Bereaved and alone but feeling very jealous of others' happiness

[PicaresquePauline]

It's about two and a half years since I lost my dearest partner to a sudden heart attack. So now I'm alone and mostly not unhappy in my own company - I've kept myself very busy during the pandemic, working at home and in my big garden.

What I find incredibly difficult is the thought of going away - I don't really want to go on holiday alone and I can't bear the thought of trying to enjoy a holiday with other family members or friends. Relaxing days off and holidays with my partner were absolutely perfect. I adored those times with him.

But now this 'problem' means I've not been away anywhere in almost 3 years, despite feeling I need to get away for a change of scene and a different perspective - and in addition I find myself feeling incredibly jealous of friends and family as they go off and spend wonderful holidays together. I don't want to be with them. I want to be with my partner. Every image and report of happy friends and family seems to cut deep - I just want to shut myself away and not hear about other people enjoying themselves. I don't want to see any more happy pictures of people on holiday with their loved ones.

Has anyone else who has been bereaved felt like this? I feel so negative and guilty for not wanting to share others' happiness.

I am sorry for you loss, my experience is different as it was an unwanted divorce from my side but I travelled with companies like explore or exodus by myself going interesting places at first. Met some really nice people mostly travelling alone of many ages and as you are new acquaintances felt I didn't have to reveal too much. Also there was always time to sneak away for a little cry
I hope you find a way to heal and travel. Travel and holidays are so important to emotional well-being.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Have you thought about what your partner would want for you now that he is gone? He wouldn’t want you to be lonely. Three years have passed so maybe it’s time to find companionship and maybe more. Don’t feel guilty about the thought of moving on. You only have one life so live it well and share it again.

It is difficult and l am sorry for your loss.
Maybe just try a short break on your own, or with a friend, you may be surprised that you enjoy it more than you think.
Sometimes l force myself to things that l really don't feel like doing, and it's never as bad as it seems. It's easy to avoid doing something different because you feel out of your comfort zone. Even if it just a weekend away, not too far from home, it will do you good.
I would also think about different ways to connect with other people, my friend has just taken on an allotment and they seem a very friendly, helpful bunch, same with a cycling, walking, or yoga group.
Online dating can be abit hit and miss, but there are many widowers looking for companionship, even if just meeting up for a coffee. I look at is more as making new friends rather than trying to find my happy ever after, it takes the pressure off.
I wish you luck.

Hi OP,

Its fine to feel upset/jealous you had those future fun opportunities with your DP stolen from you.

In a similar situation to you, my DH of 23 years died earlier this year. He worked away a lot so like you the one thing we really loved was our holidays. Pre-Covid, we had a joint tropical scuba-diving obsession.

With the bereavement and Covid hassle I don't overly feel like going anywhere. I can't face scuba diving without my scuba buddy.

But I think mentally I need to go somewhere. So I've booked one of those everything organised for you Exodus activity holidays next month. They seem to have every minute planned which will be good as I tend to spiral down with too much free time and I will be too tired from the acitivty not to sleep. Its going somewhere I hadn't been with DH which will help.

I'll report back next month if it worked or not! Hugs to you and hope you find the right path forward for you.

@porites

Hi OP,

Its fine to feel upset/jealous you had those future fun opportunities with your DP stolen from you.

In a similar situation to you, my DH of 23 years died earlier this year. He worked away a lot so like you the one thing we really loved was our holidays. Pre-Covid, we had a joint tropical scuba-diving obsession.

With the bereavement and Covid hassle I don't overly feel like going anywhere. I can't face scuba diving without my scuba buddy.

But I think mentally I need to go somewhere. So I've booked one of those everything organised for you Exodus activity holidays next month. They seem to have every minute planned which will be good as I tend to spiral down with too much free time and I will be too tired from the acitivty not to sleep. Its going somewhere I hadn't been with DH which will help.

I'll report back next month if it worked or not! Hugs to you and hope you find the right path forward for you.

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. Losing your DH of 23 years must be very very hard.

I completely understand why you wouldn't want to go scuba diving without your DH - I feel that nobody but my partner can be the fabulous companion on holidays and weekend breaks that we had together.

Do report back on how the Exodus holiday goes!

