having a wonderful time. He collapsed suddenly in the street and was rushed to hospital. While he was in the hospital, I could tell he was anxious and I knew something was up. I never bumped into the other women but it was at that point that I realised they existed. I dumped him and hired a private investigator and I found out subsequently that he was not only living with me but also living with someone else and had been with that person for years. Not only that, he was actually married to someone else at the same time and had 4 dcs with 2 different women (2 with his wife and 2 with a totally different woman, not one that he was living with at the time!).

apparently it is quite common, not that that helps your friend. I do think just having facts helps to rationalise it all. I also had a notebook and figured out why on certain dates he had disappeared and missed some things that i knew were important to him!

I'm glad she can talk to you. I was actually too embarrassed to tell anyone and it all sounds so ridiculous, you're worried people won't believe you. I think it's fine to be upset and obsessed - it's re writing her history without the benefit of him giving his side of the story - it must be enormously painful!

Poor woman, it must be a terrible shock. I wonder if she just has to go through everything she can and get it out of her system, as it were. In time she may realise that it will be healthier to lose focus on this and get on with the rest of her life. All you can do is support her - it's still early days and these problems should fade a little with time although they won't go away completely.

Gosh this is terrible! Imagining just as a one off,really awful that it seems so widespread as well

@StrongArm

how terrible

has she thought about getting a private investigator? maybe actually having the full facts will help even if she can't 'hear' from him

I went out with someone decades ago and I felt we were having a wonderful time. He collapsed suddenly in the street and was rushed to hospital. While he was in the hospital, I could tell he was anxious and I knew something was up. I never bumped into the other women but it was at that point that I realised they existed. I dumped him and hired a private investigator and I found out subsequently that he was not only living with me but also living with someone else and had been with that person for years. Not only that, he was actually married to someone else at the same time and had 4 dcs with 2 different women (2 with his wife and 2 with a totally different woman, not one that he was living with at the time!).

apparently it is quite common, not that that helps your friend. I do think just having facts helps to rationalise it all. I also had a notebook and figured out why on certain dates he had disappeared and missed some things that i knew were important to him!

I'm glad she can talk to you. I was actually too embarrassed to tell anyone and it all sounds so ridiculous, you're worried people won't believe you. I think it's fine to be upset and obsessed - it's re writing her history without the benefit of him giving his side of the story - it must be enormously painful!

Good grief how awful for you. Yes it's heartbreaking seeing how painful it is for her.