What could I have done differently?

[Findingthelight1]

About a year ago I came on here to ask for advice about my sister. She was overweight and at that point had just tipped into the morbidly obese bracket. I was really worried about her weight gain and her health, not least with the increased risk due to Covid.

I was told to mind my own business, that her weight was her own problem, that if she was happy with her size then I shouldn't interfere.

Anyway. She died three weeks ago, cause of death being morbid obesity. I'm broken. I loved her so much and the pain of missing her is indescribable. I could and should have done more to save her.

I guess we never really understood that morbid obesity meant just that - increased risk of death. I didn't think her weight would kill her. But it did.

How do I get through this, knowing their was more I could and should have done?

Oh my dear, I’m so sorry. That is heartbreaking.

I think it’s normal when we lose someone we love to ask if there’s anything we could have done but morbid obesity is a major health problem, well beyond your control or capability. I’m assuming doctors must have spoken to her about it, and she might have been offered some surgical options? It really was between her and the medical professionals.

There is absolutely nothing you could have done.

You have to believe that.

Your sister didn't blame you for her size, did she?

Neither should you.

I just think if I'd at least tried to make her see the doctor to talk about her weight, or helped her get into a gym or exercise routine, it might have done something to help.
As it was, obesity is so normalised that she didn't seem to really think her weight was dangerous. Until it was far too late.

I don’t think you could have done anything and if you had tried, you might just have alienated her or made her feel worse.
I think you were a good sister and made her life better, which is all you could do

Obesity is a complicated, chronic disease with physical, mental and social factors overlapping. It isn’t easily treated or overcome.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP, that’s truly heartbreaking. Desperately sad.

The truth is there is nothing you can do for someone who will not or cannot (for whatever reason) face a difficult / serious issue in their own life. Just as we cannot force an alcoholic to seek help, you couldn’t have stopped your dear sister making the choices she was making.

You’re very deep in grief right now and these questions and thoughts are very common. It’s only natural to think “what if”.

Have you considered grief counselling? I had it after a traumatic loss and it was very helpful at addressing these types of intrusive and repetitive thoughts. Perhaps not for now OP but something to think about?

I’m sorry for your loss. At the size she’d have been to be considered morbidly obese, there is no way she would have been unaware her health was affected. Sadly there isn’t the support out there nor the challenge from health care professionals to urge people to lose weight.
I can’t believe that such a thing as a Global pandemic which impacts more on obese people than those with a healthy BMI hasn’t been reason enough for a government campaign to help people make healthier food and lifestyle choices.
It’s very sad but you are not to blame.

At the size she’d have been to be considered morbidly obese, there is no way she would have been unaware her health was affected.

I'm sure you're right. She was more than 20st. But the strange thing is, she didn't particularly stand out as being huge. She wasn't the biggest in her friendship group or among her colleagues. She dressed well and was very good at carrying herself with confidence.

I'm considering counselling @Ohpulltheotherone - I'm hoping it will help me unpick the guilt and sense of missed opportunities, even if it won't take the grief and pain away.

One of the things I found worrying while she was alive, @rainallnight , is that doctors didn't speak to her about it. Not really. I know Covid impacted on care over the last year, but I wonder if they were also unwilling to upset her or have that difficult conversation.

You see lots of threads on here with people complaining their doctor blames their weight for everything. But with my sister it was different. She claims that, whenever she had to go for an appointment, they barely mentioned her size. Maybe things could have been different if they did.

@Findingthelight1

I just think if I'd at least tried to make her see the doctor to talk about her weight, or helped her get into a gym or exercise routine, it might have done something to help. As it was, obesity is so normalised that she didn't seem to really think her weight was dangerous. Until it was far too late.

I am sorry for your loss. It’s very unlikely that any of those things would have worked and it’s very unlikely you could have done anything at all. The only thing you might have achieved was to be feeling a bit less guilty now but you really shouldn’t as none of it was your fault

Thank you @Hoppinggreen . I'm really struggling and it does help to hear it wasn't my fault. Although I can't shake the thought that, somehow, it was - not just the fault of me and the fact I failed to act until it was too late, but of a society where being the size she was isn't seen as urgent thing to address.
I see so many threads on here where people are told to be proud of their curves and it makes me despair.
As I said upthread, I don't think anyone in my sister's life had really grasped that morbid obesity meant she might die. Not really.

The thing is OP, no matter who said what or how many people spelled out that obesity is a health risk, it would be unlikely to have made any difference.
I speak as someone who has been your sister’s size. Much lighter now but still obese.

She knew. And all that would have been achieved by saying anything is making her feel ashamed, and responsible for her own health issues because she couldn’t manage to do anything about it. These feelings make people eat more not less. The psychological and physical aspects of obesity are incredibly complex. Telling someone ‘you need to lose weight or you could die’ isn’t going to fix it unfortunately.

So sorry for your loss. I have a brother and a step daughter, both morbidly obese. One is in denial and ignores the doctor, the other doesn’t think it a problem because her doctor suggests her health issues are related to her asthma.

Both are emotional eaters. Both wouldn’t even know where to start. One yo-yod on weight watchers before giving up.

I’m sure that if there was genuinely a will to relieve the horrendous pressures put upon the health service by obesity, it could be done. But there isn’t, and honestly, staying a healthy weight and exercising regularly is hard and requires more commitment than comfort eating, so it’s easy for people to follow the path of least resistance and denial of risk. We also live in a country where obesity is normal as any walk down any high street will prove.

So I really don’t think there is anything you could have done differently. Please try not to blame yourself or your sister.

Thank you everyone. It does help to hear that I couldn't have changed things. I'm just so very, very, sad.

So sorry for your loss.

As others have said, I too think that there’s only one person that can be held responsible for the decisions they make. In this case you’d sister.

She absolutely would have known she was unhealthily over weight. She chose to minimise it because she didn’t want to change. She did the things that made her happy, eating or drinking things that were high in calories or just had too much of them as she liked them and consciously made that choice.

She would 100% not want you to feel guilty for not doing more. If you’d have tried you would have made her miserable and there would have been arguing and distancing and it would have been horrible.

The person has to make their own choice. Be they addicted to drugs alcohol or food.

So sorry for your loss and glad you are getting counselling.