Still intense grief 20 years later

[PilatesPeach]

I am 54, lost my mum when I was 33, lost my dad when I was 44. No family, at times the grief for them is still acute, overwhelming, makes me teary. Other times I can think about them with fond memories but really this many years later, it still can feel absolutely raw at times and quite debilitating and quite frequently I am finding - has anyone else ever had this?

SweatyBetty20 your life experience sounds similar to mine. I had a career change that parents would have been amazed by. I often think 'if my mum and dad could have seen this....'

I lost my dad when I was 26 and he was 54.
I lost my mum in a car accident when she was 69 and I was 44. Six months after my last remaining grandparent.
I have one brother I don't get on with and never see.
PIL in their 80's rattle on and on moaning and appreciating nothing.
I'm now almost 50 and feel very resentful. I know it's not healthy.

I find it utterly overwhelming at times, as do many, many people when they think about death. I find it hard to accept that my mum and dad were once alive and then died and now, that's it, they're gone for good and I will die one day and I will be gone for good too and never, ever see them again. Made myself cry just writing that down. Death of your loved ones is a sick joke thought up by someone with a warped mind quite frankly!

My grandmother died when she was 58. My mum was 39. Now she is almost 58 herself, her father died this year at 78 years old and she is feeling really raw and bitter about it all. She misses her mum as much as she ever did, and she is desperately sad that she never got to meet any of my mother's grandchildren or see her gain a degree and a really professional job. She is heartbroken still. And I know that if I were to lose her in the next year, at the age her own mother died, I would be the same.

I think there are many forms of true love, and I don't think it dies when the person does. When you love someone that deeply, your heart will always long for them, even years after they are gone.

I get this. My mum has been dead 12 years and my dad 10 years. I was 30 when I lost my first parent and tbh I’ve never got over it: some days it’s like it was only yesterday and the grief Is intense again. But I don’t talk about it and everyone expects me to be fine. But I’m really not. I don’t think I’ve been the same since and i never will be. It’s so hard

The only thing that gets me through is that I’m a (bad) catholic and do believe in God and heaven. I’m absolutely not a creationist, but sometimes I look at the world and how beautiful it is, and how if science was slightly different and not precisely balanced that it just wouldn’t exist, so someone bigger than life itself must have created this. Getting to see the ones I love again is really the only thing that keeps me going - I do feel I’ll see my mum again.

@SweatyBetty20

The only thing that gets me through is that I’m a (bad) catholic and do believe in God and heaven. I’m absolutely not a creationist, but sometimes I look at the world and how beautiful it is, and how if science was slightly different and not precisely balanced that it just wouldn’t exist, so someone bigger than life itself must have created this. Getting to see the ones I love again is really the only thing that keeps me going - I do feel I’ll see my mum again.

This must be so comforting. Wish I could believe again.

That’s young to lose your parents. I lost my brother 11 years ago and still have moments of intense grief and depressive episodes. So much of it is about me living through my own life stages and wondering how he would be, what he’s be doing, what a great uncle he would be etc. Lots of fresh stages of grief unfortunately and often exacerbated if things are going well or there are other challenges. I feel for you.x

I’m 54 now. My mum died 3 weeks ago. I am devastated. I can’t imagine ever getting over it to be honest. I’m composed mostly and functional. But feel distraught inside. Some people are expecting me to be getting better already. I’m so sorry that you are experiencing this.

My mother continued to miss her own mother very much (even 40 years later). I can only suggest that you take comfort from knowing how much you were loved.

I do like the phrase “death is only a horizon and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight”. It has brought me some small comfort. Much love to you my friend.

So sorry @PilatesPeach it's just awful.
I lost my mum last April and I know for a fact this pain will never ease. She meant too much, it's with me for life. X

Something that surprises me is that we all lose our parents at some point, yet we don’t really acknowledge or talk about the depth of our grief.

I lost my mum 12 weeks ago. 3 short months - 3 long months? It feels like so long since I’ve seen her and I miss her so so much. I feel bereft.

When I first lost my mum I kept looking at other people who had lost their parents and couldn’t believe they were managing to function!

@QueenFreesia2021 you wouldn't know me to look at people hide it well and I don't want to burden people , even my
Husband so I mostly have my daily sob in private - the shower / the car