Bereavement leave

[StinkingCold]

Hi

My mum died recently (9th sept). I took 3 days off to be by her bedside before she died, and a further 4 days bereavement (day she died plus 3 more days) before returning to work.

I was back at work for a week, then had 2 days off with a cold (I think I went back too soon, and was so stressed and run down with everything, plus all the bugs going round at the moment. That's why I caught a cold. I tried to go in with my cold, but in the end it did flaw me and I felt i couldn't go in for 2 days last week).

Now I'm back after my 2 days sick and my manager has sent an email saying I can have 3 days bereavement leave only and we'll have to work out from my annual leave how to cover the rest. I'll assume I can have sick leave for the sick days.

To be fair, I only took 3 days bereavement officially, as one of the 4 days I was off I had already booked annual leave prior to mum even being ill.

However, the way the email is worded is a bit harsh and making me feel bad for being off as long as I was.

I needed to be by mums bedside for the 3 days before she died and I thought returning 4 working days after her death was bloody brave of me. I definitely wasn't ready.

But now I feel like I'm being made to feel guilty as if I've taken the piss.

I work for the NHS in a crisis service were I frequently have to run debriefs and reflective spaces for team members when a client dies. Given I work daily with clients who want to kill themselves, I also have to face death conversations daily, and to be honest, my job is bloody emotionally hard work at the best of times. It's not been easy returning and I've been trying so hard to put.on a brave face. But the wording.of the email.is making me feel I should have just got over mum dying in a couple of days, and maybe not have taken time off at all in the days leading up to her death.

How long have other people had to grieve after losing a parent? I thought I was being strong returning so 'soon', but apparantly it's a normal amount of time and I should be over it all in 3 days.. (haven't even had the funeral yet, it's next week)

I'm sorry for your loss.

In my company, bereavement leave would be 3 days, plus one day to attend the funeral of a close family member, unless involved in organising it, it which case it's 3 days.

When my colleague's mum died, she sickness self cert for a week, and had a Doctor's line for a second week off. This is not uncommon.

If you can, check your HR handbook. It does sound like your line manager may be correct.

Yes, she is right! And she's a good manager and been very kind to me during this whole thing. I just can't believe how quickly people are meant to get over such a significant loss. Just witnessing the death has completely knocked me for 6, it was so traumatic I can't get it out my head. Then there's obviously the grieving and missing my mum like hell on top of that. Plus trying to sort all the practical stuff and look after my siblings... I'm pretty close to having a break down!!

It's made me feel so rubbish that I haven't been able to just get over it within the 3 days . I always thought I was strong, and 4 days was too soon for me to return really - I wasn't ready. But I'm guessing if this is the leave policy, then other people cope.just fine and I should have been fine after 3 days... :(So now.my identity as 'strong' etc.. has been a bit shattered and I feel useless, weak and pathetic.

I'm so sorry.

Bereavement leave for my dad wasn't long, maybe 3 days, but I just went to my GP and was signed off for what turned out to be a total of 2 weeks. In my case that was adequate for that bereavement. I had 2 months off plus a phased return when my husband took his own life, most of that was sick leave. But I have to say, my managers didn't make much fuss about it to me, they were very kind. They also changed my work pattern so I want working on wards with post- attempted suicide injuries.

See your GP.

@StinkingCold just wanted to send a my virtual hug. I lost my mum suddenly last year wasn't allowed to go to hospital becays of covid I had a great boss he gave me 3 weeks off full pay not taken from holidays I was working from home because of covid and ended up taking mat leave early as I just couldn't cope talking to anyone
3 days is some kind of sick joke. I can only presume your manager hasn't experienced this loss

sorry for your loss.

The 3 days isn't a measure of how long you are allowed to mourn for, or an expectation of how soon you can cope with your work again. You need the time you need and that will be ok. The 3 day limit is solely about the number of extra dats of paid leave that you are being credited with in HR records. You still get the time off that you can't work, but it needs to be defined as sick leave, annual leave or unpaid leave rather than bereavement leave. It's just bureaucracy, it doesn't mean anything. Take the time you need and don't worry about it.

