People telling me how to grieve DH when I'm just trying to survive

[PandaBearBear]

Hi,

I'm hoping for some advice from others that have been through the same because I am really struggling and don't want to lose my cool with people I care about.

DH died almost a year ago. As we approach the anniversary everything is starting to feel very heavy but I am trying my best to muddle through as I have two children, 9 and 3. I do not have help nearby - my mum lives 4 hours away, my friends and in laws are a 45 minute drive away. I do not drive. Nobody comes to see us, nobody pops in to see how we are doing or offers to take my kids so I can have a break. At first this really upset me but now I've accepted it for what it is and try to focus on doing what I can to give my children some kind of structure and better memories in what has been such an awful year.

I don't have 'off time'. My routine is being mum 24/7 and as such I haven't had a lot of time to process my own grief and feelings - I think about DH all the time, I cry in the evenings mostly or when a wave catches me throughout the day.

I am being told by friends and family that I need to feel my feelings and let myself grieve properly. This is really angering me. I don't have the option to completely break down because I have nobody to hand off to. Who will feed my children, do the school runs, make sure they are clean and safe? I'd love to be able to take to my bed and feel all the pain I'm carrying but I can't do that and also function as the mother I need to be?

I'm hurt that people are telling me this yet not offering any help in order for me to do what they are suggesting. I am angry that they go home and grieve DH as much as they like because they have partners who can pick up whatever needs to be done. I don't understand how I'm meant to do any of this and I'm really struck by how unfair this all feels.

Am I being difficult, or are there suggestions just not realistic for my circumstances?

I have no advice to give I’m afraid, except to say you’re most certainly not being difficult and have every right to feel angry and hurt. I’d feel the same in your shoes. Time is a great healer and things will gradually get better, but for now... maybe, the next time one of your relatives tells you to grieve properly, you should say you’d love some help with this, only so far none has been forthcoming, and see what they say to that.
Best of luck in future, Panda.

I would express that anger to them
Ask them what you ask here

Maybe they feel something is off but don't understand what or why

Of course you’re not being difficult. And I’m so sorry there’s been no respite for you - your DC are so young.

Would your in-laws or your mum have the DC over half-term?

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s fine to be angry. It’s part of grief. Have you expressed your anger at being so alone to anyone - do they think you’re coping? Sometimes we have to make ourselves vulnerable and say “Please, I need your help.”

I'm so sorry for your loss
Everyone grieves differently of course. Is asking the grandparents to have the children to stay for a week an option at all? They sound like they might be old enough to do that. That would at least give you a bit of time to yourself to let some of your grief out. I would hope that they'd be happy to do that.

I think it can be very hard to actually ask for help, but often in these circumstances people respond very well. Particularly to a very specific request. You're probably putting ion such a good show of appearing to be coping well that they think you're fine.

This is a very common experience for people who are grieving.

Everyone is an expert - or to be kind, trying to be supportive but actually just giving a lecture. The friends who give genuine support are like gold.

My DM essentially hibernated for 2 years after my Dad died - it worked for her. Once she was ready she dumped 90% of her old friends and emerged with an entirely new friendship circle of people who had actually been supportive and helpful rather than just telling her what to do.

I have been all through this (my DH was killed in an accident 15 years ago) albeit, not with children as young as yours.

And I really feel the pain and distress in your post

My experience is that none of us grieve in the same way and grief is like a spiral. At first the spiral turns very fast. One moment you are fine, the next collapsing under the weight (I still remember sitting on the bus home, 8 weeks after DH died, in floods of tears). As the months and years progress the spiral turns more slowly and you can cope more easily. I still think of DH every day, and a piece of music or sudden sharp memory can bring me on floods of tears, but my grief is gentler now.

You also experience stages of grief, which are well documented. At a year I was angry. Hurt that everyone else was moving on and frustrated that I was being left alone to pick up the pieces.

What I learned along the way, was that these were my emotions and it was OK to let them play out the way they were. The best advice I had in the very early days was to ‘be kind to myself’. If I wanted to cry, cry. If I wanted to talk, talk and if I didn’t want my grief open to dissection by other, then keep it to myself. I also learned to ask for help when I was really struggling.

