Brother taking over after mother’s death

[Gilesmummy]

I just need to rant and hopefully get a bit advice.
This is going to be an ongoing situation for awhile...
My mum died recently and I didn’t even know she was in hospital .. I was on holiday. My brother and I am estranged but even so he didn’t tell anyone at the hospital she had another daughter
so I had to find out from a relative.
He has now taken over the funeral arrangements and I’m not allowed to have a say. The funeral home will talk to me but can’t go against anything he’s arranged...Mum wanted cremation but he’s decided she will be buried near him in Cornwall not near her home in Lancashire.
I feel so angry that mum didn’t give me as next of kin but only told them of him.. it leaves me lost no one will deal with me. It’s as if I don’t matter.. we didn’t have a fab relationship but we certainly weren’t on bad terms.
I don’t know where to go from here..
I’m going from feeding angry with mum to being hurt to wanting to ignore it all and not even bother going to the funeral..
Anyone else been in this situation? Any advice what to do ?

Im so sorry for your loss. This must be being made harder by having no say in the arrangements.

did your mum leave a will? it may have instructions within - if you know which solicitor she used you could enquire with them

Thank you,
Mum did leave a will but he refuses to tell me anything. I’m not sure she would have put anything in there about the funeral..I thought it was left in her house but he says not..
he’s taken over completely, says he will deal with solicitors and estate later. I have to let him know if I want anything..
Who put him in charge. We all have equal rights as children..
I don’t have his address as he’s moved recently. I only have a mobile number for him. I have suggested getting together to sort things out but he doesn’t want to .. probably can’t be bothered..

Sorry for your loss, what a shame it is causing so much upset. Do you think your mum could have asked him to make all the arrangements, can the other relative support you at all. I would seriously think if you want to go to the funeral or remember your mum in a different way which is special and personal to you, is there anything you would like to have. If so make sure you put a request in writing, take photos of anything just in case he gets nasty in the future. In time you can view a Will, a solicitor may be able to get a copy now and find out if your brother is an Executor, if not then they can find out who is.

Surely if she left a will it will say who are the beneficiaries, her funeral choices and who she wanted as executors.

He could just be a control freak who wants to do it all himself, probably whilst complaining about it. But he could also be keeping the will to himself because you are possibly named as joint executors, and maybe he's planning on also taking your inheritance from you for himself.

You don't have to just accept what he says.
You need to see the will.

Might I suggest that you contact all the firms of solicitors local to where your late mum lived, and ask whether any of them know about her will. Even if not, then they should be able to search the will register for you, to see if it is there.

This link may be useful:

www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-may-aug-2018/who-is-entitled-to-read-a-will-after-death/

Basically it says if he's the executor and you're not then you can't see the will till after Probate, when it is made public. But without seeing the will how would you now if you're named as an executor or not? Is your late DM likely to have made your DB the only executor?

You say that your Mum put him down as next of kin and didn't tell the funeral home about you though, so doesn't that indicate that it was your Mum who put your brother 'in charge' ?

I am sorry for your loss, and get this must be a very difficult time, but it sounds like it was your Mum's choice?

if there is a will, there will be executors named on the will. Id phone the solicitors and ask if y9u are named as an executor on the will

if you are then you have a right to be involved with what is happening and see a copy of the will. You can also decide upon whether you do probate etc

your brother not sharing information is a worry, id bypass your brother and contact the solicitors directly to get answers

Thanks for all your replies.. It really helps to feel less alone.

Kite22 I think you are right. I really don’t understand why though. That’s what hurts the most..
Even though I am estranged from BB if the shoe was on the other foot I would have told the hospital there were more siblings.
I have had curt texts to tell me when and where the funeral service is to be held but that’s it. The funeral directors can’t take any instruction from me as he is the one who engaged them even though I’m equal next of kin.