I am sorry for your loss, but no-one is suggesting for a minute you "should be over it". If we waited until we were "over it" or no longer mourning, or no longer missing our Mums, many of us wouldn't be abele to go to work for the next 20 years.

Obviously everyone is different - not only in how they cope emotionally, but also in terms of what needs to be done immediately, or in the following week, and who there is to do those things. For me (and I reiterate, this is very personal) I found having to "get on with things" and structure my life quite helpful after all my close family bereavements. I realise that isn't for everyone, but there is an element of the fact that you will never 'be ready' to go back to work, and sometimes, the longer you leave it, the harder it is.
Many bereaved people carry on functioning quite well in the early days and the real grief doesn't hit them for weeks, or months later. Objectively, you will be able to see employers can't give everyone 6 months or 12 months leave until they feel ready.
When it is a massive organisation like the NHS, there have to be rules which apply to everyone, unfortunately, and, unfortunately some of the personal conversation you would have in a smaller place sometimes gets lost in a corporate e-mail.
Take care of yourself

Thanks all. Yes, I totally understand the NHS can't pay out unlimited funds for everyone all the time. I dont know what I expected really! I had never thought about it pre- this month! I am finding it helpful now a bit, being back. I think at 4 days in I was on some other planet though and God knows how I was functioning. I've been taken a back by the whole loss and my reaction to.it all, and I just feel a bit amazed that 3 days is considered a normal bereavement period. I really thought, although I was (am) finding things hard, that I was doing well to be going back when I did (probably because it felt a struggle and yet I did it!) But now I'm realising that this wasn't anything brave or strong, but normal and expected! Just feeling a bit weak given how hard I found it! (A bit like climbing a mountain and thinking 'wow I did it!' - then seeing that everyone else that set off with you has not only reached the summit ages ago, but they've got back down to the bottom again and are already half way up the next one!)

Most people i know take 2 -3 weeks. But its mostly paid sick leave. Usually covers the time up to and a bit after the funeral. No one expects you to be ok after 3 days it's just what the bereavement leave period is.

Sorry for your loss op. My mum passed away suddenly late last year, I'm not over it. No one should expect you to be ok for a while. You deserve patience and support.

It's unfair of your boss to make you feel like this. Please take a second look when you're calm - have they worded it badly? Does their attitude match?
You did well getting back so soon, I'm sorry that hasn't been recognised.

Could you take any of the days as sick retrospectivly? Self cert mental health day?

@StinkingCold, I haven’t got anything to add to other people’s advice, but wanted to say sorry for the loss of your mum and the sad, difficult time you’re going through. Whatever the rules of your workplace, 3 days sounds very little, and if you need more (even if it’s sick leave) I hope you’ll be able to take it. Look after yourself.

Im sorry for your loss.

I worked for local government for many years and there were, as other posters have stated, bureaucratic rules about bereavement leave (known as compassionate leave). If the death involved immediate family (parent/sibling/child) leave was with pay. For more distant relatives it was unpaid. Staff were at liberty to take what leave they felt they needed but there were defined parameters as to how much (if any) was with pay. They could also choose to take unpaid leave from their holiday entitlement.

I had the task of asking colleagues about their relationship and to what extennt they were responsible for the arrangements and all this was put on the request form. The final decision as to whether they had paid or unpaid leave was made above my pay grade.

Your boss is probably in this position of simply having to relay the news of how much of your leave is "paid" and how much "unpaid". There is no question of diminishing your grief or personal feelings. Its a bureaucratic process.

I'm sorry for your loss, op. I know that 3 days doesn't seem like much, but it isn't designated that you'd "get over it" in three days. That is just how long the average person would need to get back to doing their normal work . When my mum died I was actually glad to get back to work because it gave my life some structure , and it was helpful . We're all different I know, but staying at home isn't always the best way to handle grief.

