I don't know how to deal with this

[clpsmum]

My dad died almost a month ago now. It's not been easy as I live away from my family. He was in hospital but not for one minute did I think he'd die I was led to believe he was getting better. I don't think I've really processed it properly yet tbh. I'm really struggling because I was told he was going to die on the morning that he died . I obviously went racing down but didn't make it in time, what I'm struggling with is that my mum knew the day before and didn't tell me. If she had I could have been there and seen him. I don't want to say anything to her as obviously she is grieving and I don't want to make her feel worse but I can't quite get my head around it and I feel like it's stopping me dealing with his death properly

I don't actually know what answers I am expecting I just feel so alone and irrelevant

I'm so sorry for your loss,
I'm sorry if this is long but I've been really struggling with similar .
I lost my brother in January was so unexpected , there was nothing they could do , when they took him off the monitors we were told we could see him, he was still hooked up to all sorts and to see him that way was heartbreaking, was told they will be putting him in a room where it was more comfortable with non of the tubes etc ,I nipped home for a bit as it was my DD birthday so had tea etc. I was hoping he would hang on so I could be there with him, and see him without all the monitors ,tubes etc. My DM phoned to go back up to the hospital to sit and wait ,which of course I wanted , we went back up, the hospital was locked up etc and the staff didn't know why we were there so we had to explain,that we were allowed back in because of the situation, so they unlocked the doors for us, when we got to the room my brother had already passed, he must of just gone as he was still warm and it was only 20 mins after the phone call to go back up , he was still alive when my dm, left. I feel terrible I should of stayed and not gone home , I should have gone up sooner, if they let us back in without a million questions, I might have made it in time. I never really got to say goodbye and see his last breaths, he looked so pieceful alot different to what he looked that afternoon.
Then when we went to the chapel of rest to visit him we didn't know if my other db would be coming up to see him, so I went with my mum and put things in with him, then the next day my mum text to say they had been to see my db again as my other db had decided to come up. I was a little hurt because I would of liked to have gone one last time to see him , and I didn't think my dm was up to going again and I didn't want to mention incase it upset her the more. But I should of asked . When I mentioned I would of like to have gone to see him, she said oh no, it was worse than when we went as it was definalty the last time we would ever see him again.
I should of gone by myself , there was no stopping me so it's not really anyone's fault but I'd would of liked us all to be there one last final time.
I think in grief no one is thinking straight and are just trying to get through each second at a time. I know I sound selfish for having the feelings I do, but nothing can change it now ,it's done.
I haven't any advice on how to deal with any of it, but your not alone.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.

While every death is different, I believe I can understand a little of how conflicted you feel - I suffered a very similar situation three months ago. My mother knew all of my dad's day-to-day, cumulative ailments but didn't me the whole story - that, together, these conditions meant we likely wouldn't have him much longer. In her own way, I believe she was trying her hardest to protect me. But this didnt really help when he died - to me, it was very sudden (within half an hour of me speaking with my mum and her telling me he was in hospital, but not to worry), whereas mum had more time to anticipate what might happen.

I don't have any answers, I'm afraid. For me, it took a few days to sink in and for the anger to subside. I remember feeling very conflicted - angry at my mum for not telling me (the amount of times I just wanted to flip my lid about this but didn't...), but full of love for her for wanting to protect me and 'carry on' as usual, as dad would have wanted.

Talk to your friends/partner/whoever, even if the thoughts aren't coherent (I made very little sense in the early days - getting there now!). Keep posting here - I've found this board to be particularly supportive when I needed to 'talk' to people outside of the situation for balance.

Take care.

Thank
You both and I am so sorry for
Your losses. It is just hard isn't it @Itwontrainallthetime you poor thing that must have been awful. We couldn't see my dad in the funeral home at all which was hard I feel like I've not said goodbye. I'd not seen him for a year before he passed. @DiscoStusMoonboots life is just so hard sometimes isn't it. I am always here for you both if you need a sympathetic ear. Thank
You for taking the time to reply and sharing tour experiences with me it's such a comfort x