Sons third anniversary

[CordeliasPencil]

My son died today three years ago.

My friends never say anything, apart from my best friend who does. I don't know if they think because he was stillborn then he wasn't a proper baby and I'm over it now or something. Or maybe they don't know what to say. Or maybe they think I don't want anything to be said.

But I don't know really, no one surely could think that he wasn't a "real" baby as he has a surviving twin who is turning three tomorrow so it was a completely viable pregnancy by this point. She was smaller than him and three days younger so he should very definitely be here.

I have to be in a hospital today and I don't want to be. I have PTSD and although I'm being treated and am very heavily medicated .. that isn't going to help me today - I'm going to just keep on seeing exactly what happened over and over. From my son dying, the horrendous fear that my daughter would follow through to me nearly dying as well when they were born.

I couldn't save him. It was my body and and illness I had that did this. I know it wasn't my "fault" but it feels so horrible knowing that as a mummy I couldn't keep my baby safe.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP and I'm so sorry to hear that you aren't getting the support you want from your friends. Would you feel comfortable explaining to one or two close friends how you're feeling? I think with loss people often forget that the pain and grief stays very fresh, especially around significant dates, so maybe assume you're ok if everything looks alright from the outside to them. If they're good friends, I'm sure they will want to support you.

Your hospital appointment today sounds really hard, could you contact the hospital beforehand to let them know how you're feeling so that they can support you a bit and be understanding?

Keep talking about how you're feeling on here too. There will always be people here to talk to, I'll be thinking of you today and sending you lots of love and here to talk if you want.

More for you and your beautiful son and daughter.

Thank you. That's a lovely message .

I don't think I'd really say anything to friends - the one that does talk about it is enough I think. I don't want to make people when they didn't because then they're not actually remembered him.. they only talking because I asked. I'd rather he be remembered anyway I guess.

I've got two daughters - older one and his twin. They're too little to know currently. Maybe people think I'm happy with them. But when people have said "at least you still have the girls" that's even more hurtful - I love them to the ends of the earth and of course I'm beyond grateful they're here and his twin survived but it's such a stupid comment... They don't replace him!

I’m so sorry, OP. And hope today and tomorrow go well for you.

I send my friend, who’s since moved away, a card every year remembering her son, who was stillborn. She says I’m one of the few who acknowledge the date and she’s got lots of good friends. I just think the human condition is such that people ‘get over’ other people’s awful events v quickly. Or it would eventually squash us all.

I really hope you have a good birthday for your daughter. It must be a bittersweet day.

People get uncomfortable around death especially if that death is a baby or child. They seem to think not mentioning them is better when i like you find its very much the opposite. My daughter passed away very suddenly 7 years ago, she was 3, my close friends and family talk about her regularly, I would be deeply hurt if they didn't. I have other friends who I thought were closer but I've drifted from purely because they think I should be getting over losing my daughter. No amount of time will make me miss her less, she left a hole in my heart that can never be filled. Please be kind to yourself, these dates don't get easier but sometimes it's the lead up rather than the day that is the worst part. Enjoy your twins birthday and do what's necessary to you to get you through these days. Xx

@MeanMrMustardSeed

I’m so sorry, OP. And hope today and tomorrow go well for you.

I send my friend, who’s since moved away, a card every year remembering her son, who was stillborn. She says I’m one of the few who acknowledge the date and she’s got lots of good friends. I just think the human condition is such that people ‘get over’ other people’s awful events v quickly. Or it would eventually squash us all.

I really hope you have a good birthday for your daughter. It must be a bittersweet day.

You're a really great friend. I think people think that maybe if they say something they'll make it worse for the bereaved parents or that they'll make think about it when I wasn't thinking about it before. But I don't just stop thinking about it or get reminded ... He's my son I always think about it.

@Phillipa12 I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm not sure how anyone could think you'd get over that !

My darling boy was stillborn nearly 26 years ago. I still find the anniversary hard, because it's all I've got left of him apart from a few photos by my bed.

People just don't know what to say unless they've gone through it or similar. Even my own Mum was shocked when we had a "proper" funeral for our son, she thought it was a service at the hospital .

I'm so very sorry for your loss

@BrilloPaddy

My darling boy was stillborn nearly 26 years ago. I still find the anniversary hard, because it's all I've got left of him apart from a few photos by my bed.

People just don't know what to say unless they've gone through it or similar. Even my own Mum was shocked when we had a "proper" funeral for our son, she thought it was a service at the hospital .

I'm so very sorry for your loss

I'm sorry for losing your boy too. We do have photos but my DH can't cope with seeing them so they're not currently up. They're beautiful though.

We had a proper funeral too. His baby twin sister was there. She was still preemie - not even full term. Our eldest wasn't we didn't think would have been a good idea as she wasn't even three. Wr chose it was just me and DH and his twin. DH and me were hysterical the entire time so good job our then toddler wasn't there it would have traumatized her.

It's good that his twin was there, and she got to say goodbye too. We too went alone to our sons funeral, I couldn't imagine anyone else to have been there. It was just too hard.

I've always had his photo by the bed - we were in such a state that the camera never came out of my hospital bag, but thankfully the midwives took some. The polaroids they first took I can't look at though - the one by my bed just looks like he's sleeping. Our other DC have always seen it, and they talk about their brother...... he's very much part of the family. And when DD had her 1st baby, she asked to use his name as her baby's middle name which is lovely.

Your baby will always be part of your family and your story

The midwives said they would have taken pictures regardless. They said they just put them into the file and if the family ever want them they're there. They said they'd never leave someone with nothing. At the time the hospital had a specialist bereavement photographer and so we have some absolutely stunning photos which she took. I know her as a friend too now - she has lost her own son. I'm so lucky to have those pictures. They're amazing.