Overwhelmed by "stuff"

[DollyParsnip]

Hi

I lost my lovely DH suddenly at the end of May following surgery that went wrong, he fought for a week but sadly his brain was too damaged to survive. As it was unexpected, DH has been referred to the Coroner - we have been given the ok for a funeral but only with an interim certificate, pending an inquest.

We have an 11yo DD who is being amazing, and friends and family have also been wonderful and I genuinely don't know how I would have managed without them.

DH's funeral is on Friday and I am just feeling so overwhelmed by life at the moment - just paperwork and funeral and secondary school transition and DD and everything has just really got to me today. I feel snappy and irritable and just knackered.

Please tell me it will get easier? I miss DH so much, we were so lucky that he worked from home so we shared so much of the housework and DD, he was a wonderful sounding board when people were being annoying and it's all down to me now.

Ugh. Sorry for moaning. Please send me virtual kicks up the arse so I snap out of it

Dolly - so sorry for your loss I do hope things improve for you and your family soon, dont despair tomorrow is another day, thats what I kept telling myself when I was widowed last year.

I was widowed 2.5 years ago and the feeling of being overwhelmed by paperwork/stuff to sort out/emotionally processing everything at the start is completely natural. You will gradually get through everything and slowly start to find a new normal - it just takes time. That's not to say that you'll ever stop missing and loving your DH, but you'll find your way through this and your life will grow around your grief. You're in the thick of it right now and you're doing so, so well. One day at a time - it's going to be OK

Oh, and you definitely don't need virtual kicks up the arse. What you're having to deal with is utterly awful. First, you survive, then in time you can heal and grow again. You need to be kind to yourself, and proud of yourself too. It sounds like you're being incredibly strong.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m so glad you have lots of support and your lovely DD of course.
My best advice is to take help and ask for help if you need it. Don’t take on more than you can handle if someone else can help you. Probate solicitors are worth every penny.
Most importantly, take plenty of time out for treats for you and your DD. Do things you enjoy, spend as much time together as possible

So sorry for your loss Dolly - I lost my husband in April this year and recognise much of what you are going through - the paperwork will ease off but it is relentless at times - what I did is gave myself only one or two people/companies to phone each day. I had a big notebook where I wrote the date and notes when I phoned (really helpful now as much of what I did in those early days is now a blur). Try and break everything down into smaller bits. And on days when you can’t do anything that is okay as well. Grief is incredibly tiring and I also have a teen daughter so some days I do almost nothing so that when she is back from school I can be there for her.

I hired a probate solicitor which meant that I didn’t have to worry about that.

Let friends and family cook / help in whatever way they can. I’m pleased that you have support.

I also (and still do) tell myself it’s one day at a time.

Sending you much love and strength

Thank you everyone, I am slowly, slowly, working through everything and feel a bit more in control today. My lists are still long but have more ticks than earlier in the week.

I'm keeping DD off school this week as her School is closing bubbles like mad and I had a panic at the weekend in case we / she had to isolate and missed Friday's funeral. Weirdly it's quite nice bumping around together - I thought she would add to my stress but she's being hugely comforting.

I hope Friday does DH justice, I am almost looking forward to it and dreading it in equal measure.

Thank you for your calming words and support.

I'm so glad you're feeling a bit more in control, Dolly - I've been thinking of you. Just keep ticking those items off, one thing at a time, but also remember there's no rush for a lot of it if it suits you better to take your time and give yourself a bit of breathing space.

I hope that it all goes well (as 'well' as it can, anyway) on Friday. It may feel like quite a surreal experience - it's a lot to process. Keep talking on here if it helps; there are quite a few of us who have been in your shoes xx

I don't know if you're familiar with this poem (or, indeed, if you like poetry), but somebody on here shared this one with me after DW died and I found it comforting. I read it before I went to her funeral.

www.phys.unm.edu/~tw/fas/yits/archive/oliver_inblackwaterwoods.html

(Sorry - don't know how to do clicky links, but it's Mary Oliver's 'In Blackwater Woods' if you want to google it).

Oh lovey, it is so hard isn't it. My DH died two years ago, a week after DS had finished primary school. His first day off secondary school was such a mixture of emotions and I burst into tears when I dropped him off (just warning you)

My best advice is to take your time xx

All the best for Friday, DollyParsnip.

Funerals are for the living, and feeling you've done your best by your own wishes and what you think would be those of your DH will buoy you up.

My DH died suddenly and unexpectedly, so I feel for you.

Many

Thank you all for your continued support and kindness - @sanjunipero your poem is so extraordinary and beautiful, I will take it with me tomorrow.

We'll get through it, I know, I just want to do DH proud and to give DD the security she craves. This will take time, I know, and I send to those who have found themselves on this path.