Sudden wave of grief 3.5 years later

[Gakatsbsk]

My grandma died 3.5 years ago. She was 90 and it wasn’t an unexpected death, although kind of sudden in the end.

She was an Irish immigrant to England and probably the family member I got on best with the best and tbh my favourite family member.

She wasn’t necessarily outwardly affectionate / loving but she was sharp, witty, took no bullshit and had a fantastic sense of humour. She had severe pain and yet refused strong painkillers. She fought and struggled throughout her life.

I was away at university and in my first year when she died and despite not knowing she was on her death bed awoke with a jolt at the moment she died and knew she had died.

I haven’t lived in my hometown for 4 years, and live quite far away from my family. I think the home sickness doesn’t help. I also feel more connected to her as we’ve both moved quite big distances (although She had a much harder time than me)

A recent death of another member of the Irish community in our area (who was very nice but I didn’t know at all well) has triggered such a wave of grief about my grandma that I’m a bit overwhelmed.

I do feel some sort of continued connection to her.

But I’m here very sad and listening to her funeral hymns and old Irish songs.

I had a horrible time in my first newly qualified post and although my mother was fantastic I really wished I could’ve spoken to my grandma.

What a funny thing grief is

I can take to this and I'm sure you're not alone especially when when you say you feel like you have reconnected with someone who died years ago. It's 2am and I'll reply tomorrow as I have a small anecdote to share. I feel happy to have reconnected - it's been part of opening up to my own feelings about being people sand reflecting on who was important - I've found a great gift in the process of reflecting on people I knew, relatives who died, people who made a difference to my life when I was younger - I didn't really stop to appreciate it when I was a bit younger. Anyway... I'll come back to this - I need to sleep.

Uugh - being = other!

I can take to this = I can relate to this...BTW!

I don't know if it's so simple - pinning it on grief - when I was away at uni and when my kids were away at uni - you lose touch with so many things going on at home and partly because you are so focused on your own life and where you are headed. As you get further long in your own life - maybe more settled - even if it is early days in a job or career - or in a relationship or further along - in your own home, married with kids etc - I think maybe you have more time to think, to reflect, maybe become more open to thinking about what's really important in life - think about your upbringing, family life, relationships with parents etc. My parents were too wrapped up in their own personal relationship dramas to be good parents - really they were hopeless. They used to dump me and my sisters off at my nan's during the 6 week summer holidays - God knows why or what they did - my nan was always having to apologise when telling us why they were able to come and see us when they said they would. My nan was always great with us - kept us busy, tried to tire use out, made the effort to take us on long walks, picking blackberries, making jam and cakes - things my parents never did - I always knew my nan was an important person in my life who shaped many of my interests and views - even about how to parent - and as for my parents - I never felt bitter about it - they were what they were - I've not let it affect me - I've just got on with my own life. My mum died in 2007, just as I started teaching - I was visiting her one night after school - I wasn't expecting her to die when I visited - she was very ill (COPD, looked like a starving child from a concentration camp - cheers mum - great memories) and had been ill for decades - all smoking related. I didn't feel anything at the time - just relief that her struggle was over; honestly it never affected or upset me and I don't feel any different now. It was 2014 - the year one of my daughters became very ill - that I had a really lovely dream about my mother and I rarely dream - as I have a poor sleep pattern - I've never slept very much - I always say I do all my dreaming during the day and there is a bit of truth in that - I barely used to think about my mum TBH so a dream was a very odd occurrence - in the dream she looked happy and healthy and I remembered some of her good qualities - I ended up writing a song about it in a couple of days after the dream - the whole thing was so strange - it's never happened before or since. Probably from that time on I stated to feel slightly differently about her - more positively. I tend now not to think too much about why this slight opening of my heart happened - it has happened on other, perhaps similar ways, a couple of times since - sudden death of a friend/work colleague from a brain tumour, a neighbour with cancer, death of my aunt last year, my daughters illness - I've seen these as opportunities to reflect and to do something positive with the feelings - I have written other songs and - with my aunt - who I didn't make enough effort for (she lived 6 hours drive away, never married) - I've built some new friendships with people that knew her well during her life - I've also, for the first time, taken an interest in my family history - mainly because I found a couple of suitcases in my aunts loft full of old photographs, letters, postcards, birth/marriage and death certificates, wills, newspaper cuttings and other legal documents - many kept my by nan - I now feel quite close to my aunt and my nan as a result of starting to understand their lives better and discovered things I knew nothing about - my nan was given away from one sister to another - the photographs of my nan from the early 20's and 30's are very atmospheric - I am the last person to be misty eyed about the past - but I'm lucky - I have a lot of interesting information that helps me piece together that side of my family. I'd try to re-frame what you are describing as grief and view this as a change in yourself - a positive one that you may be able to do something with - I've put it into artistic things (music, writing, painting) and in to the family tree and making friends, getting to know my aunts friends and neighbours, making time for my neighbours and other people - it could be a good thing.