Nearly 2 years on & still finding things hard

[W3STY17]

I lost my grandmother suddenly in December 2019.
It was a shock for everyone.
She was like a second mother to me.
I went to her address with the family while the police & ambulances were there.
I was there when the undertakers took her body away.
I went to see her in the chapel of rest before her funeral but it was a month from when she died to her funeral.
I've been suffering with flashbacks ever since.
I'm currently on antidepressants & have had CBT (sessions have now ended).
I found it worked for while but I feel like I've hit a brick wall again.
I know things take time but it's the flashbacks that I'm struggling with.
I lay in bed for hours, all I see is her face in the chapel of rest.
I think about her body in the ground.
I try & revert it to happy memories but I just can't.
I know there's not a lot anyone can say but I just feel so low at the moment.
I don't know what to do with myself.

Keep posting here for support. Would you like to tell us about your grandmother?

@EmeraldDaisy
We had a very close relationship. We spent a lot of time together.
She was always like a second mother to me. She was just so special.
We had such a great bond.
I just can't seen to grasp the fact she was here one minute & gone the next x

It's unfathomable isn't it.
Day to day must still be very difficult when you spent so much time together. 2 years is nothing.
Take care of yourself

@EmeraldDaisy
People say that with time it will be easier, I think it will but I just feel so lost without her.
Thank you for your lovely comments.
It really does mean a lot

I’m sorry, op. That’s really painful, because it still feels so raw, I’m sure.
My Mum died suddenly 4 years ago, while I was away on holiday. She was elderly and lived with us (had familiar carers living in while we were away), but it came as a massive shock. I felt so guilty that I wasn’t with her at the end - still do - and felt compelled to visit her at the undertakers. I wish to God I hadn’t. She looked so different. Not the beautiful, animated face I remembered. Obvious, you might think, but it affected me badly and was an image constantly superimposed over my memories for a long time. It has faded, helped by having a couple of really lovely photographs of her on display, which have become the default images of her in my mind now,

@HunkyPunk
Lots of love to you - I'm sorry for your loss
I just can't get my head around seeing her on the Saturday & she was fine but then on the Thursday she was gone.
She was poorly & the doctors failed to come out to her the night before.
My Dad went to check on her on the Thursday morning but there was no answer so he had to climb through the window & found her on the floor, it was too late she was gone.
I remember the phone call from my Dad. I rushed to my Nans house straight away. I had to be there for him. I remember pulling into the road seeing 2 ambulance & police cars. All my family were there so we were all together.
It was just awful. I remember it all in detail like it was yesterday. Her being carried out by the undertakers & watching the van pulling away with her inside.
I felt like I had to see her at the chapel of rest to know that she was finally at peace. In some ways I'm glad I did it but others I'm not. She didn't look like my Nan. The marks from the post-mortem. It just didn't look like her.
I get the image of her at the chapel of rest a lot. When I close my eyes to go to sleep I see her laying there. It's just horrible.
There is now a photo of me & her on my wedding day in my living room. It makes me smile cause she hated her photo being taken but she's smiling & happy. She looks proud.
I'm sorry for the long reply.
I can't begin to imagine how you feel. Your Mum wouldn't want you to feel guilty that you wasn't there. She knows you would have been if you could.

Thank you so much for your kind words @W3STY17
Losing someone dear is always hard, but your experience sounds very traumatic. The awful circumstances along with the shock for you and your family will be bound to stay with you. I expect there are the ‘what ifs’ about the doctor not coming out, too. I sometimes feel that bereavement can leave you with PTSD, with flashbacks and distressing images. Do you have anywhere you can go and ‘visit’ her - cemetery or crematorium? Are you able to talk about her with your family or others who knew her? They are both things which I do when I need to, which I think helps a little. I’m still working on the guilt, but I still feel like I wish I could have a few last words and a goodbye hug, even now.
Wishing you much love and that the happy memories will eventually push out the awful ones. It sounds like you have a close family, and I’m sure your Nan knew she was loved.

@HunkyPunk
I think your right, it is very traumatic. It's something that'll stay with me.
The doctors have diagnosed me with PTSD.
The CBT I had was helpful & I was okay for a few months but it's just it me like a brick wall again.
There are so many what if's..
Because she was on her own I worry if she was scared or in pain...
It's something I will never know & it's out of my control but I can help thinking them.
I'm lucky to have such a lovely family. We talk about her a lot but it's hard talking about her & her not being here.
I know it's the life cycle & it happens but I just didn't want it to happen, especially it the way it did.
I do go to her cemetery a lot. I take my children with me sometimes. We talk to her, we tell her what's been happening. We go there for her birthday & sing happy birthday to her.
Thank you so much for your nice comments. It does mean a lot when there's someone on here that's nice.

I have a lovely image in my mind of you singing happy birthday to her with your children at the cemetery.
I hope the image of you together on your wedding day continues to comfort you, and that things become more manageable in time.

@EmeraldDaisy
Thank you
My eldest daughter is 8 so she understands a little & my youngest daughter is 6 so she's slightly unsure of what's happened but she knows that Nanny is now an Angel.
Every time the girls see a white feather they say it's a kiss sent from Nanny which warms my heart.
Hopefully with time it will be more manageable

I'm sorry for your loss.

I realise this post is quite old, but if you are still struggling, I recommend seeking out resources and therapy that's specifically trauma-focussed. CBT can be a good general therapy, but its not very helpful for PTSD.