Planning DS1 funeral

[Tatooine]

I'm Makinglists husband.
In the unenviable position of planning DS1 funeral and don't know where to start. Have found the perfect spot to lay son to rest at a local cemetery and have appointed funeral director. We need to fix a date soon but that means having to think about what to include as part of the service. If anyone has attended a child's funeral and remembers moments that stood out for them, sources of readings and ideas of things to include that would be great. DS1 was 15 at his death and leaves behind his brother 10. DS1 was baptised and we did have a blessing for him in hospital . In times of crisis do turn to faith, and service will need to have religious elements but not regular church attendees so not sure want to include hymns and readings from bible.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

The memory that stays with me relates to music. The school choir performed one of her favourite very modern songs. I presume that anyone close to her had the option to not take part if they felt they couldn't. People were also invited to release degradable non lit lanterns with personal messages inside.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Speak to your priest, and your child's school if you can. They might have some thoughts on how they can help, who can contribute. Particularly the school if you want school friends to be involved.

So sorry for your loss op. 💐. Include whatever you feel you or ds would have liked don’t worry about how religious or otherwise the other attendees are. Don’t be afraid to share funny anecdotes at the service if you feel that’s something you’d want to do. Your funeral director should be able to point you in the right direction with guidance for the service if you feel that’s something that might be beneficial

Sorry for your loss.

So sorry you are going through this.

I have not been to a child's funeral but I think funerals where people remember the good things / the happy times are more personal.

Are you in contact with his school? His teachers may have some ideas and they will be one step removed from family and friends and I don't mean this unkindly but that distance can be beneficial at this time.

Whatever you do or don't do this will be the right thing for you and your loved ones.

So sorry for your loss. When you have sorted out the date for funeral, the funeral director will ask you what priest/vicar etc you want. They will contact you to go through the service, they will advise you every step of the way. if there is no one that can stand up and say some words, you need to put together a short eulogy of their life. Try and think of some music that you would like played that might have been special to your son.

Funeral directors are there to help you and will ask you about your DS and will be able to suggest things for you.

That's a terrible thing to have to do. I recently had to organise DH's funeral, which was awful, but not what you're going through.

Are you using a celebrant? Ours was brilliant and had answers to all your questions. I also didn't want a religious funeral, but needed to include some religious aspects and he knew exactly what was needed, suggested suitable prayers, readings, poems etc

Ahead of the funeral, I was concerned that I hadn't had enough input, that it wouldn't be personal enough, but actually it was a really beautiful service that hit exactly the right note. I could have spent weeks planning it without it being as good.

If there are things you know you want included, tell them, but otherwise leave it to the experts and take the pressure off yourself would be my advice.

Oh OP I am so sorry for your loss. Unimaginable

My view is that funerals are for the living, and that this could be an important time to reflect for quite a diverse audience considering his youth. I lost a friend at a similar age and the funeral was so packed a marquee was needed (not sure what happens in covid times though).

It’s a quarter of a century ago now and I still remember some of the songs (contemporary pop ones, that had been prevalent and played by the deceased), that our local theatre group sang (they were a member), I think they also sang Morning has Broken.

Readings wise depends a little on circumstances but I do like the popular funeral reading from the book of revelation (I think you are considering a church funeral); it is more appropriate if the deceased has been unwell.

There is a really beautiful acoustic (?) version of ‘Remember Me’ from the film Coco which might be appropriate.

I also agree with the above advice about leaning on the professionals who will have some input

So very sorry for your loss x

I am so sorry you are in this position.

Your funeral directors should be brilliant at guiding you through this. Through my work I've attended a lot of child funerals and there is no right or wrong way to do it- whatever gives you comfort.

Anything that reminds you of him - wearing favourite colours, favourite music, slideshow of pictures, live music, pictures he's drawn as decorations.
I went to a teenagers funeral where everyone had a little set to make origami stars and wrote a message on them. Another where everyone added their own drawing straight to a cardboard coffin. Another one where their school choir performed so beautifully and the music teacher had written a song especially for the occasion.

On practical notes-

People will help you arrange it- don't put too much pressure on yourself and accept competent help.
If you have other children coming to the ceremony then dedicate someone to look after them through it so all your focus is on yourself.
If you want to write something to be read aloud then have someone lined up in case you don't feel able to read it yourself.
If you want to, take time with your son before the day to have time away from distraction. The funeral can be such a blur. You may wish to take handprints, foot prints, a lock of hair, (there are companies that do beautiful fingerprint jewellery or hand castings)

That's agonising. I'm so sorry.

Not the same at all, but I lost a schoolfriend in her 20s. Her parents asked us to wear bright colours to her funeral. They knew they wouldn't manage to speak at it but they gave anecdotes of her to the vicar (who did justice even to the ribald ones).

Funerals are personal to each person.

At my dd's funeral, we had a collection of photos shown on video with dd's favourite song (YNWA) being played.
I still can't watch it now without crying.
The funeral director will help you plan your son's funeral exactly as you want.

I am so sorry.

As a funeral celebrant I can see you have had good advice already. The only thing I would add is to either book a double slot or end of day time, it is not something that any grieving parent should have to think about, but unfortunately overrunning your slot can lead to fines, and of course upset for other bereaved families. Give yourself the breathing space you will need.

There is a beautiful reading called ‘I hope you have a physicist at your funeral’. I have no doubt it will be a tough read but it may provide some comfort for you at a time when there is only despair and disbelief.

Be gentle with yourself. There are no rights or wrongs at this time.