I am getting a lot of info third hand and today have been told my mother wrote a new Will in the last weeks of her life.. I don’t know if this is true and have no way of finding out. I’ve looked up solicitors in her area and there’s over 100. Even then I don’t know if she used a local one.
I’ve registered for a will track service but that can take months and the solicitor will only contact me if I’m a beneficiary...I know I used to be but now I’m not sure. I’ve done nothing for her to cut me out but there wouldn’t be any other reason for her to make a new one. My head is going round and round in circles.. I’m not concerned about the money but the implications that she turned her back on me for no obvious reason.
I was self isolating when mum rang to say she was in hospital so wasn’t able to visit, he did though. I spoke to her a few times and she was a bit confused as to what was going on. She came home from hospital and when I spoke to her she told me not to cancel my plans she’d see me when I got home. Whilst I was away I rang and sent texts and emails but didn’t get any response. This wasn’t unusual ,we would play phone tag for weeks quite often, so I didn’t think much about it. I sent a couple of email and texts a couple of days before the end of my holiday asking to see if I could visit on my way back from the airport I got a reply once I’d been home a day just asking where I was... she didn’t mention that she was back in hospital. Had I known I’d have visited.. I just assumed she was out when I didn’t get any answer, she never charged her mobile so that would not connect Nothing at all unusual for mum.It turned out that she had been rushed back into hospital.. I didn’t know, the next thing I was told by my relative that she’d died..they said they didn’t know that I didn’t know she was in hospital.
It’s so confusing no one will speak to me about anything. It seems that because he has visited her I have just been cut out completely because I didn’t. If I’d known I would have gone to see her but I now feel guilty that I didn’t know, I know it’s ridiculous but I still feel bad.
I’ve been told to think if there is a memento that I would like and he will think about it..
He’s acting as if he is the one in charge,If he’s seen the will he will know if he’s an executor and that will explain his attitude. It still doesn’t give him the right to make all the decisions without consulting me..
I feel awful saying it but at this very moment I HATE the pair of them.

It's not a surprise that the hospital didn't know there were other siblings. I work in a hospital ward and when a person is admitted we just get their next of kin. We don't ask about the rest of the family - it isn't really relevant. So if your mother told them that your brother was her next of kin, that's all they'd need to know. Hospitals assume that the next of kin will inform other family about what is going on.

If you and your brother are estranged, it's not really a surprise that he hasn't informed you of anything. If he is the official next of kin and he has arranged / paid for the funeral, then you are not going to be able to make any changes unfortunately. Your mother apparently made him her next of kin, and you can't change that . Children of the deceased person don't all become joint next of kin, it's usually just one person who is nominated , and in this case it's him. Tough for you but that's how it works.

Oh OP..... massive massive condolences and hugs. .I read this and empathise as two years ago my father was in hospital and my siblings didn't contact me. I was left out of everything. It broke our relationship. I also feel hate.

But your situation is so raw and also the bereavement (sorry for your loss) and lack of emotional support and actually being pushed out- is shocking.

You might need to contact a local solicitor to get advice. I hope someone can give you proper legal advice. But 100 percent I would go to the funeral or you will live with that forever. Say your goodbyes. But your brother is a cruel b#$tard. You have every right to be angry.

Thank you for sharing your experience.

My BB s girlfriend contacted the funeral parlour and mum paid via an insurance so that is one reason I don’t get why I don’t have a say..
When she was taken in to hospital I was on holiday that would have been the reason she only told them about my brother as I wouldn’t have been contactable.
I understood that all siblings are equal next of kin.. my sister is allowed to speak to people.
Something has gone on but I don’t know what..
My side of the family knows mum had episodes of ‘Lying’ to put it mildly. She had told me several times over the years she had very serious illnesses when she hadn’t..She told my husband he’d done stuff and he hadn’t.. he called her out on it and she shrugged him off. She told friends previously that she had tried calling me and my husband but i have never had any missed calls from her and my husband lives on his phone and he’s not had any either. I have answerphones and no messages were left.
Mum and I had been talking and we had discussed visiting after we got home so there is no obvious reason for complete change ..and to cut me out..
I do wonder if my BB had manipulated her whilst she wasn’t well?
I know this now sounds like sour grapes but I just cannot understand anything else..
I feel guilty which is irrational as I know I haven’t done anything wrong..
I’m very confused hurt and struggling to keep control.
I still haven’t decided whether I can make it to the funeral as I can’t bear to see BB and have him putting me down ..

You need to take someone with you to the funeral and support you through it without putting you down.

Also have a think about things like mementos that you might want and notify your brother by text advising of this before they go missing.

Also keep trying to locate the solicitor and even if they don’t read the will they can check if your are an executor and if there are any specified funeral arrangements.
Then when will is read you need to consider if you need or want to challenge it if it was remade in her last weeks of life