How is the best way to prepare children....X

[Mattie82]

My sil is terminally ill, she is young and has a dc the same age as one of my dc. My children are 13 and 12 and they know their aunty is very poorly, we all live near each other and are a very close family. We are all utterly devastated as she has really deteriorated recently and yesterday she went into a Hospice, they want to get on top of pain meds etc and then hopefully she can come home. I need to know the best way to prepare my children. My oldest DC is on the waiting list for camhs and has ocd and health anxiety so is already not in a good place. Is it best to get completely honest the whole way through? Should I let them see me upset or hold it together in front of them. I'm clueless and need some help. I will also be there for a brother, sil and their dc too and if you can think of anything I should do in particular or that you find helpful, I'd like to know. Thanks so much in advance xxx

I'm sorry about your SIL. I would be honest with your DC and let them see you and other family members upset because then they will know that it's ok to be upset. Death is such an inevitable part of life that we all need to process. They will grow from it with your support and kindness.

@onetoomanykids

I'm sorry about your SIL. I would be honest with your DC and let them see you and other family members upset because then they will know that it's ok to be upset. Death is such an inevitable part of life that we all need to process. They will grow from it with your support and kindness.

Thank you so much xxx

I lost my mum last year after a fall, and we've lost other family members recently. I have tried to be fairly open with the DC (11 and 13 then) that first this could happen and gradually get round to this is going to happen. Because it has been elderly relatives we've been able to talk about how their quality of life has declined, how tired they are, how much they want to be with deceased partner, etc. That seems to have worked for us - DC2 was remarkably good when a family friend's son died suddenly at 60. He just seemed to know something comforting to say - possibly from having worked out that when I'm sad about mum, a hug from him really helps. I've also been clear I don't expect them to be upset (or not as much as me) about their gran, and just left space for them to talk as she declined and then immediately after. We do keep talking about all the people we have lost: we know children who lost their mum at c.8 and 12, and that seems to help them. They like to hear about people's memories of their mum.

my husband died earlier this year and I had to (quickly) prepare my daughter - he had been receiving treatment for his cancer, we found out it was terminal and his health declined very quickly. I was open, answered questions, assured my daughter we would both be okay. I found that once I had actually told her what was happening, that it was "easier" as I carried so much pain knowing I had to tell her that. You might well find that your children will guide you on what they need to know once you have told them.

I think from most of what I've read that children have "suffered" more when they have felt that they have not been told what is happening and therefore maybe not a chance to say goodbye. discuss what is happening.

I am so very sorry for you as well losing your sister and dealing with the emotions of children. You have my love during this time.

Please don’t hold it in. My children are slightly older and younger than yours and they both find it comforting when I cry around them and talk about our lost loved one because it inadvertently gives them permission to show their feelings too. If money allows I would also recommend grief counselling (we went private, the NHS waiting list was a year long). I’ve always answered questions but only volunteered crucial information, as their mum you know what they can cope with. I’d also talk about her lots, I found that helped my family. Sorry you are going through this.