@Moonface123

It is difficult and l am sorry for your loss. Maybe just try a short break on your own, or with a friend, you may be surprised that you enjoy it more than you think. Sometimes l force myself to things that l really don't feel like doing, and it's never as bad as it seems. It's easy to avoid doing something different because you feel out of your comfort zone. Even if it just a weekend away, not too far from home, it will do you good. I would also think about different ways to connect with other people, my friend has just taken on an allotment and they seem a very friendly, helpful bunch, same with a cycling, walking, or yoga group. Online dating can be abit hit and miss, but there are many widowers looking for companionship, even if just meeting up for a coffee. I look at is more as making new friends rather than trying to find my happy ever after, it takes the pressure off. I wish you luck.

Thanks, Moonface123, there are very helpful comments.

I sort of understand what your feeling.
When my dd died, she was 23. I have a large family and my dd was brought up with lots of cousins the same age.
My niece got married 2 years after dd died. She kindly involved me in the arrangements and invited me to see her dress along with her mum.
It was bloody awful the whole time I kept thinking dd will never have this. At the wedding, all my nieces and nephews(21) had a group photo taken. I'm ashamed to say I ripped my copy up.
It's 6 years now and I'm happy to say I'm extremely close to my niece and her children. They're all having children of their own now and sometimes I still have moments of sadness but mostly I'm just happy for them and a babysitter😂

I felt like this too, after the sudden and tragic loss of my Dad (also an out-of-the blue heart attack). Jealousy of others' happy experiences and irritation when other people complained about petty things (such as "I had a blazing row with my Dad yesterday - he lost his glasses AGAIN!!" Me thinking "really? I'd love to have that problem." and then being unreasonably cross).

Everyone's grief is different and comes out in many differing ways. But the jealousy thing, coupled with the aversion to going out/holidays alone or with others is very familiar to me. You are by no means alone in this and you have absolutely nothing - NOTHING - to feel guilty about. Honestly.

It's still early days (but then, how much time is ever really enough?) to be getting your head around everything. Please don't be concerned about things you feel (or that others imply) you "should" be doing or be able to cope with. There are no hard and fast rules about these things and there is no "should" in grief. If it's right in terms of time and the way you feel, you will be able to engage in some of the things you used to do. But sometimes things don't work out that way, and that's OK too. There are also lots of well-meaning people who want to try and include you in things and who are hard to say no to. And sometimes, with the best intent, they can put pressure on you. But it's OK to not want to join in with them and it's OK to say no. You need to allow yourself the time and peace to grieve, however long that may take, and not feel in any way bad or guilty about it. This is your grief, and not theirs.

It's a rotten and cruel situation to find yourself in. I am so sorry for the loss of your partner. I sincerely wish you the best for the future. xx

@ParkheadParadise

I sort of understand what your feeling. When my dd died, she was 23. I have a large family and my dd was brought up with lots of cousins the same age. My niece got married 2 years after dd died. She kindly involved me in the arrangements and invited me to see her dress along with her mum. It was bloody awful the whole time I kept thinking dd will never have this. At the wedding, all my nieces and nephews(21) had a group photo taken. I'm ashamed to say I ripped my copy up. It's 6 years now and I'm happy to say I'm extremely close to my niece and her children. They're all having children of their own now and sometimes I still have moments of sadness but mostly I'm just happy for them and a babysitter😂

I'm so sorry for the loss of your DD at just 23 years of age. That must be unimaginably painful.

I can see that your feelings about your niece's wedding and the group photo of all the cousins, without your DD in it, must have torn you apart with a kind of jealousy (although you don't use that word) a bit like mine. An unexpected bereavement robs you of not only the person him/herself but also all the experiences you thought you would share with them.

I'm glad to hear your feelings at the time of the wedding didn't ruin your relationship with your niece. Thanks so much for posting.

@REP22

I felt like this too, after the sudden and tragic loss of my Dad (also an out-of-the blue heart attack). Jealousy of others' happy experiences and irritation when other people complained about petty things (such as "I had a blazing row with my Dad yesterday - he lost his glasses AGAIN!!" Me thinking "really? I'd love to have that problem." and then being unreasonably cross).

Everyone's grief is different and comes out in many differing ways. But the jealousy thing, coupled with the aversion to going out/holidays alone or with others is very familiar to me. You are by no means alone in this and you have absolutely nothing - NOTHING - to feel guilty about. Honestly.

