Delayed Grief

[FanFckingTastic]

Hi all, and sorry if this one has been done before, I'd just love to know that I'm not a complete weirdo I suppose.

I lost my dear Dad to Mesothelioma just before COVID was a thing. As with most people with this vile disease, he deteriorated rapidly and died about six months after being diagnosed. I was aware of the likely outcome when he got the diagnosis so felt quite stoic just after his death. Obviously I cried, and had some bad days but generally felt OK - and I presumed that this was because I had been lucky to have a little time knowing that he was dying, and had been able to process things before he passed away. Fast forward to now, and I seem to be completely overtaken with grief. I literally feel like I'm being chucked around in the sea, with no way of swimming to shore. Most days I feel like I'm drowning and it doesn't seem to be getting better, if anything it's getting worse. I just can't stop thinking about my Dad. I don't know why this has suddenly happened as there haven't been any particular triggers as far as I can work out. I honestly feel like I'm going mad.

Is this kind of delayed reaction normal? I feel a fraud telling people / work etc that I'm finding things hard as it's not like I've just lost my Dad.

I’m so sorry. Yes, I think this is normal. Grief is a strange beast that can leap out when you aren’t quite expecting it. It will get easier.

I lost my mum last year. Its been 15 months but feels like 5 minutes. There no time limit in grief and your still in relatives early stages. Can you afford to take any extended leave?

Lost my dad too in 2019 and can’t stop thinking of him. I wonder if pandemic has made grief worse or delayed due to strangeness. I feel sadder now than then- possibly because nearly two years later the enormity has really sunk in, and genuinely just miss him.

COmpletely normal. And you wont always feel this bad

Yeah, same here. Lost both parents within months end 19/spring 20 and it's only really getting real now.
And a friend I was walking with today said the same thing - she was ok when her Dad died, but at someone else's funeral a couple of years later, BLAM.

It's all grief and all real. My DH died five years ago and I'm pitched into howling suddenly, though not for long in terms of intensity. I work and have my life but it's all bit cack for me at times.

So very sorry for your loss, FanFckingTastic

Don't worry if it keeps on coming back.

Thanks everyone. It makes me feel a bit better to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way... and that I am not going crackers. It sounds really silly but it's just the little things, a song that I hear, a little memory, something that my kids do that I think he would have been proud of. Gah - grief is awful isn't it. I'm so sorry for all of your losses too x x

your not alone in your feelings

I'm sorry for your loss.
I lost my dad in 2015 and I still cry for him.
It's very normal I'm afraid.
I also find if something reminds me of him unexpectedly then he doesn't leave my mind all day.
Have you thought of counselling? I had it 6 months after he passed and it helped me come to terms with things.

There's a phrase 'the madness of grief'. I heard Richard Coles use it when he was interviewed about the loss of his partner and it seems to sum it up well.
There's no 'normal' about grief

Hi OP, I lost my Dad in 2019 and can't stop thinking about him lately. I didn't have time to grieve at the time because I was looking after my DM.

Sending

It's ok to have bouts of intense grieving. Our loved ones are imprinted in our hearts forever. Go with it, it won't last forever

My dad also had mesothelioma and died 3 years ago. It is indeed vile. Very much similar circumstances - 9 months from diagnosis to dying. It was heartbreaking.

I think I grieved a lot before he died, but at that point it was sheer panic ground rush really, as his previous time seemed to be slipping away so quickly and he so didn’t want to die. Watching someone you love deteriorate like that is a living nightmare

The pandemic may have “distracted” you from your dad? I think I’ve read somewhere that delayed grief is perfectly normal. But like others have said it really does come and go with different degrees of intensity. I really miss my dad at the moment - I think it’s because he’s not here to see the football, and I’d like to talk to him about life in general, he was great for a natter.

I did speak to a counsellor and it really helped. I remember saying that I feel like we need to get over both dads’s illness and his death. Like they were separate things. The horror of the whole thing and the finale. Not sure that makes sense but I felt that quite strongly at the time.

Therapy really helped me, I really recommend it.

So sorry your dad and you have had to go through this….

Hi OP, I lost my Dad in 2016 and my Mum in 2020, sometimes I go to say something about them, my childhood etc. and I can't speak as I know Im going to cry so I think I still have grief. This has happened on work calls a couple of times and it's so embarrassing. Yesterday I was walking through a shopping centre, totally normal and there was a dog the same as one of their lovely dogs (not even my childhood dog) and I felt beside myself suddenly about never seeing them again. I don't know if grief ever truly leaves you.

Hi @FanFckingTastic. I'm so sorry for your loss. I had to comment because I feel so similar right now. The last week or two have felt ultra hard. Next level grief, I'm not myself. Don't want to see or speak to anyone. I guess I don't have any words of comfort other than you're not alone in this and please stay strong. Take it a day at a time and even if you hate the thought of it do tell others how you feel

It's 12 months since I lost my lovely dad, and I thought I was coping...until the actual anniversary of his death last week. Since then I feel completely overwhelmed with grief, and am struggling with giving my time to support my mum, and also my FIL - as my MIL died 2 weeks after my dad😔.
I feel like I'm failing at everything as I can't seem to cope, and any one thing out of the ordinary that crops up sends me into an irrational rage!
A friend said to me " YOU don't deal with grief, it deals with YOU" and I am beginning to realise she is right. Trying to put on a brave face to the world has only suppressed my emotions.

Thanks so much everyone for sharing your experiences. It's just horrible isn't it.

" YOU don't deal with grief, it deals with YOU" really resonate with me and I'm sure it will for others too. We are so used to being in control of our lives, and to an extent our emotions and I've found it quite scary to realise that I'm not in control at all. My MIL (who is a funeral director and has therefore seen a fair amount of grief!) has explained it quite well too. She said that grief is a bit like swimming in the sea - sometimes it's calm and the swimming is easy, but that a storm can blow up from nowhere and then swimming is impossible, you will be tossed around and just have to hold on and try not to drown, knowing that the sea will be calm again at some point.