I’m not sure if this is the right place to post but I posted before about my loss and got so much support I thought you all could help. Just over 18 months ago, DH and I lost our firstborn, our DD. She was stillborn at 41 weeks, she passed away during labour.
I fell pregnant again last year and DS was born last October, he’s now 8 months and just a total joy. But needless to say the last 19 months have been beyond difficult.
When DS was born I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety disorder, much of which was based around DS and something happening to him. I’ve been having CBT which has really helped. I finally feel able to enjoy DS and not let anxiety take over. But in the last month, I feel like my grief over DD is incredibly intense again, and a lot of things relating to her death and her birth are rearing up. My CBT therapist says this can often happen when the anxiety is brought under control as it is usually masking the underlying issues which come to the forefront once the anxiety subsides enough.
I had bereavement counselling all last year until DS was born which helped a lot. But I was pregnant during most of it and talked a lot about fears and anxiety around the pregnancy. I do feel that there is a lot of stuff to do with losing DD that I haven’t processed.
As a result I’m struggling to sleep, my mood is very low and I’m in a place where I don’t really want to see anyone, and I don’t want anyone seeing DS. I want to just keep him home with me in a protective bubble. I know this isn’t healthy or fair on DS so my therapist is going to look into further counselling for me once my CBT sessions conclude.
But the bigger issue is DH and I. He’s had his own struggles since losing DD. He’s had treatment for PTSD and depression which helped. Lately though he’s been really struggling with his job. To the point that he feels he can’t do it anymore. He moved to a new role in the same place earlier in the year but things are no better. He feels he’s not trained for anything else so he has no chance of moving to a different field. He’s become quite down and withdrawn about it. I’ve suggested lots of things including that I go back to work early (I’m still on mat leave) and he quit his job, take some time out and re-evaluate. We can’t really afford that as he’s the higher earner but his MH is more important. He doesn’t want me to do that. But anything I’ve suggested he doesn’t want to do. He’s just withdrawn into his phone and doesn’t really engage with me anymore. Since I’ve had my struggles over the last month, he doesn’t seem to care. I’ve tried talking to him but he doesn’t listen, literally doesn’t hear me as he’s on his phone. Yesterday he was in a mood with me because I didn’t want to go out anywhere and he blamed me for another rubbish weekend. I told him I was really struggling, had a lot going on in my head, wasn’t sleeping etc… and I got no reply. Literally silence. I told him I can’t talk to him and there was still nothing.
Whenever he’s felt rough I always ask him what’s wrong, how can I help, what does he need, or just listen and try to understand. But I’m getting none of that from him, it’s like doesn’t care anymore.
I don’t know what to do, but I’m starting to really resent him and resent living this way. This is just the tip of the iceberg too as there’s a lot more I resent in terms of him pulling his weight with DS/housework and so on. I’ve tried so many times to talk about these things that I’m kind of done trying. I’m wondering if we’d be better apart.
Has anyone else’s relationship with a partner disintegrated like this after a loss? Any advice?