Moving and starting afresh after loss of DH

[BobbidiBibbidi]

Lost DH in May after long cancer battle. We live in South East of England where he grew up and his parents live. I am struggling and feeling alone, my family are in South Wales, my in-laws are lovely but it is still very painful. I don't feel like I am a good mum at the moment and I think having my family around will really help out. I WFH.

DS and DD are currently Y6, so I am thinking about fresh start for secondary school. I broached the idea and they aren't keen to leave their friends, and have to explain again to new people that their dad has died.

Does anyone have any experience/words of wisdom?

I am so sorry for the loss of your DH, that must be terribly hard on you.

To be honest I wouldn't be uprooting the children just yet. I know it's awful for you, but they probably at this moment in time need things to stay the same, with your in-laws around, their friends around etc. Give yourself some time to breath, set a target of say a year and then make revaluate things and see how you feel. It's very early days for you, don't be making any rash/massive decisions just yet. Big hugs to you all.

So sorry op, really sad for you.

I believe there is stock advice to not make any big decisions in the first year after a significant loss. I think that is quite sensible really, though can see how the timing works for next summer….

Hang in there. Fate will throw the right thing your way

I'm so sorry. It must be so tough for you. I came on to give the same advice as GrandeTerrasse - to wait a year before making big decisions.

Are your family able to visit you? Have you got some friends you can lean on? I think people often want to help, but don't know how.

@GrandeTerrasse

So sorry op, really sad for you.

I believe there is stock advice to not make any big decisions in the first year after a significant loss. I think that is quite sensible really, though can see how the timing works for next summer….

Hang in there. Fate will throw the right thing your way

Such lovely advice

Sorry for your loss.
We lost dh when dd2 was in Year 6, and what I would say is that even though we stayed where we were and dd moved up to the local High school where loads from her school went, she still had to tell people she'd lost her dad as lots of schools feed into the high school so most of her new class didn't know her. Dd2 sees a TA trained in bereavement once a fortnight which she finds helpful. They just play games and chat.
I can definitely see the advantage of moving to be near family, but other people have made valid points too.

I lost DH when our DCs were aged 8 and 3; I couldn't stay in the country where we were living at the time, so had to uproot everything and move back to the UK within three months of his death.

It was difficult making a fresh start, but it was for the best. My children didn't want the fact that their dad had died to be the first thing everyone knew about them, so they often didn't tell people for quite a while. I feel the same, but there will always be people who need to be told for the rest of your and their lives, unfortunately. Staying in one place won't make much difference.

If you think you are going to want to move at any point before your DC leave school, I would say that before the start of secondary is the best time to do it (assuming that both areas follow the same primary/secondary groupings rather than having a middle-school system). It is a time of natural shaking up and reforming of friendship groups as children move on to bigger secondary schools. The longer you leave it after that, the harder it will probably be for the DCs.

If you feel you will have more support from family (and friends?) if you move back to your home area, then I would probably go for it. Just make sure that you can make regular visits back to your current area so that your DCs don't lose their relationship with your DH's side of the family, and they can try to stay in touch with some of their old friends (much easier these days with the internet).

Hi OP, I'm so sorry for your loss and I can absolutely see why you would want to move closer to your family.

My Mum died of cancer when I was in Y5 so not dissimilar age to your DC. We stayed where we were although I didn't go to secondary with any of my primary friends and although it was a bit awkward explaining to my new friends that I didn't have a Mum around any more, it was just a moment's difficulty really.

However, I absolutely loved seeing my primary school friends - and this is a feeling for me that has continued into adulthood - because they knew my Mum, she had cooked for them and taken them for days out and tucked them into bed at sleepovers. I wouldn't have known age 10/11 how much keeping that connection would mean to me, but it really did mean a lot.

I also suspect that your DC will really value that close connection with their paternal grandparents as the years pass; the stories and memories they'll be able to hear about their Dad from his parents will be so important to them.

These are just a couple of thoughts to consider.

Sorry for your loss [foowers] that is such a big decision OP. I can understand the need for you to be closer to your family though.

How do your in-laws feel? I presume the children probably see more of them due to the geographic distance to your family?

Sounds like your children have formed close friendships, as they will move up in seniors often they can be split up and form new friendships, children are very adaptable. I can see the logic in the thought of moving before they start at senior school, but do you think you are ready to make such a big decision?

Is there a financial element in the decision, will the move your are proposing half make you & your family more financially secure?

I can see your need for a fresh start, but unfortunately it’s true that any problems, worries that you have in your head, go with you wherever you are.

Moving is a very stressful process in itself OP, we have recently moved, and .I wouldn’t fancy doing it again in a hurry.

Wishing you well in whatever decision you make OP, do what’s right for you, but take time to think about all of the options, no rush to make a quick decision. Good luck.