My fiancé has died 2 months after my mum

[Stunnedscared]

I’m just numb. It was so sudden, he was very healthy but it was an aneurysm. He was 43. I’m still plodding through the admin for mum and trying to get used to not having her, so upset she’d not see me married and then this. I miss her but she was ill for a long time so when she died I was glad it was over for her, I miss her terribly but I’d been grieving for a while before I actually lost her if that makes sense. I coped, I cried, but I managed with his support. I love remembering her and I smile.

This is so different. In shock, he was in hospital for 4 days but they couldn’t save him. We were due to get married in a few weeks. So have had to cancel all that. Just on autopilot numb then it’s so painful I’m doubled over. It’s been two days and I’m calmly doing this admin then weeping hysterically for an hour. I feel I’m not in control of my body or my brain. I feel all these conflicting thoughts, I hate him for leaving me, I want him back, I want to see him so badly but I don’t want to look at photos, I’ve taken down all the photos.

I want to burn my wedding dress, rip it to shreds screaming, all his things I want to throw out, never see again. I can’t tell anyone I just can’t say the words. His best friend is telling most people. I cant even tell my sister, I just can’t text this but I can’t speak. I feel physically in pain. I’m so tired but strung out, I just really really want him right here. Warm and solid and laughing.
I’m so scared. What do I do? How do I get through this?

Sorry none of this post makes sense I just needed to put it down.

I'm so sorry. Life seems so unfair sometimes. 💐

I am so really sorry this has happened to you, life really can be so unfair.
No words of wisdom but just wanted to say I am thinking of you and hope you are coping xxx

No words Stunnedscared.
I am so, so sorry this dreadful thing has happened to you.
Let people help. They will want to do something to support you.
I couldn't speak for weeks after I lost my son. Text messages from friends and family kept me going. This board on MN saved my sanity.
Keep posting.
People on here have experienced grief.
We are all here for you.

Thank you everyone for being there and reading all this rambling. It does help, it really does.

At least that day is passed. We weren’t having a big do so only a few people were coming, knew all the details. I can’t keep asking people to take days off to be with me but I’ve got through it somehow.

It’s 4 weeks since he died. I’m a mess. I have told everyone now, I’ve been abroad for the funeral and back and I’m sorting his stuff slowly. I think people think I’m doing well, they say I’m brave etc but I’m really not coping at all. I’m a total bloody mess. I wish I could talk to my mum, just one more time.

I think it’s partly so hard because the person who is your support, your coping mechanism in crises/grief is the person you’ve lost and you don’t know how to be because he’s not there to say the comforting things, give you the hugs and the chest to cry into.

I hear his voice in my head, ‘grief takes energy, please eat some soup’, ‘please come outside for an hour, you need the sunlight’, ‘you need to move to get rid of the tenseness in your muscles, you’re stressed with grief and crying, come for a walk’ he was so sensible and strong for me when mum died.

I’m doing what he said like a zombie but I can’t bear the memories of him saying all that. Even that is painful but I’m dreading not hearing him anymore, it’s so confusing.

I’m off work, I’m staring at the walls. I’m not sure I’d be any use at work tbh. I just don’t know what to do. I’m lost. I want him back. I can’t do this.

💐
Try going back to work as the structure might help you get through the days.
Nights will still be a challenge though☕️

I’m so sorry @Stunnedscared

OP, are you there? I'm thinking of you x