Your family and friends might be trying to advise you to let yourself grieve, because you are approaching the magic year, when society believes grief should be calming. They may be uncomfortable to see you struggling. The truth is grief doesn’t suddenly calm after a year, it simply softens and becomes more gentle as time progresses and the process takes different periods of time for everyone.

Having gone through the experience, if I was you I would responding to your friends and family in a very calm way, telling them that you need help and support with the children. That you need some time for yourself. Be aware that people often avoid entering your space when you are grieving for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing.

Be empathetic (I am sure you will be) that your in-laws are also grieving, but suggest that they really work on their relationship with your children. 45 minutes is no drive at all for them. Maybe ask your Mum if she could come and stay for a while or have your children for a holiday.

Also look to finding a group like WAY for support from other people going through the same experience as you. That was invaluable to me 15 years ago and I still have many friends from that group.

Whatever you do, don’t be hurt. You are at a really difficult stage in what is a long process and you and the children are the people likely to be feeling the death of your DH most keenly. Other people are unlikely to be being unkind, they are just not experiencing their grief in the same way that you are.

It sounds like you're in survival mode, getting through. We can only grieve when the time feels right. My DH lost his mum and didn't start to grieve until we had moved house. Then he sought help and moved through it. He said he couldn't cope with the stress of both. It seems like someone taking the strain off you for a while would be really helpful. Could you ask someone?

Everything you said was entirely reasonable and understandable. My heart went out to you. Could you put that in a letter to them? Then you could phrase it carefully so they had the truth but without you losing your cool, and you might get a better reaction as they'd have time to consider their response so you wouldn't just get the knee jerk defensive reaction (you could even ask them to do that).
Maybe they're just so removed from your day to day that they haven't given it enough thought to put themselves in your shoes (hoping this is the case and it's not that they're unkind)

I’m sorry for your loss

I do think that covid hasn’t helped with grief as people haven’t been able to support and comfort people due to lockdown and restrictions

I would have a stock answer

I’m not able to do that as I don’t have the support from family and friends to be able to.

Instead I must concentrate on the D.C. and muddle through alone, unless I receive offers of help- which I’d happily accept

This is your journey and yours alone to make. Have you joined WAY, Widowed and Young?

www.widowedandyoung.org.uk

Take good care of yourself and your children xx

@Flyingsouthagain

I have been all through this (my DH was killed in an accident 15 years ago) albeit, not with children as young as yours.

And I really feel the pain and distress in your post

My experience is that none of us grieve in the same way and grief is like a spiral. At first the spiral turns very fast. One moment you are fine, the next collapsing under the weight (I still remember sitting on the bus home, 8 weeks after DH died, in floods of tears). As the months and years progress the spiral turns more slowly and you can cope more easily. I still think of DH every day, and a piece of music or sudden sharp memory can bring me on floods of tears, but my grief is gentler now.

You also experience stages of grief, which are well documented. At a year I was angry. Hurt that everyone else was moving on and frustrated that I was being left alone to pick up the pieces.

What I learned along the way, was that these were my emotions and it was OK to let them play out the way they were. The best advice I had in the very early days was to ‘be kind to myself’. If I wanted to cry, cry. If I wanted to talk, talk and if I didn’t want my grief open to dissection by other, then keep it to myself. I also learned to ask for help when I was really struggling.

Your family and friends might be trying to advise you to let yourself grieve, because you are approaching the magic year, when society believes grief should be calming. They may be uncomfortable to see you struggling. The truth is grief doesn’t suddenly calm after a year, it simply softens and becomes more gentle as time progresses and the process takes different periods of time for everyone.

Having gone through the experience, if I was you I would responding to your friends and family in a very calm way, telling them that you need help and support with the children. That you need some time for yourself. Be aware that people often avoid entering your space when you are grieving for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing.

Be empathetic (I am sure you will be) that your in-laws are also grieving, but suggest that they really work on their relationship with your children. 45 minutes is no drive at all for them. Maybe ask your Mum if she could come and stay for a while or have your children for a holiday.

Also look to finding a group like WAY for support from other people going through the same experience as you. That was invaluable to me 15 years ago and I still have many friends from that group.

Whatever you do, don’t be hurt. You are at a really difficult stage in what is a long process and you and the children are the people likely to be feeling the death of your DH most keenly. Other people are unlikely to be being unkind, they are just not experiencing their grief in the same way that you are.

