How do you 'put right' a mistake made with someone's final wishes?

[RubyRoses]

A dear friend of mine is having a really difficult time deciding what to do with her father's ashes. She feels extremely guilty as she chose for him to be cremated as no will could be found and her and her siblings believed this is what he wanted, but later (after the funeral) found a note from 10 years before where she promised him that she would NOT cremate him. She does not want to tell her siblings as she feels this would upset them further so carries the burden of the secret. Now she is unsure if she she should bury his ashes (but how does she explain this to her siblings?) or continue to scatter them somewhere special to him? She is really struggling with this and I don't know what advice to give, can anyone help please or have any suggestions? She feels she has let him down hugely.

Sorry your friend is going through this. Seems odd that she would completely forget such an important pledge/promise from only 10yrs ago though! Especially if SHE had written it!

I don't know if the funeral home would have any advice on another ceremony or contacts for counselling or someone to speak to? Was the cremation done with a priest/pastor etc? Could she contact them for advice?

I think she should do whatever her and her siblings want.
Her father should have made it well known what he wanted if he was so against cremation, he should have told each and every one of his children to their faces.

We’ve had relatives ashes buried. The reason was so that everyone had a place to visit. Your friend could suggest that.

I don’t think she should carry this secret with her though, although it does depend what her siblings are like. She needs the support of her siblings and they can all come up with a way to ‘make it right’. Grief clouds things, it’s simple to forget something that was likely an off the cuff comment years earlier. She discussed with her siblings what they thought their father wanted. She did the best she could in that time.

My mum was cremated but the ashes put in a lovely box and then buried with a small ceremony in a marked plot in the churchyard, and that's where Dad expects to go too. There was no room for full burial.

Could she have the ashes buried in a cemetery and have a gravestone etc? Best of both worlds and gives the family a focus for their grief.

She should tell the siblings and bury the ashes

I wouldn’t tell my siblings as it can’t be changed now and May needlessly upset them. If I were her I would suggest we bury the ashes so there’s a firm place to visit and a plaque as a memorial. I hope she can move past this - she obviously cares very much for him and it was an innocent mistake and my view is that it is really not important in the grand scheme of things. I’m sure his life can be remembered without this detail needing to cloud things. All the best to your friend.

Burying ashes is really common. You don’t have to do a tombstone or cemetery plot. My mother’s ashes were placed in a lovely pressed flower biodegradable box by the funeral home just for this purpose.

She is going to have to be honest with her siblings. I too find it odd that she 'forgot' she had written a note stating she would never have him cremated. She needs to put it right and get his ashes interred.

Burying the ashes is the logical option. Many places are not even allowing burials these days so ashes plots are the only option.

@ThePoint678

I wouldn’t tell my siblings as it can’t be changed now and May needlessly upset them. If I were her I would suggest we bury the ashes so there’s a firm place to visit and a plaque as a memorial. I hope she can move past this - she obviously cares very much for him and it was an innocent mistake and my view is that it is really not important in the grand scheme of things. I’m sure his life can be remembered without this detail needing to cloud things. All the best to your friend.

I was going to write the same as this.

I personally think she might feel relieved if she tells her siblings what happened. Does depend on what they’re like though.

She made a mistake and the reality is her father is dead so quite honestly whether his body was buried or cremated doesn’t make any difference to him now. So no actual harm done to him.

Truth is she can't put it right. What a pity she forgot such an important wish of his.

Thank you, I will pass some of these suggestions on.
It seems that she had jotted it down after a brief discussion they had one evening when it was randomly mentioned. I know she tried hard to find where it was written down but couldn't and only found it by chance when moving house in an old diary (she actually wishes she had never found it as she honestly thought cremation was what he wanted). In her defence, her dad was still young and died very suddenly and unexpectedly. He said he had a will but this could not be located in the place he said it was. I know she feels terrible and it really is eating her up. It's a no win situation that can never be changed but if I can help her find a bit of peace I will.

Oh your poor friend! Firstly I would tell her siblings and between them they can decide together what is best. What's done is done, it's a mistake. She'll have to learn to forgive herself.

I understand though as very nearly had a similar thing happen to me! I knew my father wanted to be cremated, but I had planned to bury his ashes with his parents. I mentioned it to my aunt, and she was a bit apprehensive about burying the ashes as she thought he wanted to be set free.

Any way, cutting a long story short ( my parents had just moved house prior to my father dying) for this reason I had no idea where his will had been placed. Anyway about a week after his funeral I was just about to leave my parents new house and thought, I'm just going to check how much paperwork we need to sort through, so opened this cupboard with at least about 50 files in it and one dropped out onto the floor. Opened it up, there on the top was dads will... Ashes not to be buried but to be set free and scattered!!! Seriously I swear my father knew my plans and dropped that on me!! Thank god!

I'd be wary of burying them in an official memorial plot. Most are only leased and you have to pay another (substantial) fee after 10 years or so.

This has caused a huge rift among a friends siblings as some of them think it's outrageous to even consider digging mum's ashes up to save money and others are saying they can't afford to keep paying. Even if they do agree, they'll have the same problem (or their DC will) again in 10 years time.

I'd like to think that her Dad would be upset at the thought of her beating herself up about it. Everyone makes mistakes and there was no malice involved.

If he planned to be buried can the ashes be interred in place he chose. Had he already reserved a plot?

Does she have a sense of WHY he wanted to be buried and not cremated? Is there a way of honouring that?

My DF told me he wanted to be buried so my DM's ashes could be buried with him; the church didn't offer burial of ashes, so this was his solution to keep them together. But he died suddenly - my DSis was distraught and adamant that she didn't want him buried, as we both live at the other end of the country and she couldn't bear the thought of an unvisited grave. At the time, I felt her distress took priority, so DF was cremated, but I tried to honour what he originally wanted by arranging a dedicated bench memorialising DPs' happy marriage, then scattering their ashes together.

Whatever happens, your poor friend shouldn't beat herself up about it. The one thing you can say for certain is that her DF definitely wouldn't want that! The days after someone dies are so hard, and there isn't a lot of time to make big decisions, especially if siblings have different opinions about what should be done (which I suspect is what happened here - she knew deep down what her dad wanted, but the others were taking charge and it was easier to let it unfold their way).