How do you get through the festive season?

[Onandoff]

We lost mum to covid in January. She was in hospital through last Christmas but seemed to be rapidly improving, so it wasn’t too sad but I was a bit tearful shopping etc without her.

I’ve been quite badly affected of late, not sleeping, tearful. Busying myself in working extra shifts. Yesterday in M&S again I got very tearful seeing all the festive tins of biscuits. Mum loved coming to us at Christmas and would start to buy her Christmas non perishables about now. We’d watch all those crappy channel 5 films.

I’m so sad at the thought of it all looming ahead, there is no joy left. DH and DC will be there and our pets but there is someone missing. How do you get through it?

So sorry OP. It isn’t easy.

I’d suggest varying your day slightly. If it’s exactly the same as it always was in terms of routine (2020 nonwithstanding), you’ll feel her absence more keenly. Whereas if you go for a long walk or to church (for example) when normally you don’t, it’ll take on a different air.

You paint on a smile for the sake of your DC, but then have a quiet upset moment when you need to 💐
The first one is the hardest to get through.
My DM died 26 years ago. Every Xmas morning I smile through the present opening, then have a cry in the shower.

The advise I was given after the death of my son was not to attempt to replicate Christmas gone by.
We tended to have the day just as a close family but the first Christmas after we invited family members we would not usually invite
We moved the table and we chose not to have a tree or decorations. We also asked people not to send cards.
I can't pretend it wasn't still terribly sad but the build up was much worse than the actual day.
We just kept everything low key and that stopped us wasting energy on trying to put a brave front on or to make things 'jolly'.
Years on we have new family traditions all from that first horrendous Christmas, life has continued to change and evolve and there are now Grandchildren in the equation. I've also moved which has changed things again.
I still cry in M&S when I see the picture on the tin of Christmas shortcake biscuits ( a running joke with my son, will it be a bloody load of stags??!!) so I do get you
Try something different this year, have a different style lunch at a different time, go for a walk at a different time, do stockings if you've never done them or don't if you have. mix it up
It may just help get through the first year, my deepest condolences to you

Thanks all, this is helpful. We moved house since she died (was in motion before she became ill) so will be helpful to be somewhere different. But also somewhat sad as we had so many memories with her in the old house. We’ve had an invite to go to a relatives for the day so might just do that. I’ll avoid the M&S biscuit aisle too…
I think we’ll decorate and do the tree as we’ve always loved Christmas and I don’t want it to be a miserable time. Maybe keep as busy as possible.

It's hard & there's no one right answer.

I found one thing that helped was 'what would Dad have wanted for the DC', so, for ME, it was to keep as many family traditions as possible and to make new ones with the DC, to remember him, but slap on a smile for the kids & remember that life isn't fair, but it's all we've got!

A decade on it's still bloody hard, I won't lie, but you'll get through it, simply because there's no bloody option! It's all around us.., but so is your mum cx

Many sympathies @Onandoff . My mum died in January too and last Christmas was just awful as she was so ill. I’m dreading it and just want to wake up and it all be done! My little one is too young to remember her and my partner loves Christmas and doesn’t really understand how I’m feeling so I feel under loads of pressure to be cheerful and not spoil it for everyone. The tips to make something different are a good idea. It’s the stockings I’m feeling particularly awful about as I did one for her every year and she loved it.

Sorry for everyone's losses My mum died suddenly in January too and I'm dreading Christmas. She always used to make it so special for us as kids spoilt us rotten so I know I've got to try and do the same for DS as he was her only grandchild and she loved to see him open his presents. She stayed over on Christmas Eve last year - I didn't want her being on her own with the covid situation, so she was here first thing in the morning for all the excitement.