Help funeral advice

[Macey1988]

My partners grandad has died and his funeral will probably be some point next week. My partner is carrying the coffin, I want to be there to support him so me and our 7 year old and 8 year old are going to go. I never really expected my kids to go although partner wanted them to and when asking kids they said they want to also. They do have an understanding about death although not attended a funeral before. I never realised that I am expected and my kids, to go to the cemetery afterwards in which he will be buried. This is making me extremely uncomfortable and more uncomfortable for my kids to see also. What’s everyone’s thoughts on this? I just think it might be a lot emotionally for my children as they currently have a brother who is terminally ill also. I’m not sure if it’s just our different upbringings which make me feel uncomfortable with this and it’s normal to everyone else, I would appreciate advice thank you

All of my mum's grandchildren and great-grandchildren went to her funeral chapel and cemetery.

Your partners grandad? Were the kids close to him? If the answer to that is no, then don’t take them to any part of the funeral imo there’s no need for it. Having had to take my kids to their fathers funeral at the age of 6 and 9 imo keep funerals and kids for only when they need to and that’s close relatives/ friends.

I would maybe expect to go to support partner but I wouldn’t take kids at their age even to the service.
I didn’t take my DS to DGM funeral when he was slightly older than yours, he did go to a recent family funeral as it was a few years later.

@Fcuk38

Your partners grandad? Were the kids close to him? If the answer to that is no, then don’t take them to any part of the funeral imo there’s no need for it. Having had to take my kids to their fathers funeral at the age of 6 and 9 imo keep funerals and kids for only when they need to and that’s close relatives/ friends.

I do see your point, but recently had a conversation with a friend who said that the first funeral she attended was her mother's, when she (friend) was in her twenties. She found it very difficult, never having been to one before, and felt that it would have been better for her to have previously attended one or two funerals of people less close to her. (Just an alternative view!)

If am being honest no the kids weren’t that close to him, I mean they knew him but they are not really hurt that he has passed away. I don’t want to go and it’s traumatic for them and I don’t want to go to the burial part as if being honest I feel like a fraud as I wasn’t close to him either. I feel stuck and really don’t know what to do

I also see your point and I’m all for normalising death as you can. But The first funeral I went to was that one one of my husband, no amount of other funerals would have prepped me/ us for that tbh.

I’m not from England, perfectly normal in my culture to go to funerals and burials from a very young age.

Not just close relatives but also neighbours, parents’ work colleagues, little girl in my sister’s Year 4 class who died suddenly. Everyone went, young and old. I don’t remember any children being traumatised by any of it. It was quite matter of fact despite the crying - which is normal at funerals.

I had a much worse time attending my grandma’s burial at 12yo. I wasn’t close to her, but it hit me much harder that she’s going in the ground and not coming back ever again. My brain could comprehend what it meant in a much better way at that age.

I’d bring my kids at 7 and 8, but like you said I think it depends on how each person’s upbringing was.

Why are you and children expected to go to the cemetery for the burial? I don’t see why you could not attend the service at the church and then go from there straight to the reception/wake location. You could help ensure it is all set up and prepared for when everyone else arrives after the burial?

Thanks everyone, am really not sure what to do. I have lost my mother and lost my gran when I was young so that’s the only funerals I have been to as unless it’s immediate family I don’t go. I just feel rubbish if I wasn’t there to support my partner, I don’t feel it would do my kids any favours seeing someone get buried although if it was someone whom they were closer to then my opinion would probably be different. I feel so awkward as my partner is carrying the coffin and I will be sitting with my MIL and SIL, and know my MIL will be distraught so I am feeling out of depth. I do understand I’m probably overthinking parts of it, I’ve just never been to a burial as my family are all cremated.

If not close and I'm going to assume elderly? I would take them especially in the context of having a terminal sibling
Death happens and it's better to experience a funeral when they are not really emotionally connected.
We really shouldn't hide away death it is not helpful.
One day it will be someone they really are connected to and it's easier if they have an idea of what happens.
Use it as a learning experience. if you are not emotional it's unlikely they will be, but you can explain what is happening in the context of someone who lived to an old age.

It sounds as though your partner and his family - MIL, SIL - might be grateful for your support if you are all there? Burials can be difficult but you might be able not to get too distraught, if you didn’t know the grandad so well. I think though that the family would appreciate your presence there, even if just for moral support. You could always take a place towards the back if standing directly by the grave feels like too much on the day.

I’d do what my partner and his family wanted me to do in this instance.

I think very old people that kids aren't close to, are good 'practice' funerals, to be honest.

My DDs had never been to a funeral before their dad's, and I think the not knowing what to expect made it even worse for them.

Also few people are likely to be distressed, given the man's age, so it won't be too upsetting in that regard either.

If it is making you uncomfortable and anxious then don't let your kids go. Is there is someone else who can look after them? You can support your husband then.
If no one can look after them then don't go! He will cope on his own, it's perfectly understandable and half expected for children not to go to funerals.

The venue for the burial will probably be understanding and helpful if you wanted to take your children to see the place before the day. I have had to do this with my children, and I think being matter of fact when explaining about what happens at a funeral is the best way of dealing with it. If they see you being distressed at the thought of the funeral then they will worry more. Let it be just something that we all have to go through at some time, and let them know that people at funerals are there to care for and support one another.

I found the hardest thing with mine (11 and 13 at the time) was that they were - reasonably enough - not as upset as me at my Mum's funeral, and their matter of fact approach was quite hard to deal with. My two have always come to church with us and their reaction to going to a service is to make sure they have a book to read ... as long as that sort of thing is not going to upset other people you might be surprised how unfazed they are.

My dd1 is buried in the cemetery. Dd2 was born 2 months after. We took her to the cemetery straight from the hospital so dd1 was the first person to meet her 😪
Dd2 is nearly 6 she is very familiar with going to the cemetery she knowns you never walk on the graves and if a funeral is taking place you don't sing or dance about🙈
Going to a funeral in the cemetery wouldn't upset her. If she wasn't familiar with it I could imagine it might.

I wouldn’t take my children to a funeral that young but only you know your children. I also don’t agree with practice funerals; knowing the order of funerals does not make it any easier when it’s someone close. In your position I would go and support your partner but I wouldn’t take the kids. Cemeteries on the other hand can be calm and beautiful places so if it was someone close (or your partner wants to) they could visit there and know that’s where they remember greatgrandad.