My best friend lost her husband last week, I am doing all I can but feel so helpless.

[GColdtimer]

My best friend lost her lovely husband last Thursday after a short and sudden illness - this thread here. I was with her and have been with her as much as I can since then.

I know all about the practical things I can do to help and I know that I need to let her talk when she wants, give her space when she wants, be there when she needs to be held and just try to do what I can to support her. There are a group of us who are really close and we will all be there for her as much as we possibly can.

But what can I expect over the next few months? I know everyone is different but I would love to read more about the bereavement process or hear from others in similar situations as I really know nothing. I am taking each day as it comes at the moment but I would like some ideas of what is to come and how I can best help her. I am someone who is thought by my friends to be "good in a crisis" but honestly, nothing I have ever experienced has equipped me for this.

I am really lucky. I have a lovely support network of friends myself and have talked a lot but I wanted to get some experiences from people on here too.

Hi twofalls, I promise I am not stalking you.

It sounds like you are doing everything that you can tbh. From my experience, I feel a bit distant from my friends at the moment, as I am the sort of person who needs to grieve in peace and in private. My friends all appreciate that, but still call, text and email to let me know that they are thinking of me, and that they are here when I need them. However, having lost a child is different to losing a partner, as dp and I have each other to lean on.

The only practical thing I can suggest is making sure she has things to do over the Christmas and NY period.

You sound life a wonderful friend, so just carry on with what you are doing and do what feels right. Oh, and don't forget that you are grieving too. xx

Thank you its really nice to see you

I really appreciate your words and sharing your experience. I just can't imagine what you are going through.

I am going over later and she feels like a walk across the fields so I am taking my wellies! You are right, I am grieving to and so I also need some space to do that.

I hope you are OK. xx

sounds like you are doing all the right things, i think you have to be led by her but balance that with just doing the practical things, i think its better to just get on and do stuff rather than say is there anything i can do.

You must be feeling horribly helpless. I know what you are going through as my best friend's son tragically committed suicide last January, whilst at university. It was 2 weeks br=efore his 20th birthday, and nobody had a clue he was depressed.

I watched my friend fall completely apart, not helped by the fact that she was currently going through a rotten divorce. I remember that she was numb, and got through to the funeral on autopilot. What a tragic day that was. But she held it together that day.

Afterwards she completely went to pieces, not helped by the fact that she simply couldn't sleep, which I think is common in bereaved people. She literally spent hours crying, clinging on to his clothes and things. Then she would be furiously, dementedly angry, shrieking rage.

As a friend I felt completely useless, I couldn't help with the practical things such as cooking and cleaning, as that was almost her salvation, she would dash around frantically to keep her mind busy. She also went back to work ridiculously quickly, 4 weeks after his death, but she said she needed to. I think it helped actually, got her out of the house.

After about 6 weeks she really started to feel that she couldn't go on, nothing was getting better. She then started to go to bereavement counselling (offered by Cruse) and it has been an absolute godsend, I cannot speak highly enough of them. She still goes once a week, nearly a year later.

The only advice I can give is to just be there, on the end of the phone, for a cuddle, as much as you can (which you obviously will be . And to listen to her, if she needs to. And don;t be afraid of talking about her husband, my friend said that the mark of real close friendships as opposed to more casual friends is that the real friends are not afraid to talk aboiut the person who has died, that they were important and their lives impacted other people. The more casual friends are almost afraid to mention the name.

Another time that she found hard was around 6 months, she felt that the majority of people would have expected to to move on to a degree. However, the grief is still the main part of hr life at the moment; she is achieving what you could call a 'normal' life, and my god we go out together and scream with laughter, she is my wonderful best friend who is the funniest person I know. However, the dreadful sorrow is still very much there, she can start to be very upset and cry anywhere, it is still so raw.

I can never understand what she has gone through (the thought of losing my dd makes my blood run cold), but I would like to think that I have been there fore her and have supported her the best I can. That's all the advice I can give, really, listen o her, be there for her, and remember, and talk about, the happy times she had with her husband.

Blimey, epic post!

Thank you so much, it is really good of you to share your experiences. What an awful thing to happen to your friend.

