Is it right to feel like this?

[rumrunner123]

Mom passed away very suddenly coming up to 3 years ago.

DSD who I am extremely close to is due to have baby. She is having an C-section and believes the date is either going to be the day of moms passing or the day after. I have asked that if it is the day if they can she request the day after or day before. She doesn't see the issue as she said its good to have something positive to think of on that day instead.

We will be having our DGS on the day for her.

I don't know if I am being over sensitive, I hate my bday as it is 3 days after mom passing and feels like a constant reminder of what we as a family have lost. I know these thigs happen and DSD didn't pick the time LO was due but I just feel overwhelmed that at a time I find really difficult each year, I now have to look after DGS and act like I am fine and then each year celebrate for LO when I hate the time of year.

I am being silly and will this just make it easier as DSD suggests?

Kindly, you are being totally ridiculous.

I think you need to gently let this one go. I’m guessing you had good times with your mother so she wouldn’t want you to remember her with sadness but with joy.

There isn't a right or wrong way to feel in grief but why don't you wait until you know the date for definite then figure out if you feel able to offer childcare?

Sorry for your loss OP
Your feelings are not silly. Your mom’s passing is still quite recent and it is only natural to miss her especially on the day she passed.

However, since you hate your birthday which is 3 days after, then I am not sure that moving the c-section to 1 day after or before would make a difference? The new baby will becoming with a birthday as close if not closer than yours to your mothers last day.

This you do need to have a plan to deal with in future, because the child wont deserve to have to deal with sadness and loss on/near their birthday. I’d also think you don’t deserve to hate your birthday as well! Maybe set aside a quiet hour in the morning to commemorate your mum, and then give yourself permission to not dwell on it.

I'm sorry to say it, but you can't ask the NHS to reschedule a Csection to suit you. The birth will be timed to suit the mother & the hospital, no one else.

you can't hold one day as a day of grief for ever, where nothing else can happen. It is a sad day for you but if it is also a birthday for a relative, then so be it. happiness and sadness and fond memories can all mix together.

You are being silly. Sorry

This you do need to have a plan to deal with in future, because the child wont deserve to have to deal with sadness and loss on/near their birthday

I think this is what is worrying me, I don't want him to start life with me being negative, I know sensibly that the day is just like any other tbh and dsd was very close to my mom (been her SM since she was 4 and she is now 22), was at the hospital when she passed and is very supportive and generally just lovely.

I know she needs me to be ok as she suffered terrible PTSD after DGS 1 birth and she wants me to be injecting's her daily again once she gets out after this one.

I do think I build myself to the day rather than the day itself being terrible IYSWIM. So already I am dreading next month and feel annoyed with myself because it should be a happy time with a new DGS.

So any practical ideas/plans on how you change the mindset?

FWIW my mom was all about family and would be kicking my backside if she thought for one minute that I was taking the shine off a new DGS coming into the world so I know I am being silly, I jsut don't know how to stop.

The only idea I have is to set aside a specific time to commemorate your mother. A quiet hour in the morning looking at photos. Going to a place of worship. Lighting a candle or doing some incense. Going for a walk to a favourite place of hers. Writing her a letter.

Start a ritual or tradition where you commemorate and remember, doing this puts a start and stop on things. So you feel that you’re doing right by your mum, but it also puts it within bounds. So when you start to think about her on he build up, you can tell yourself it’s ok, I will be doing x for my mum on such and such day. This allows your mind to let go until then. Then after you’ve done the commemoration, you will also feel more at ease and less likely to still be dwelling on sadness because you’ve done something meaningful for the memory of your mum.

Thanks Plan, maybe having a ritual may actually help feel like I am remembering her in a good way.

I do hate the way I feel and whilst DH is supportive he has never had anyone close die so I feel like I am ruining my birthday for him every year as well as I know he wants me to do nice tings but worries about what I am going to be like. I don't want that to pass on to our new grandchild.

I know the build up is definitely worse I think than the day itself. It's hard because she wasn't religious or anything and ironically wanted to be cremated because "I can't stand the thought of your sister crying over my grave everyday" was her attitude. She would not be impressed with me as I was meant to be the practical one.

She loved walks and all things national trust, maybe knowing I am getting up and going for walk will help me feel like I can remember her without upsetting everyone else and not too intrusive on new baby's bday over the years.

