9 yr old- books or resources to explain death and dying

[Knitwit101]

I'm sorry if this is insensitive, it's happened to us quite quickly and we're not prepared.

We're losing someone special, probably in the next few days. My 9 yr old in particular has lots of questions around death and dying. I was trying to explain how hearing is supposed to be one of the last things to go so even if someone is unconscious they can hear, and us all being in the room chatting will be comforting. He then said "oh I thought the heart was the last thing" and I realised I wasn't explaining myself very clearly.

I thought I could just search on the Internet for some sort of simple explanation of dying, some sort of book, but its really hard to find the right thing.

Has anyone got any suggestions?

There's lots about grief and coming to terms with a person being gone, we'll need that too. But I can't find a simple explanation aimed at the right level.

Ds is only 9 but he's wanted to be very involved, he's been in the hospital every day. But we're near the end now and I guess there are going to be noticeable changes coming, I just don't know.

Thank you, and sorry if I've upset anyone. I'm in a bit of a panic.

This book looks like a good way to explain the death process rather than bereavement/grief and suitable for up to 8 years. www.amazon.co.uk/Lifetimes-Bryan-Mellonie/dp/0553344021/ref=sr_1_13?dchild=1&keywords=Death+process+biology&srpt=ABIS_BOOK&qsid=262-5623922-5743108&sres=1848164017%2C1439818827%2C0895030969%2C1785703234%2CB000SBECK0%2C113832082X%2C0999494988%2C1785923269%2C1138587451%2CB008QXL930%2CB089CRZG9J%2C0241270774%2C0553344021%2C1982135654%2C0008466548%2C1932565566&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1633282932&sr=8-13

My own children were older when my DH died and my professional experience of dealing with bereaved children was in early years so sorry I can’t personally recommend a book.

‘Sad’ by Michael Rosen - a bit young possibly but a beautiful poem about him coming to terms with the death of his son, and the anger and sadness and acceptance he has felt

Badger’s Parting Gifts is a superb picture book suitable for all ages

Do the hospital have a palliative care team who can guide you / provide specific support to children? I'm sure (sadly) it's not the first time they will have supported children who have a dying relative and they may have some resources they can give you, or direct you to online.

Look up Katherine mannix. Her book with the end in mind is amazing, but probably a bit too grown up for a 9 year old. However she has recorded videos and podcasts where she very gently describes what happens when we die. It's basically how the body shuts down and we sleep more etc. It's really amazing and at the very least worth you listening to, so you can use it to help you explain to your child what will happen. But you might decide your child could listen too. So sorry you are going through this.

At a very basic level, there will be a point when your loved one no longer responds - they may appear to be snoring because their mouth may well be open and their breath raspy. Breathing becomes more and more laboured - larger gaps between breaths, possibly with no breath for a few seconds before another intake. It might be quite loud and raspy, even 'gurgle-y' due to not being able to swallow spit in the mouth, or it might be quiet and shallow. It is thought that hearing is the very last of our senses to go, even when we aren't responding anymore, so talking to your loved one is still a good idea. Skin might be cold and even discoloured because of circulation being poorer.

When the moment of death happens, it is clear that it has happened, and that final moment is quick. The heart stops and there is no pulse anymore. There is nothing to pump oxygen to the brain. Your loved ones face and body will probably 'loosen' due to the loss of muscle tone. A lot of people look very peaceful when they have passed, and a lot of doctors believe that the actual moment of death is painless and 'freeing', regardless of how much pain they may have been in prior to death.

I would go with an explanation like this for your son - if he's 9 and saying he thought the heart was the last thing to go, he has an understanding of bodily functions, so this is quite simple and straightforward. From my personal experience, and I wouldn't say this to him, my Nan did have a 'death rattle' as she passed, and bought up fluid from her lungs - we just wiped it off and it was fine, but just to make you aware in case your son is there and this happens. I'm sorry if I've distressed you with that, it isn't my intention, just to keep you informed - it had no bearing on how peaceful it was when she went in any way, shape or form.

This must be such a hard time for you and I hope you're all getting the support you need.

I agree that Badger’s Parting Gifts is lovely, and looking back to when my husband died, the 11 year old needed something “younger” than normal. We had that book from when he suffered an extreme reaction to a pet dying, and he actually wanted it read to him again.