I haven't been on much because I have been with her but have had to do some work today and spend some time with dd. We have a rota so she won't be on her own. She was going to come here today but can't face leaving, which is fine.

I know everyone is different but it is useful to get some idea of what may happen after the funeral. She is just getting by at the moment, taking things day by day and focusing on arrangements. But I am fearful for her and what the future months might hold. At some point, she will have to be on her own and at the end of the day, however supportive of her we all are, she is the only one living the utter nightmare that she has found herself in. She has already asked the GP for counseling and I will look at CRUSE to see what they can offer. I know she will need more support than her friends are able to give her over the coming months but it is good to know that we are doing the right thing by just being there.

oh and onlyjoking, meant to say that these kind of threads must be very difficult for you

I was just wondering if there are any books I could buy that anyone who has been in this position could recommend? I really want to understand about the grieving process, it might even be helpful for me to talk to CRUSE or someone similar myself. The funeral is on Wednesday and I do know that things are going to get worse. At the moment, she is getting through the days by getting on with arrangements but she still doesn't really believe it (nor do I if the truth be known). I have a feeling that the acceptance process is really difficult and I really would like to do some reading. I could just do a web search but recommendations would be useful.

Thanks

There is a website called www.merrywidow.com that has some helpful pointers for bereaved and those supporting.

My Dh lost his best friend suddenly last year, we have spent a lot of time with his widow and family, I would just say 18 months on she is still struggling.

What I've learnt is that she doesn't like to ask for help but if I go over and see something that needs doing she's really grateful for the help. Just silly things like sorting out computer or mending stuff round the house, as well as some more indepth things relating to husbands business affairs. Your BF might lose motivation to cook/eat/clean/shop/get out of bed for a good while. Also might actually struggle with depression and need something from doctor IYSWIM.

Also we have done a lot more things together to save her being at a loose end at weekends etc.

Also tell her often (and demonstrate) that you are sticking around whatever she does or what mood she is in, and don't mind if she sits around and cries/rants/moans for an evening.

Sending thoughts your way, it's just awful for you all.

Thanks so much for your message grannyslippers, I know that we have such a difficult path ahead of us.

I have to go out now but just wanted to say thanks for the website and your thoughts, I think it has changed its address, it is now www.merrywidow.me.uk/.

sorry, I stand corrected, that is a different site. My head is all over the place at the moment! I can see that the one you pointed me at has links to lots of other resources

twofalls - it sounds lke you are doing all the right things, i would strongly recommed the WAY foundation, my mother-in-law helped to set up this charity and they cater for young widows, under 50's i believe. One of things my mother-in-law foudn after she was widowed was that the help tailed off quite quickly and that after about 6 months people kinda of expected her to have got over it by now.

WAY

twofalls, I have been supporting a friend who was widowed two years ago, I saw this article in the Guardian this summer and thought how useful it would have been to have read it at the time.
here
my friend has found the WAY (Widowed and Young) foundation to be incredibly helpful too
details of the WAY foundation here

Thanks a lot, both really great resources. I actually looked for the Guardian article because I remember reading it a little while ago, never dreaming that I would very soon be needing it. Thanks so much for the link, I may even by her book.

I think what worries me is that I kind of know how to help her now but I am so worried about the future for her. I know help this great wave of love and support will inevitably lessen as the months go on, she herself said she feels like she is being wrapped up in a great big duvet of love. The reality is though, it won't be there forever and I am bracing myself for what is to come.
As I have said before, I don't know whether the fact they do not have children will be a blessing or a curse in the long run - they were ttc. I am worried about the pain she will feel being around other families and how bitter sweet seeing her friends' children grow up will be. Her dh loved my dd and so I know being around her will be difficult.

I don't know, perhaps I am projecting too much, I know that I just have to deal with things day by day but I won't deny that I am worried about the future.

Thanks for still reading if anyone is, it does help to write it down!

