MIL after losing my mum

[StinkingCold]

My mum never liked my mil. She never told her, just always asked me never to let them meet after our wedding. Put me in a bit of an awkward situation to be honest, but anyway..

My mum could be lovely but was also a bit of a nightmare at times! She was quite abusive when I was a child, but I loved her and always felt sad to see her struggle so much with life. She didn't know how to parent, she didn't really know how to live.

My MIL is very different to my mum. She is rich, loud, brash, rude and has zero understanding of mental health or empathy. The last time I saw her face to face she was really rude about my mum, even though she doesn't know her. She said she "felt sorry" for me having a "mad mother". She hasn't seen my mum in over 10 years so I don't know how she can make such an assertion.

My mum died a couple of weeks ago and I am dreading going to stay with mil over Christmas. She is everything my mum despised - materialistic, rude, and no compassion. While I know my mum did a (very) poor job of parenting, mil knows nothing about my upbringing and it's none of her business either. I just don't want to be around her because no doubt she'll say something completely inappropriate and I don't know how I'm going to feel. Although I have very mixed feelings about my own mum and the way she treated me, I just don't feel like I want to be around my mil who my mother despised.

(Not sure what I'm hoping for from this post!!)

Sorry about losing your mum.

Do you have to go and stay at MIL’s over Christmas?
Does your DH have your back?
Can he be a bit of a buffer?

Sorry for your loss. Perhaps you need some strategies to shut down the conversion or get your DH to speak to her before you arrive? Doesn't have to 100% honest - he could say you're not ready yet to talk about your Mum (true) and could she avoid bringing it into conversation as it upsets you (also true, but not to say why).
Working through grief is hard enough and even more complicated when your relationship with your Mum maybe was difficult at times too.

Having just lost your mum christmas is likely to be a difficult time for you any way. You are fragile and should not be spending time with anyone who struggles with empathy and especially with someone who is likely to be speak out of turn about your mum.

I think it is VERY acceptable to say after the year you have had you need a quiet
Low key relaxing christmas. Either at home or just you and DH abroad/away.

Do not allow yourself to be steamrollered into something you know will be bad for you when you are vulnerable just because its what you have done in the past.

Your DH needs to step up and support you here. It doesnt need to be about avoiding his mum unless you choose to word it that way. It can just be about the sort of christmas you need given your grief.

We kind of do have to go. We have always alternated Christmas between having my family over one year, and visiting the in-laws the other year. It's their turn and sil and her family will be there. My children like spending time with their neice and nephew. I had been looking forward to it prior to mums death. I've always previously taken mil's comments with a pinch of salt and just observed her rather than get caught up in anything. My fil is a good guy and to be fair to mil, she always looks after me materially with food and a cosy bed and I know deep down that's her way of trying to be nice. Her heart is probably in the right place

It's a good suggestion Beamur - I will think about asking DH to ask her not to mention mum. My concern is that she's a bit of a busy body and likes to think she can solve everyone's problems, so she might see his request as an invitation to have a 'talk' with me about how I need to start talking more and offering me advice. (Maybe I'll just spend Christmas drunk and let it all become an oblivion)

Isitweds - I'd love to just go away with DH and my 2 DC, I will think on it. But I know the in-laws (including sil and her children) have been looking forward to this big family gathering for ages and I would feel so mean

(sil is alot like mil, and calls her own mil a "cow", so while I don't mind her and again, she probably has a good heart, I'm not really looking forward to the 2 of them and what they might say about my mum) :(

Sorry op.

I lost my mum one Christmas Day a few years ago. It was quite unexpected as she was quite young.

My in laws are generally alright, but they are a bit insensitive and brash like yours are. I actually stopped seeing them at Christmas 😬. I know people will be all "ah poor mil, never seeing her son and GCs", but actually they go and see them for party food and cup of tea during the day, while I cook dinner for whoever we are seeing, (pretty often just us). So they all get to hang out with each other. I just don't have to be there.

Do what you're comfortable with tbh.