I think bereavement leave is really just designed to cover time off for funeral and arrangements and not really designed to cover the time it takes to get over it/passed it.

If it's a parent, sibling , child i can imagine you'll be a complete mess for months, and it can take years before you feel like your old self at all.

I took about 3 months off when my dad died but I was working for a medium sized business so they have a lot more flexibility, i did also probably 4-5 days worth of work during that time just pieces here and there that only i could do. I told them straight up i was going to quit if I couldn't have the time off which might have helped, but again a bit employer probably won't have the ability to be flexible like this.

But ya I think it'll be difficult for you to get your work done for months if your experience is anything like mine was.

Thanks all, have found your responses very helpful

I’m so sorry.

Go to your GP and ask to be signed off. I had six weeks off after my DM passed away (2 weeks compassionate leave, and 4 eeeks six leave) and that followed 2 weeks carers leave while she was very unwell.

Explain to your manager that the other days taken you were not fit for work. As you wouldn’t have been able to complete your job without breaking down and crying, also due to the sensitive nature of your work this would have been appropriate

As you were unfit for work how would your manager like to mark this absence?

Your manager seems to be a knob without empathy

Sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry you lost your Mum and that your boss has been less than supportive about it. 3 days is not nearly good enough from them. I had 2 weeks of paid bereavement leave when I lost a parent. I would definitely get paid sick leave so you can take the time you need.

I work for the NHS, and my DH died recently. I was entitled to 5 days bereavement leave, but my manager automatically assumed that I would get a sick note within a few days and be off sick for a long time. She would be the same if someone's parent died. Given your job, it is a shame your manager was not more understanding.
Even if bereavement leave is just intended for the practicalities of sorting out the funeral etc, my experience is you can't do that in a couple of days. 12 days after DH's death I am nowhere near the end of the administration and sorting out the finances and really only just started on the funeral arrangements (partly because there had to be a post-mortem first)

I’m very sorry for the loss of your mum. After my dad died unexpectedly I had 2 weeks off and then the funeral day, all paid for, no questions asked and fully supported by my employer, but I do work for a small company and we’re all seen more like as family than as employees. I found it helped going back to work.

My boss confirmed today that 3 days is all I can have. The funeral and any other days, including the days by her bedside when she was dying must come from my annual leave. I'm irrationally super angry about this!! But then again, I am a bit emotionally all over the place at present. I've asked for the 3 days prior to mums death to be classed as sick. I think if she comes back and says no I will go to the GP and take sick for the next 3 months and hand in my resignation at the same time (I have 3 month notice period!) I know this is a bit extreme, but I feel really peed off right now!!

Everyone I know, myself included, who works for the nhs has gone sick when a close relative has died....and taken off anything from 3 weeks to 6 months off, all paid...certainly not used their annual leave....managers have been fine about this....why didn’t you go sick the day you started sitting with your mum....you cannot have been fit for work .....the GP would have signed you off....Sorry for your loss

@StinkingCold

My boss confirmed today that 3 days is all I can have. The funeral and any other days, including the days by her bedside when she was dying must come from my annual leave. I'm irrationally super angry about this!! But then again, I am a bit emotionally all over the place at present. I've asked for the 3 days prior to mums death to be classed as sick. I think if she comes back and says no I will go to the GP and take sick for the next 3 months and hand in my resignation at the same time (I have 3 month notice period!) I know this is a bit extreme, but I feel really peed off right now!!

Take the full 6 months off if you need to...

Thanks KitKat! :) I didn't go sick the day I started sitting with mum because partly I was only focussed on her and wasn't thinking about work and what kind of leave it should be, and secondly I just maybe assumed whatever leave it would be my manager would do the best for me and sort it out and advise... I'd do things differently with the benefit of hindsight :(