Harpsi thankyou for posting that article, i have saved it, it made me sob but it all seems very useful stuff.
Ps harpsi the painting is in process and i am hoping she has finished it for christmas.
thankyou for the photos.
Twofalls you sound an amazing friend and i think you are doing a great job, getting the book would be a good idea.
OJ

Twofalls you had it right

Merrywidow site

I found it most enlightening

sorry for being too lazy to do links.

grannyslippers, its amazing. It is not an easy thing to take on board, but I think it is one of the most honest things I have ever read. thanks.

Thanks for the guardian article too, I just read that and it reminded me of a lot of useful things.

It was the funeral yesterday, awful day although the service was beautiful. My bf did really well. Hard day today, everything feels pointless for her and I know that we have got a steep hill to climb.

onlyjoking, I am going to borrow the book from a friend who strangely enough found herself in the same situation as me about a year ago.

twofalls - I bought the "Death and How to Survive It" for my friend whose DH was killed in a car accident in November. We are still waiting for the right moment to give it to her. It's tough reading, realising what she must be going through, especially the section entitled "Sad, mad and dangerous to know".

There was a good BBC series recently called The Widow's Tale which has a downloadable booklet with a section on helping someone who has been bereaved.

Every strength to you and your friend.

I had been thinking about you and your friend Twofalls, then saw this thread again today.

I'm glad the funeral went well, it is a huge milestone that can help a little towards exceptance.

Has your friend mentioned she finds it hard to be around your dd? Having lost my only child my friends thought I would find it hard seeing their children, but infact I love seeing them. I find my niece and nephew a great distraction. Maybe I find comfort in children as it shows life carries on?

You're being a great friend, and your bf will never forget your compassion and friendship.

Dadders, thanks for the links and the book, they are really useful and I will print off some information to give to my friend at a good time. I am so sorry for your friend and for you - it is so hard to see people you care about in such pain isn't it?

moveit, yes, surprisingly enough, she does like to be around my dd at the moment. I thought it would be painful for her but she said that children don't treat you any differently and make you feel in some way normal. In fact, when she came over on Saturday my dd was more loving to her than ever and we actually had a lovely day and evening. I am glad for you that you can find comfort from your niece and nephew and enjoy being around them. I can only imagine the pain you are in having lost a child but I am glad for you that you are finding some solace in other children. Thank you so much for thinking of me and coming back to post, I haven't been around a lot because I am juggling quite a lot but it was so nice to see your message

Twofalls, have just seen your thread, am so sorry for your bf. You sound like a wonderful person, your friend is lucky in havign someone as caring and supportive as you looking after her. I am sure things will be made that bit easier with you by her side.
I have not been in her position, nor yours, though have lost both parents - 13 years apart and both times very hard. The one thing i needed, and received from a good friend after my mum died and then my my Dh when my Dad passed away last year, was a rock. I know thats an overused cliche....but i needed someone solid i could rely on. Someone who i could phone at any time of the day or night....someone i could rant,rage and sob at even though id ranted and raged and sobbed at them many times before...someone who would just listen and give me a hug . I used to feel quite conscious that i should be gettign over it, after some time had passed, months, people had started to move on, think about it less....but i hadnt, to me it was so fresh and raw still. It was at those times i needed my rocks to be there and listen even though theyd heard it all before.
One thing i did that helped me, i kept a diary.....wrote as if i was writing to my mum/ talkign to her. It really helped me to vent and express things. Looking back and reading it is upsetting but i can clearly see the emotional progress i made - when it stopped being quite so desperate, hopeless and bleak, i was still sad but positive also.
Sorry, this post has turned into me,me,me, had intended merely to say well done for being such a support for your BF she will appreciate it and you will help her hugely

Orchide, thanks so much for your message and I am very sorry that you have lost both your parents. It sounds like it has been so hard for you.

I am trying to be that rock for my friend and luckily there are a group of us who can be there for her. At the moment she likes to be with the people who were with her the day her DH passed away as she feels really close to us having gone through that dreadful experience, as we feel really close to her. It was myself and another friend (I don't think either of us have truly come to terms with what happened that day, I have put it away in a box to revisit when the time is right).

I will suggest keeping a diary, it may really help her get down her thoughts. At the moment, her biggest fear is being alone and writing down what frightens her about that might help her come to terms with it.