It's hard when parent in laws die

[hookcup]

By no means am I suggesting that losing a parent law is as hard as losing your actual parents but if you were close to your in laws it's hard

You have to be strong for your kids (their beloved grandparents) and your partner of course. But you yourself can feel like you're falling apart sometimes. You don't get included in the sibling support network so you can feel lonely

I suppose a lot of people don't give a stuff about their in laws but mine were like parents to me as I was orphaned young.

My mother in law has weeks left and we only lost my FIL one year ago. I don't want to pity myself it's awful for my DH and his siblings. But I'm not sure I have the strength this time

I can understand what you mean OP. It is almost like you are not part of the inner sanctum of grief. There is an unsaid expectation your grief will be less or different. It is hard.

Be kind to yourself. There is also nothing wrong in showing the kids you are upset. They should learn that it is normal to be upset when people you love die, not fear it.

Thanks that means a lot

The siblings draw together and I get this. It's like going back to their childhood sanctum. Almost instinctual.

I do feel left out but then what can I expect. I know this is my issue because I never had a family of my own.

Just feels good to let off here.

I'm so sorry, OP. Sometimes the nature of our relationships aren't well defined by the labels that we put on them. You are entitled to feel whatever you feel.

I can understand this. I’m guessing your partner is needing you to be the strong one but you don’t really feel it. Perhaps you could chat to friends about it - where you can be the grieving one and not the strong one.

I'm so sorry OP

My MIL died in the summer. I found it hard being the supportive one (there was a long lead up and the 9 months to her death was v stressful) with everyone assuming that I was ok or wasn't sad or upset. Having to tell my children their grandmother had died was awful. And then having to tell school, my work, my family and friends too was just a repeated sadness that I just had to get over really.

The funeral run up was tough as I ended up having to be the stiff upper lip for DH and our children and also help make decisions. I've had to hold things together and everyone expects me to be absolutely fine.

Yes I have friends I can talk to

Sometimes it feels easier to chat on here

Thanks for understanding ❤️

I found it harder loosing my lovely wonderful MIL than I did my mother for all the things you mention.

She died 3 years ago and I miss her dearly. Wish she was around.

I was so close to MIL and honestly I wasn't my mum mil was a close family member we miss and talk about in everyday life. Remember when grandma did x

My mum lived in Scandinavia and whilst her passing was sad and sudden so shocking out everyday life didn't change.

There was recently a thread on mn about if you could have 1 hour w someone who had passed on who woild it be. Mil for me woild be higher up than my mum.

Loosing mil was so hard and yet you are meant to give the support and help out. Yet your own grief is present too to work through.

Still its a grief i take with me on some level happily as it means I loved and was loved in return..

I completely understand, my MIL was better than my own mother to me. I lost my MIL recently, we were very close, she helped me, supported me and treated me as a daughter. I am trying to support DH who is understandably very upset, my grown up DS’ who are struggling to cope without her. I am emotional most days, and I try not to cry in front of my sons or DH, but it’s really tough. I still can’t believe she has gone. It’s a really difficult time.

Yes, it is hard. My parents are still alive so I haven't experienced the loss of one of my on parents but the loss of MIL 3 years ago was awful and as you describe, the siblings all gather with DFIL every anniversary without the spouses etc. MIL was only ill for a few days before her death and it was totally unexpected, the DCs went to bed knowing Grandma had gone into hospital and that DH was travelling to see her the next day, she deteriorated in the night and DH left at midnight to go to her city, by the morning she had left us and I had to wake the DCs and tell them, it was horrendous. We used to text each other all the time, liked the same books and TV shows, shared hobbies. Miss her a lot.

I'm so sorry for everyone's losses. I lost my own lovely mum 6 weeks ago. You are so right about the sibling thing. My sister, dad and I have formed a tight little group that we aren't letting anyone else in. You've really given me a bit of a wake up call. My husband loved my mum and I've just left him to get on with the kids and stuff while I cared for mum and grieved. Sounds silly but I hadn't really thought of things from his side. Thankyou for this perspective

I lost my lovely MIL at the start of last year. My H is an only child, and we were all very close and saw them every week, used to speak every day and they lived 10 mins away. We cared for her during her cancer treatment, DH and I took her for her chemo/radiotherapy and also went with them to all appointments with the consultant and we did all the discussions with the Dr. We were all with her at the end. Her death has left such a huge hole in our family life. I miss her, the phone ringing every evening, I miss us doing family stuff together and I am so sad that she is not here to see her grandchildren grow up. I still have my parents, but they have never been as involved or close as my in-laws were. I just feel such sadness at what we have lost, and its heartbreaking. She was my 'mum' too for over 20 years.
You do need to be strong for everyone else, but you have your own grief to deal with.

Yes it's incredibly hard.
You end up carrying a lot more than you can. In the immediate family, you end up being the Strong Rock. For me, personally, I felt very emotionally apart from my husband's extended family (they live in Oz, so geography has impacted our emotional closeness). We did well when my FIL died (he'd been like a second dad to me). Although I felt like I was outside the nucleus of the family grief, it didn't bother me as much because my love for FIL was very solid and strong, so my grief became my own personal comforter, if that makes sense. I felt secure in my own grief, my own love for FIL, even if I myself was floating on the borderland of my husband's family circle. But when my husband's stepfather died this year, I felt very, very much apart. I really felt like an outcast. The kids and I were really excluded from that loss as that side of the family sort of 'circled the wagons' and receded into their insular grief. It had an impact on my marriage, which fell apart shortly after for other reasons that had nothing to do with my stepdad's death.
But on the flipside, I became acutely aware of what a shitty support my husband was when my brother died this year. He was terrible and that for me was a real deal-breaker in the marriage. Being there, with a hug and a steaming mug of tea is enough. Just knowing that you've got back-up in your husband or wife matters a great deal. It doesn't have to be bells and whistles with a parade of hired professional mourners following you around. Just a hug, a moment to say, 'I am your maoz tsur' or 'Thank you for being my rock,' matters a great deal.

It is hard OP. Having lost my dad in my early 20s I’ve spent more time with my lovely FIL than I did mine own dad. It’s heartbreaking seeing him decline with dementia.

My FIL and MIL died within days of each other. One was expected, the other was not.

It left us all reeling.

I ended up giving up work because I simply couldn't support everyone in the way they needed, grieve for my wonderful PIL, and work in a high pressure job.

A double funeral was the most surreal, devastating experience.

Added to which the very misguided comments for well-meaning people about 'oh they obviously couldn't bear to be parted'.

I lost my MIL last summer and my FIL in January. It’s her birthday today and it’s so hard her not being here. I love my Mum dearly but I could tell my MIL everything