How to move on without funeral

[kitkatsky]

Long story short, I lost a very close friend almost a year ago to suicide. His funeral was held in a big city 200 miles from me and as it was the height of covid and I was second trimester pregnant I had to make the decision not to go, even though I definitely would have been allowed under the 30 limit if I hadn't declined. I know I made the right decision for me and my baby (and there was a covid case notified a week later so it wasn't a hypothetical risk...) but my baby has obviously now been born and i'm having so many dreams about my friend and crying lots because I can finally deal with the loss and I realise I never had the chance to deal with it. He was cremated and ashes scattered so nowhere to go to grieve so to speak bit I need some way to let go if that makes sense. Anyone else in a similar position with a suggestion?

I haven’t been through it, but wanted to give you

I think my suggestion would be to write to your friend. Either write letters and keep them in a box, or write in a journal.

That seems like it might be a good way to start processing your grief.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I lost a family member last year during covid. I did attend the cremation, but it definitely wasn't the ceremony they deserved. I found it very hard to move on. So I get it OP. You've probably been so focused on your baby that it's only now you have time to focus on and feel your grief.

What made it harder for me was not being around family thanks to lockdown etc. Have you been able to reach out to others who knew your friend to talk about and share your grief and good memories?

I had counselling through work in the end which helped. I suppose if you just wanted to talk to someone there is the samaritans.

We don't have a final resting place as such. But we know where the ashes were spread and I have gone there as a way of visiting/being with them. You can also make your own place that is special/important to you. I always like to go to the sea when I feel sad about my grief.

My mum died during peak covid restrictions.

We weren’t allowed a funeral, only a graveside 20 minute service with a maximum of 5 people.

It sounds bizarre, but it was absolutely fine. She’d have hated a fuss. It has really made me think about direct cremation for myself and not having a funeral at all. The handful of funerals I have been to have been an ordeal and not remotely cathartic.

Do we need to get ourselves out of the mindset of a traditional funeral being the means to say goodbye? I think so. Think of your friend. Memorialise him in your own way.

Can you go somewhere you and he spent time, take a photo of him with you, remember the good times with him. Thank him for his friendship. If you're near the beach or a lake, scatter some flowers and say goodbye.

you need to separate out the two things. The funeral and grieving are two different things. My step dad died recently. I was there with him and my mother when he died , There was no funeral or anything at all. My kids and dh who weren't there found it a bit odd - used to Irish funerals - but they all processed the loss and are grieving him as am I

Funerals give the deceased a good (or bad) send off. they don't solve grief.

You need to just feel sad about the loss of your friend Recognise how conflicted you may feel about his death being by suicide. Accept that you will always miss him but it will get easier. Honestly, being at hisfuneral wouldn't have made much difference to your feelings.

And sorry for your loss.

My Nan donated her body to science so there was no funeral, but we did hold a memorial service and I found it really helpful to spend some time commemorating her. Could you consider maybe planning something with other friends of his on an appropriate date, to get together and remember him? Ritual is important- even just a night at the pub raising a glass to him might really help you all. You might also consider something like planting a tree in his name, and then you can go back to see the tree. There are forests around the country where this can be done. Again, sorry for your loss.

We’ve just had a memorial service for my FIL as his partner felt he / she wasn’t able to have the funeral he would have wanted. We had a vicar known by him bury the ashes and there was a few words spoken followed by a wake with 60 odd people who were not able to attend the funeral last summer. This was the ritual that his partner wanted - to talk to everyone and reminisce about how he was. What ritual do you want to undertake… you could go and light a candle at church or write him a letter in which you express your feelings for him. You could also meet up with his friends / family and have a special meal / tea for him. Dig out some lovely photos and talk through your memories of him.

Spookily cross post with tinselvestsparklepants