@bloodywhitecat

There isn't a right or wrong way to feel in grief but why don't you wait until you know the date for definite then figure out if you feel able to offer childcare?

There is nobody else to have him if I don't, he has disabilities and there is no other family members that DSD would allow to have him or would be equipped to deal with his needs.

Maybe having him will force me to just get on and if it is the same day I can take him on walk with me, he loves trees so we can go and see some together. She loved Alstroemeria so after plans post I think now I may go and get some and go on a nice walk and lay some by tree and just have a sit and think this year and then look at national trust ideas for future.

I don't know I didn't think of doing something like that before, I think I just get so focused on the day looming that it overshadows everything else.

Sorry to be blunt, but you really need to give yourself a stern talking-to. You have to stop letting the past get in the way of the future. I know what I'm talking about. I've been there, got the t-shirt:

My dad died on my parents' wedding anniversary.
My mum died on my birthday.
A distant cousin of mine died on my wedding day.
My ds was born on the anniversary of my dad's death.

All those dates are meaningful for me, but I can't allow the sadness of missing them affect my whole life, can I? Otherwise I'd never be able to have a happy birthday, enjoy my own wedding anniversary or my dc's birthday, would I?

What really did it for me was a work colleague saying to me a few days after DM died, "Oh, you'll never be able to have a happy birthday ever again, will you?". Cheers, thanks a bunch for that. I was determined to prove her wrong, and that's what you have to do too.

@waybill

Sorry to be blunt, but you really need to give yourself a stern talking-to. You have to stop letting the past get in the way of the future. I know what I'm talking about. I've been there, got the t-shirt:

My dad died on my parents' wedding anniversary.
My mum died on my birthday.
A distant cousin of mine died on my wedding day.
My ds was born on the anniversary of my dad's death.

All those dates are meaningful for me, but I can't allow the sadness of missing them affect my whole life, can I? Otherwise I'd never be able to have a happy birthday, enjoy my own wedding anniversary or my dc's birthday, would I?

What really did it for me was a work colleague saying to me a few days after DM died, "Oh, you'll never be able to have a happy birthday ever again, will you?". Cheers, thanks a bunch for that. I was determined to prove her wrong, and that's what you have to do too.

I don't mind blunt, that's why I probably posted on MN.

I love my mom, I still talk to her in passing when angry or sad and I know she was not by any means perfect but remember the happy times as well throughout the year. She was 62 and died on DSis hen party morning of a heart attack.

I'm 46 now, this will baby DGC number 3 for me and I know she would be happy for me and I really want to be able to move forward and be able to celebrate her life and all the good family values, morals and sense of self worth she instilled in us but I just get this sense of panic coming up to the date, I don't know why.

I know sensibly that people lose people and I know that one day, I will be gone and I would not want anyone to stay like this over me.

BUT you are right, I have so much good and I want that to be the focus, I know she would want that to be the focus. Family and friends are bound to me a bit more wishy washy about it but you can always rely on the bluntness of MN.

I like the thought of a little walk and happy memories, that will stop the rising panic I hope and then I can maybe just focus on the good stuff.

Thank you for sharing, it honestly helps me get things into perspective.

She loved Alstroemeria so after plans post I think now I may go and get some and go on a nice walk and lay some by tree and just have a sit and think this year and then look at national trust ideas for future.

I think this is a lovely idea. I do hope it helps you. I do similar for my mum and dad. As I said, three years is still relatively recent so you are not unreasonable as you can’t hurry grief. Wish you well.

Thank you Plan, you really have been a great help. I have looked it up and you can buy the plants and they are easy to grow so I think I am going to go to garden centre and plant some in one of my borders. This year I will get some cut ones to place but then next year should be able to take some out of my garden.

It really has been nice having something nice to think and plan for the day regardless of what else is going on, I really appreciate it, thank you again.

I bet your mum would LOVE the thought of her great-grandchild being born on her anniversary, it's the cycle of life and one of the things that keeps older people cheerful is knowing that their family is carrying on and new life is happening.

Really glad you have a plan for a "ritual" to grieve and commemorate your mum, and then in future all being well you will be able to talk to your mum on that day about the grandchildren and the party and how everyone is doing. Sorry if that sounds silly.