Still intense grief 20 years later

[PilatesPeach]

I am 54, lost my mum when I was 33, lost my dad when I was 44. No family, at times the grief for them is still acute, overwhelming, makes me teary. Other times I can think about them with fond memories but really this many years later, it still can feel absolutely raw at times and quite debilitating and quite frequently I am finding - has anyone else ever had this?

Oh Peach that sounds so sad. I recently lost my dad and it's hit me like a lorry. I can't ever imagine feeling any better.

Have you had any counselling? X

So sorry for your loss, remember they are close and will be watching over you. I cannot begin to imagine your grief. Sending you💐. Hold on to all your cherished memories💐.

I lost both parents age 20. It doesn't get any easier, you just learn how to deal with it.

I am so sorry you are still feeling like this. Both my parents are alive. But I was incredibly close to my nana. She had a massive impact on me. Its 20 years, earlier this year this since she passed.

Just reading your op, made me well up. Because, while, it's not my parents. I feel the same about my nana. I can think of the good times. But very often, thinking of her reduces me to tears and the pain is indescribable.

Its why I hate the phrase 'it gets easier'. Because I don't think it does. Its like an open wound you just learn to live with.

I have a big family. But it fell apart when she died. She was the glue that held everyone together.

I can't imagine how bad it must be when it's your parents. While I can't compare my grief to yours, I understand. But I don't know why it's so painful after so long. I have lost other people since and I don't feel like this about their passing.

Just wanted you to know. Its not only you.

I know exactly what you mean My mum died nearly 20 years ago and it still hurts as much now as it did then. I've been having a clear out today and things that remind me of her bring tears so easily. I am overly sentimental about everything so attribute it in part to that. I have had counselling, as I need to manage my sadness better. It didn't work.

Oh thank you so much everyone you are so kind and feel overwhelmed just reading what you say.
Sometimes for work I drive past the road of my old family home and it all starts up again or I hear a song - anything really. If anything it is worse now than perhaps 5 years ago. Perhaps the pandemic has affected me.
I had counselling I did not find it helped.
I cannot really tell anyone in real life - no one gets it - most of my friends still have their parents and those who don't seem to be more together and accepting of it.

There are some things that you never get over.

Dh and l were talking about parental deaths earlier. We both agreed that they are really difficult to get over.

My dn got married today. My dm died in 2006 and my df who l don’t remember at all in 1971. I was both angry and upset that they couldn’t be there. Dm doted on dn. She would have loved to have been there.

No you don't just get over and counselling may not help. Also you feel what you feel.

My Mum and Dad both died the last week of January 2013. Sometimes it still really hurts and I go through weeks of bad dreams about them and how they died. I can still get tearful about it and I miss them terribly.

It's odd maybe but I really do think about them every day. My Mom often when I am cooking and my Dad when I puzzle over something as he was go to for discussing hard decisions. Even little things like a hydrangea in bloom yesterday can trigger me a bit as Mom loved gardening and flowers

You are not alone in your feelings OP. The way I look at it is you never get over grief, you just learn to live with it and get on. Your feelings sound perfectly normal to me. We all grieve differently but one thing for sure is you don't really understand the pain of losing a parent until it happens to you.

Take care. Be gentle with yourself.

I lost my mum 23 years ago when I was almost 18, I still feel the grief and think of her every day. It makes me feel like a huge hole was made into my life and never filled.

Just seeing women my age going out for lunch or shopping with their mums makes me so sad.

Big hugs @PilatesPeach, losing a parent is so so difficult, there is no time frame on grief. I lost my mum 11 years ago when I was 39 and my dad last October when I was 49. Sometimes I'm fine and other times I feel like Ive been punched in the gut. I can't think about my childhood now without feeling so sad that my mum and dad are gone. A colleague at work a while ago started singing the song Snooker Loopy and I had to go to the toilet and cry, and then I was really down for a good week. So silly how something so small can really set you back but it's natural. Be kind to yourself, you feel how you feel, and time makes no difference. I figure I had my mum and dad in my life for 40/50 years - not something you can get over ever!

Yes. My cousin, who I was very close to growing up, died at the age of 14. Thirty nine years on and it still makes me very sad.

Ah OP yes I am still overwhelmed sometimes and it's been 30 years. I miss my mum all the time. I started counselling today which is about some genrralised anxiety I have - but then it all came out about mum and how traumatic it was and I realise how much it has affected my life and still does. I don't know the solution to it but you aren't alone.

I still miss my Grandma hugely, 18 years on. It was all "natural order" old age etc but it doesn't make any difference.

Does anyone else get massive waves of nostalgia? If I really concentrate I can feel like I'm sitting in her house on a random Tuesday afternoon in half term, watching the early edition of Neighbours

This is a recognised issue. Extended grief - it has another name which I can’t remember, but it’s very real.

Yes I lost my sibling 24 years ago and it still can be very upsetting at times

Another one who totally gets it.
Xx

My gran died when I was 16 and her death still haunts me 35 years later. Talking through my feelings really helps - I have regular counselling to prevent things from getting debilitating. Maybe try it if you haven’t already?

Aw it’s so hard.

I went to a beach where I went rockpooling with my dad when I was small. He died in his 40s when I was in my early twenties. It’s 30 years on. I’ve got on with my life. But being on that beach with my own children who are young adults and teens was hard.

He’s missed all of their lives and we have lived with the gap where he should have been. In some ways the grief gets smaller but in others it gets bigger with the passage of time.

I’m 49 - lost my mum when I was 23, my dad at 34, and my little brother suddenly this year. I get this fairly frequently- I have no other family other than a few distant cousins who I’ve not seen for decades. I don’t know where three out of seven are.

There are things that are triggering - like others a song, or a flower, or something on the telly. I don’t know what the answer is - sometimes I try to ignore it, sometimes I give in and have a bloody good howl and a rant about how unfair life is that some people have the people they love for a long time, while I lost everyone early. Then I try to pick myself up and carry on. For me, I think it’s because I lost them early. You want your parents to be proud of you, and I have had a decent life, (although didn’t get married or have kids). When my mum died I’d just left uni and was working part time in a supermarket so that I could also care for her, and I so wish I could talk to her now and say “look what I did, where I’ve been!”

Be kind to yourself. Sometimes a good cry is cathartic. Live life like you mean it - when my brother died someone told me that sadly not all people get their fair share. My family didn’t, so, I have to do my best to make the most of mine.

35 years for me too.

Part of my issue I think is I never had chance to process. Kids were just expected to get over it- in fact I heard many people actually say stuff like “kids adapt”- and also I was expected to support my mum, again many well meaning people asking my age (11) and commenting I was old enough to be “company”.

So no counselling, just a day off school and carry in as normal. Nobody really mentioned it again.

I lost my parents OP at almost exactly the same ages as you were. I was very close to my mother who died when I was in my early thirties. Bizarrely, I don't miss her much now. However I wasn't so close to my dad yet miss him a lot. I think because I wish I'd got to know him better.

However, and I'm being honest, I don't miss them hugely in day to day life any more. I just have fond memories. Perhaps it's because my younger sibling is very ill. I find the idea of losing a younger sibling too terrifying to contemplate. I'm losing sleep over it.

I do understand how you feel. Take care.