I'd have a year off the first big family Christmas, stay at home quietly, or go away, its going to be harder in a big wider family setting. Talk to your DH, its not unreasonable to have some peaceful time to grieve and not have to be on duty as DIL when you've lost your own mum. Maybe all meet up during the next holidays/Easter or something instead.

Mil has already inadvertently upset me by sending me a at.pathy card which says 'you are probably relived after all the years of your mother's I'll health' (? - she did have some helqth problems, but was planning to be going abroad this week on holiday, so not really an invalid. Plus she was fairly young (younger than mil), and no, I am not relieved. What a thing to write in a sympathy card? Surely 'sorry for your loss' would be more appropriate(?) Card is in bin.

(I know her lack of compassion is not her fault, but I can't handle it well at this time)

Sorry, typos!

Mil has already inadvertently upset me by sending me a sympathy card which says 'you are probably relieved after all the years of your mother's I'll health' (? - she did have some health problems....

Any discussion of your mother and your childhood should be totally off limits - get your DH to stress this. One word and I'd be packing our bags.

My MIL made comments about my mother's death and pressed for details. I found it very difficult.

Yes, that sucks op. What a stupid thing to write in a sympathy card!

My in laws rolled their eyes at me for not wanting to stay out to get pissed with them after my mum died. Like one month after she died . Thing is, when one of them so much as stubs their toe it's drama of the century .

Definitely take a breather from them and explain why to your DH.

Spending Christmas drunk sounds like a plan @StinkingCold 🥂😂

Sorry for your loss the first Christmas/birthdays/anniversaries are always hard. I would be shutting your MIL/SIL down very quickly if they brought your mum up in conversation

*ill health ...

You’re rightly sensitive. And your mil is gettigg N it wrong.

Your dh needs to protect you, give you an out. I wonder if your Christmas present this year would be big headphones and an audible subscription so you CAN take yourself away for some quiet whine things get hectic this Christmas.

Thanks all. I have been feeling really mean for not wanting to go, and a little over sensitive. But maybe it would be ok not to. Alternatively, the headphones and wine option might be the best way forward!

Thank you for your support all

Its absolutely 100% ok not to go. Put yourself first, people will understand and if they don't then you'll know you you're right anyway.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. It sounds like you’re struggling to process your thoughts, as many of us do when a loved one dies unexpectedly.

That card MIL sent you, was shockingly rude. How does your DH respond when MIL says cruel things to you about your mum? Does he ignore it or pull her up on it every time?

I’d only consider visiting if DH can be relied on to take her to task and mute her comments.

I think if he prefers to ignore her horrible digs and minimise them for a quiet life, then definitely don’t go and stay with them this Christmas. Tell MIL and SIL you need time to grieve and don’t let them try to persuade you otherwise.

StinkingCold - I have been in your shoes in the past. My mother in law was a very insensitive person. The hardest thing is being the only one who is grieving and having to be with people who are enjoying Christmas normally when you are feeling terrible inside and so alone. I always felt I had to go along with it and endure these occasions, but I wish now I had spoken up more about my own needs and stayed away. The stress of bereavement and grief is bad enough without the dread of an in law saying something that is going to hurt and distress you, especially in a family when people don't talk about their feelings and are uncomfortable with expressions of grief. You have my sympathy for your loss and I hope that you find a way to cope with this situation that is right for you. As mothers, wives and daughters in law we spend a great deal of time worrying and catering for the needs of others, but at a time of personal loss, what about our own?

So sorry for your loss OP. Of course you feel sensitive and protective towards your mum’s memory, that’s completely natural.

Is your DH onboard with your feelings and happy to stay at home, go on holiday, however best for you to get through it?

If you are already dreading Christmas due to MIL insensitivity can your DH speak to his mum and explain it’s been a upsetting time and you just want a quiet Christmas at home or have alternative plans.

Surely understand the circumstances your MIL will understand your reasons. Good luck OP, dealing with grief isn’t easy I know