How do you carry on when it feels like you can’t?

[Nc4post99]

I posted this on another thread not knowing there was a bereavement one?

If you’ve lost someone you loved dearly, how did you cope? How did you carry on and live through the grief?

I lost my dad in an incredibly traumatic way 2 weeks ago.- 5.5months pregnant with dc2. I have a mother and a sibling but they were/ and still are incredibly abusive and unkind people. I have dh and dc1 that are keeping me going. But the grief, it’s vast. I think I’m still in denial because I can’t talk about what happened without having a breakdown. I’m fine and then these moments of sheer panic happen and it’s overwhelming and I have a panic attack- but I don’t know what I’m panicking about, because the worst happened. I don’t want to say goodbye because it makes it ‘real’. I’m back at work and they are all lovely and supportive but the thought of talking to people and them asking how I am fills me with dread. Carrying on feels like betrayal?

I’ve lost relatives before and loved ones but it’s not been like this. If you lost someone dear to you and it felt suffocating, how did you carry on, keep going and make it through? How did you cope?

Nb i don’t feel suicidal

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been there when my DD died and I don't know how I got through but I guess you just do. I held tight onto the knowledge that it would eventually get easier. A grief counselor told me that the stress hormones that throw you into fight or flight mode after trauma stick around for about 6 months for most people. I found that about right, so I was still very much grieving after that but I was no longer reacting to everything as a threat and a danger. The councellor I saw also have me helpful tips like breathing exercises for dealing with anxiety.

So sorry to hear that your dad passed away

Please get a GP appointment if you can and let them know how much you're struggling. Due to being pregnant you should be top priority for counselling/emotional support on the NHS.

Don't feel under pressure to feel better ASAP. An awful thing has happened to you and you need time and space to understand it and move forward with it.

Sending lots of hugs

Sending you a hug . I lost my teenage dd a year ago .
I have just been accepted for grief counselling as I could not speak about it at all until recently . Take each day at a time . It sounds like a cliche , but I try to only see one day at a time . Also hold tight to your children . My ds is my reason for being . It is my mission to give him a happy , stable and enjoyable childhood and he keeps me going x

Minute by minute
Hour by hour
Day by day

The passage of time eases things, its a cliché but its true.

I'm so sorry about your dad.

Luckily I already had a referral in place due to my last pregnancy being incredibly traumatic otherwise the wait is close to a year where I am, which sucks.

I physically cannot bring myself to say the words ‘my dad died’ or ‘my dads funeral’ out loud, i know it’s true but I just can’t. I can’t look at pictures either. Funeral planning as just been on autopilot, i think I’ve mentally disassociated it from him and me.

I’m worried about it all hitting me later when I’m post partum. I had pnd the first time around and that was horrid

I’m sorry for your loss @Candyapple49

Thank you. I send my love and just to let you know that you are not alone in how you are feeling . Nearly a year on I have not opened any condolence cards . It sounds ungrateful but I asked my husband to hide all of the flowers . The reminders that it was reality were all to much to face . I still don’t have a photo up . I love her more than the world but it is just too painful. I still cry every single day , but I see joy with my son and you will do the same with your little one and new baby. X x

So sorry for your loss💐.

The only way I can explain it is that at first you don’t know how to deal with the level of pain it’s so debilitating. Then gradually and very slowly you get used to carrying it around. Fifteen years on, I still cry easily but not for long and I find that sometimes I’ve put the pain down, I don’t carry it all the time anymore. Give yourself all the time you need and ignore anyone who suggests any timescale by which you should be ‘over it’. Be kind to yourself.

Every night I dream of ways I could have done something differently and could have saved him. I just wish it wasn’t real 😢

I listen to an episode of griefcast if I feel grief bubbling up. Always makes me feel better. Hope you find a way to get through it too

Echoing what chasingsquirrels says - just get through minute by minute, hour by hour and don’t think too far ahead.
Also look after your nutritional needs to keep well, try and look after your body and your “self”
In time, try and build tiny little bits of pleasure bit by bit into each day, start with something tiny - just a nice pot of tea, and build on that.

Still got a box of cards (10 years on) that I can’t bring myself to read yet.