TW how to support parent bereaved by suicide

[user9873249875]

The teenage sibling of a child in DC class has died by suicide. We are not close friends with the family but our kids have been in the same classes since pre school and we have done lift shares, standing on PTA cake stall together etc for many years. My heart is absolutely breaking for them.

I just don't know how I can help them. I was thinking I would message and offer practical help esp getting DC to school if needed.

Do you think it would be kind to drop off a cool bag with a couple of simple family meals or would that be intrusive?

How sad.

I would just post a sympathy card through the door & mention the offer of taking/collecting DC if they need you to.

Taking a cool bag means they have to interact F2F or send thanks & they may not be up to that. Similarly I’ve read of bereaved people hating everyone giving them flowers as it’s another thing they have to deal with (unwrap, find vase, top up water, dispose of as they die etc) when all they want to do is curl up and weep. What a horrible thing for them to go through.

Thank you. I thought the same about not wanting to see people, although equally I know people say the worst thing is when someone you love dies and all your friends keep their distance. I think I'll maybe offer practical help via a message, then they can let me know if any of it would help at all.

OP I’m in the same boat and have thought about posting on this board for exactly the same advice this week. It’s so difficult to know what would be helpful and how to offer support in a non intrusive way. My daughter was a good friend so I’m trying to support her though her through her grief too. Please feel free to private message me if you want to.

Thank you @FlamingGalar and I'm so sorry to hear that your daughter's friend has died. I know reaching out, even if clumsily, is better than not reaching. I don't feel like I am getting my words right. I'm just so desperately sad for all of them.

Thank you OP. My dd is still very much in shock but dreading her return to school tomorrow, but I know she will be well looked after there. I've been in touch with the family and have let them know I'm there for them and sent a card. I just feel completely heartbroken for them.
I'm so sorry for your loss too.

I think I am well placed to advise on this one. I lost my child to suicide, 2 years ago. As a family we were completely blindsided by what happened. I received flowers and lovely hand written cards which I very much appreciated but on a practical level, what got us through was people bringing shopping, or even better, meals they’d cooked so I didn’t have to. Or people offering to walk the dog/cut grass/do laundry/shopping etc. I was not in a position to do any of these things for at least a month and I will always remember the practical help in those early days, which got us through those dark days.
Whatever you do, don’t ignore this lady when you see her. The vast majority of people I knew didn’t but I remember a couple of people who just pretended they hadn’t seen me. I can’t tell you how much that hurt. I can assure you that by talking about their child you will not upset them more. It’s thinking that people have forgotten your child which hurts.

Thank you so much for sharing Devastated. These past two years must have been so difficult for you and I really appreciate you taking the time to share your experience of those first weeks.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

@DevastatedandDistraught I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. Thank you for taking the time to respond to this thread. Did your friends ask you what help you needed or did they just do things e.g. drop off shopping or meals? I want this family to know that genuinely I am here to do anything that might help them get through the first few weeks, but I know that asking for help or even responding to texts, might be very hard for them.

@user9873249875

Thank you. No one asked me/us they just seemed to know, I suppose. I think I maybe asked a couple of close friends if they would pick me up certain items when they were shopping but by and large they just brought stuff. If you made a lasagne/ chilli/shepherds pie or something that’s just easy to reheat without needing much else with it to make a meal I’m sure that would be gratefully received. Oh and biscuits or a cake are a good idea. If they are anything like us they will have lots of visitors in the early days and it’s handy to have something to have with coffee/tea.
By virtue of you starting this thread you are clearly a kind, thoughtful person and I’m sure whatever you do will be gratefully received by this poor family.

I sadly have more direct experience of this, and certainly for my close family member who has lost their child, and for the rest of our family, every kind and thoughtful act has been appreciated. Meals that can be frozen are a good idea, cards, flowers. The people who sent previously unseen pictures of the child with theirs, the people who wrote, the people who just listened, or said how sorry they were. Ours is a recent loss and the kindness and support of others has been immeasurably helpful.

@SirVixofVixHall I'm so sorry to hear that you have lost someone you love. I'm glad that people have helped you with their kindness.