Great advice and beautifully written 💕

Hi @PandaBearBear

So sorry for your loss. My DH died when DC1 was 3 and I was pregnant with DC2, so I can absolutely relate.

No one thought I was grieving 'properly' either. They couldn't get their heads round the fact I didn't have that luxury. It was incredibly frustrating.

On the one year anniversary I published a blog widely across social media explaining the science of grief and survival, in relation to my own experience. I think only then people started to get it.

Be as honest as you can with others. Make clear requests for specific help. People can respond to those more easily than a general plea for help.

I understand what you are saying, that friends and family won't step in to help with the children when it's glaringly obvious to you that you need your own space to grieve. It's infuriating. Not sure if it's down to ignorance on their part, or not wanting the bother.
My mother died when my two were very small and I was very aware that I was so busy all the time with them that there was no space to grieve.
In my opinion, people can be very cruel to mothers, leaving you to get on with it as if becoming a mother entailed possessing some kind of fairy dust that makes you a type of all-giving saint.
The truth is that we remain human with our own needs but people would rather not acknowledge that.
Sorry for your loss.

Firstly, I'm so sorry for what you've been through, and for how you're feeling. You sound like an incredible mum, and what you're doing for your children will really set them up to process their grief healthily. When my mum died, my dad was useless, and it really made my grieving process so, so difficult. So you should be so proud of yourself for that.

Could you find a support group? I see a PP has suggested a specific one, and I think this would help you be around people who understand. I think a lot of people are quite useless around another person's grief, especially when the grieving person finds it hard to ask for help (whether because of circumstances like yours, needing to hold it all together, or whatever other reasons). It sounds like you need a local support network, and this could be a good starting point.

My other thought was about finances and could you afford to see a private therapist, and a babysitter for a few hours on the same night, so you can do therapy and process your session alone? I had a therapist who was so warm and lovely and comforting, it made things so much easier. I feel strongly that you need that space to scream and cry and let out all this anger that you - very reasonably and understandably have - so that it doesn't grow and fester.

You deserve the same grieving process that you are gifting to your children. The only problem is, we often have to give this to ourselves. Please gift yourself this experience if you can possibly manage it.

Take care of yourself

Tell them. When they say you need to let yourself grieve properly, say ‘I do need that, I really need it. Would you be able to have DC for a couple of hours one day so I can spend some time by myself?’
I think they sound like they’re really not thinking truly about your situation, maybe they’re assuming someone else is giving you some help, or maybe they’re being entirely selfish, but just put it to them straight out, and see what they say. It’s not offensive or cheeky of you to ask, so do it x

Grief is a very personal and very lonely journey. It's very hard doing it and very hard for others to know what to do to help. My own journey is different as it was my son who died but I was divorced and had another child to help navigate through so I understand the not having space bit.

It's relentless and everyone had advice. I had to spell it out very clearly what I needed. And like you it was space to grieve without having to protect others. If I needed to speak to friends they would try and help. I used to say to them that they couldn't fix it and anything they said, even with the best intentions, only minimised my pain. I asked them to sit with me in my darkness, hear me in my darkness, not try and bring me out of it. The darkness is part of the process and sometimes I desperately wanted someone to hear me, sit with me, not try and fix me.

I also joined online support groups so I could speak to people in the same situation. People to whom I could honestly speak, say all the dreadful things that they would understand. These online support groups were invaluable for those evenings when my child was in bed and I needed help.

7 years on my grief is less raw. I lost some friends along the way who couldn't cope with my grief. Made new friends. Strengthened friendships that gave that support.

I have come to realise that people find grief awkward. They don't know how to help. They also don't realise that you don't 'get better'. You evolve, learn to live with it alongside you, you sometimes learn to hide it, you learn that it strikes sometimes when you don't expect it.

I tried to ask clearly for help. Those who listened are still very much in my life. Those who couldn't are either no longer in my life or at the very edges.

Please ask a trusted friend/family member to have the children overnight for you once a week/month/whatever you feel would help.

I actually found that too much time wasn't good for me. I can only let grief out in little bits as I'm too scared, even 7 years on, to really let it out.

I hope you can find the support you need, sometimes it comes from those you least expect it.