Advice gratefully received

[Mogs43]

I do hope you don't mind my leaving a message - I live alone and so dont have anyone to speak to.

My father died during lockdown- there was just me and him so we were especially. He was buried in his hometown , in a cemetery close to where his mother, father and siblings are buried. Because of lockdown I wasn't able to visit (we lived hundreds of miles away). I am due to go up on fathers day but have been told by a relative that it is looking a mess - that the grass has grown long (I assume that the flowers from the funeral were probably there so groundsmen didn't cut it unlike the surrounding graves?) and looks unloved. I am heartbroken . It has been the hardest time in my life and I feel like I have let him down again- that I am completely useless and alone.

When I go I will try to clear it up but I feel so useless. Will have to get a non electric mower from somewhere or some cutting sheers on the train. His headstone has also been delayed because of difficulties getting granite from India. I know. it shouldn't matter but it does. I can't even do this right. I cant seem to make decisions or think clearly since he died. Everything feels pointless. It is nearly a year but in that time I have been completely alone and think I have just broken. I have been to my GP but there isn't a lot beyond medication they have been able to do. Waiting lists. for talking services are many years. - I have tried Cruise etc and paid privately for a therapist : because I feel so low they suggested the GP. Feels like I am going in circles, Has anyone else. experienced this and did it get better? I am sorry for troubling you.

I’m so sorry for your loss
I’m sure your father wouldn’t feel you had let him down, maybe the grounds men had left the grass because of the campaign for no mow May? It’s for the wildlife, perhaps when you get there it will be a bit neater but, if not, it’s just grass. Please don’t give yourself a hard time about some long grass. You haven’t let him down, be kind to yourself. I’m really not good with words so I hope someone more eloquent than me pops on.

@Mogs43
Oh, sweetheart
Please don’t feel like you have let your father down. If he was with you now, hand on heart, would he honestly be disappointed or cross? Genuinely, I don’t think he would be. He’d probably want to hug you and tell you he understands.
You are not useless. Lockdown has taken its toll on a lot of us in one way or another - this happens to be your way. You are conscious of what you see as ‘an issue’ (the weeds and long grass) and I understand that and I reckon that speaks volumes actually! That tells me you’ve got a conscience, a good heart, that you still want the best for your Dad. The weeds growing and the grass getting taller is perfectly natural and can be resolved when you’re ready to deal with it.

For my own reasons I have been down on myself (health related) and come through the other side. I learned to try and see the positive in situations. It’s not easy and takes an awful lot of concentration at times but I’m getting there....I hope over time, you do to.

Give time time xx

OP, have a big hug from me. You have been bereaved at the worst possible time, living alone with your grief during lockdown. That’s enough to break the strongest person.
Don’t fret about details like your dad’s grave. That is only a marker, a place to mourn. Your dad would be the first to tell you that it doesn’t matter, and that you haven’t let him down at all.
Let yourself cry, OP. Accept your feelings and your need to grieve, as you come to terms with your loss.
It takes a long time, and you may go through every emotion - from anger, sadness, denial to inappropriate guilt - but you will eventually reach a place where you remember your dad with smiles and love, not tears.
Grief is not forever. But love is.
God bless, OP.

@Mogs43

I'm also jumping in to offer a handhold. Please try not to feel you've let your dad down - I know that sounds easy for me to say, but I do know how you feel. I lost my darling mum last year too and I spend a lot of time mentally beating myself up for things I didn't do/haven't done. I also live hundreds of miles from her home and have barely been able to get back to her house to sort things out properly because of covid.

This is a hellish time for everyone but for the newly bereaved it's been a complete nightmare. PPs are right. You are grieving and you need to go through these emotions, which are so very hard. You aren't useless, you're dealing with something that's incredibly painful and difficult. Your dad would understand and surely wouldn't want you to pile extra pressure on yourself.

You are going to pay a visit. You're going to be with him, perhaps sit quietly and remember all the good and happy things about him. Maybe take a small posy of flowers to leave. Don't worry about the grass or anything else, that's just nature doing what nature does. Your dad is still there in your heart and always will be, nothing can alter that.

from me to you