It's still early days (but then, how much time is ever really enough?) to be getting your head around everything. Please don't be concerned about things you feel (or that others imply) you "should" be doing or be able to cope with. There are no hard and fast rules about these things and there is no "should" in grief. If it's right in terms of time and the way you feel, you will be able to engage in some of the things you used to do. But sometimes things don't work out that way, and that's OK too. There are also lots of well-meaning people who want to try and include you in things and who are hard to say no to. And sometimes, with the best intent, they can put pressure on you. But it's OK to not want to join in with them and it's OK to say no. You need to allow yourself the time and peace to grieve, however long that may take, and not feel in any way bad or guilty about it. This is your grief, and not theirs.

It's a rotten and cruel situation to find yourself in. I am so sorry for the loss of your partner. I sincerely wish you the best for the future. xx

Thanks so much, this is a lovely message.

To be honest nobody is implying I should do anything or trying to involve me - for which I'm extremely thankful. I just need a holiday break and can't get past the memories of my perfect holidays with my partner. We didn't go anywhere very special but we hung out together and found delight in the same things. I can't imagine ever finding someone else I simply enjoy being with as much as with him... so I can't imagine how I will enjoy a weekend away or a holiday again. And every couple or family I know that has a lovely time together just seems to rub salt in the wound.

I lost my husband of 30 years nearly four years ago. I went on holiday on my own earlier this year and was thoroughly miserable.
Feeling jealous is normal. I can’t decide if I am jealous or just yearning for the life I expected to have. My DH was 53 when he was killed. I was 52. I really miss the “gentle” companionship we had, and holidays seem to trigger my grief.
I am desperate for another break away, so will try again in a few weeks.

@Iwant2move

I lost my husband of 30 years nearly four years ago. I went on holiday on my own earlier this year and was thoroughly miserable. Feeling jealous is normal. I can’t decide if I am jealous or just yearning for the life I expected to have. My DH was 53 when he was killed. I was 52. I really miss the “gentle” companionship we had, and holidays seem to trigger my grief. I am desperate for another break away, so will try again in a few weeks.

Thanks for posting - I'm so sorry you lost your husband of 30 years, it must feel like you've lost a part of yourself.

It is my partner's gentle companionship that I miss too. Being with him was so easy and so relaxing. Sharing walks and picnics and exploring places with him - anywhere - seemed to be perfection.

So it sounds like you experienced what I fear when you went on holiday on your own - I am so sorry. I know I will have to start to find joy and pleasure with one or more others at some point - I hope you do that too. You're about the same age as me.

Just wanted to echo other posters on how good Exodus are for solo women travellers (or any, but particularly women). I’m not bereaved (well, not by a partner) but had a period of 15 years when all my friends were couples up and having babies. My parents had died, and I just had nobody to go away with. I plucked up the courage to go away with a company called Explore and went around the Greek islands for a week on a caique. It was the best thing - really diverse small group of people and all very welcoming.

Since then I’ve been cycling in France twice, along with Morocco, Jordan, trekking in Nepal, and an overland from Delhi to Kathmandu. Try a short one - a bit of sun and a change of scene will do you good.

If you are interested in walking, why not try a group walking holiday?

I go with a company called HF holidays, but there are others - a colleague uses a company called secret hills.

HF manage a number of fully-catered country houses around the country, and run primarily walking holidays from them (but also some special interest breaks too). They do 3 - 7 nights, with 3 levels of walks each day, run by experienced guides. They have an excellent website.

I am not widowed but have been on a few now and always met lovely people. Some couples, but many singles of all ages and lots stay in touch.

Widowed very suddenly 15 years ago.

Prior to his accident my DH and I travelled widely, often for months at a time.

When he died I was incredibly sad at the thought of never having those experiences again and could never imagine doing so without him.

My first few trips were lonely. I tried it all. UK trips, photography trips, city breaks etc.

Then I joined Meetup. Started walking with a number of their walking groups and met some interesting people, also alone and very happy to share days out etc.

Several years in I met someone equally desperate to travel.

We are not a couple but over the years have become great friends. We go away several times a year, taking it in turns to choose the location and if one bedroom is slight less attractive, smaller etc taking it in turns to have that room.

It works for us and we have had some amazing trips.

So please don’t feel negative about your situation. It is still very early days and you have no idea what opportunities may pass your way in the future.

Try Meetup or a social group attached to any hobbies you may have. There are many people out there, also longing for a holiday companion and who knows when you might meet them !!