I’m not ready for my dad to die

[Jinnybean]

My dad (72) is badly ill in hospital. He has heart failure, kidney failure and a lung infection. It’s very touch and go atm. I was allowed to see him today for the first time since he was admitted and while being fed a yogurt he almost choked to death in front of me. Iv never seen such fear in someone’s face. It was horrific and I’m really shook up. I had to go and sob in the bathroom. He doesn’t want to live anymore.
He had a stroke when I was 16 (I’m 31 now) snd my mum died when I was 19.

I’m not ready to be orphaned yet. He’s my hero and I love him so so so much.

I fear I won’t get to see him again. They don’t really know vistors on the ward so no idea how me and my sister got in today or how she’s been going every week on her own. (They would only lllow one and she’s taken it upon herself to be his next of kin).

I feel so emotional and lonely.

Been thinking of you, as been through it. It's very hard and you will have good days and bad days. Try and focus on happy memories, talk to family and people who knew him. Talk to your children about him so it feels like he is still around in a way.
I would be doing OK, then little things like child doing well at football and for a second I'd go to phone him to share then realise I couldn't, so I go somewhere quiet to tell him and it helps. If your DH not sympathetic look here for help www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/feelings-and-symptoms/grief-bereavement-loss/