Three years on, I'm so very sad today.

[PermanentTemporary]

My husband died in February 2018. My life is pretty normal now. But today is a very sad day. I went to the grave and tidied it up, and looked at all the new graves that have arrived near his since his death. Feeling very lost.

It's as if the memories have lost their colour and power. He's a decomposing body in a grave. He lost so many years of life. And I'm fine. I can't really deal with that.

I'm so sorry It is wonderful that he was (and is) so very loved and remembered by you and no doubt others.

I can't begin to imagine the sadness that comes with him not being alive any more and having to carry on without him beside you. Just know that you're allowed very sad days, happy days and everything in between.

((((HUG))))

The loss can just hit you out of the blue & some 'anniversaries' are harder than others

It's ok to feel however you feel at any time. Grief isn't linear. 💐

I'm so sorry op... anniversaries are always so tough

The older I get the more I realise the complete randomness of life and death. Nobody knows what hand they will be dealt. So much is luck, accident of birth, wrong place wrong time, right place right time... and life can turn on a sixpence.
But that is the nature of this time on earth too - and we don't have to feel guilt about our hand either. You are allowed to be fine. I am sure your husband would be so pleased to know that you are in fact fine.

Go easy on yourself

It is sad and I feel to you. I don’t think death is sad when you die, I don’t believe you know your dead, just like you don’t know the minutes passing in the night when you are asleep. Death is sad for those who are still behind and missing the person.

I can’t imagine how you must be feeling but you have managed a few years behind you now and that’s good. I think it’s perfectly ok to be sad, just as long as it doesn’t start to interfere with your own life on a considerably large basis over a long period of time. Days here and there are always bound to happen.

Give yourself today, it’s a sad day. Maybe tomorrow you will wake up less sad. Memories come and go, you won’t loose them forever.

I have no words

I know how you feel. I lost my husband suddenly when he was 51. Our kids were 4 and 6. It's 12 years ago now and I still occasionally have a cry about it.
I miss him, I miss the life we should have had and I miss that my children will not have the benefit of knowing him.
It's my responsibility to see our children grow to be confident, independent adults, and sometimes that's all that gets me out of bed in the morning, but I am so grateful I have them.

So sorry for your loss OP. Sending love and hugs

I'm really touched that you all responded. Thank you x

My husband died nearly five years ago, and this last year has been very hard. Oddly, anniversaries are always good, I meet DD, have a meal and it's jolly.

It's just everything else.

I'm sometimes struck afresh with the realisation that that personality is gone forever. When he died I thought of how if I lived to my mother's age, I would have lived longer without him than with him.

So very sorry for your loss, PermanentTemporary

@echt thank you. It's an odd stage this - past the first year/2 years. It's not that people think I must be over it by now, they're all v sensitive and thoughtful. I kind of am over it, in that life has gone on, ds and I have done a distinct chunk of life now, im doing fine, things have happened that he couldn't have predicted. Also I'm now seeing someone else. I do think for me that has made me feel sadder in a way, that I'm not in love with him any more. I used to have - not visions but kind of occasional imaginings about him being next to me - usually comforting me in some way. That hasn't happened for a while.

Even more that I have a friend, not terribly close but I've known her a long time, and she has never looked at another man after her husband died 12 years ago. She still describes herself as in love with him. I should be able to say that every bereavement is different, but I'm both horrified by that and shamed by it.

OP
Please don't be ashamed

Oddly enough, I've been on the phone to a friend tonight who was clearly very surprised about me being over a bereavement and not needing counselling.

There's probably judgement 🤷🏻‍♀️

For my part, I think some people like to analyse their situations more than I do. That's fine for them.

If all is well, then yay, all is well
We don't get to say that all the time, so let's enjoy the times we can

@PermanentTemporary I'm so sorry about your lovely husband and so sorry you had such a difficult day. My own beautiful DH died almost 7 months ago. I really don't think you should feel guilty or ashamed though - I am certain your DH would want you to have found happiness and love again. I know mine would, and I know I hope to one day. for you. This pain is unbearable and I have so much admiration for everyone who has gone through it.

Oh @peachgreen that's very recent. I'm so sorry. I hope you find patches of reasonable life soon - as @Ostara212 says, nobody has that many of them in life, so grab them when they appear

I’m sorry that you’re having such a tough time.

My friend’s wife died very suddenly 15 years ago. I know that he still loves her but he also loves me. I encourage him to talk about her and we take flowers to her grave together. I expect that he will always love her but that doesn’t diminish his feelings for me.

I don’t think that seeing someone else necessarily means that you’re no longer in love with your husband. They’re not exclusive. Even if you fall in love with someone else your heart can hold both.

Those we love are always with us.

OP, I'm so sorry. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It's so unfair that your dh lost so many years of life, but the reality is that, you are the one who is still here, and your life has to go on.

I had a health scare recently - possible cancer, though thankfully it turned out not to be. My biggest worry was about how it would affect my loved ones if I died. I wasn't scared for myself - after all, life has to end at some point for all of us - but I was terrified of what life would be like for those I left behind. I desperately wanted to know that they would be fine, that they would get on and enjoy their lives without me. I'm sure that your dh would be glad that you have rebuilt your life after losing him. Living a full and happy life is perhaps the greatest thing that you can do to honour his memory.

I'm sure that there will always be sad days. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a happier one.

@Pebble21uk I completely agree with what you have said. You just have no idea what life has in store for you, it can be and is incredibly unfair.

Your husband would want you to be happy, even if it is tough. Think of all the happy times you shared, rather than a grave. A grave does not define who he was as a person, he will always be your lovely husband. You have every right to live a nice happy life as well.

@PermanentTemporary

My husband died in February 2018. My life is pretty normal now. But today is a very sad day. I went to the grave and tidied it up, and looked at all the new graves that have arrived near his since his death. Feeling very lost.

It's as if the memories have lost their colour and power. He's a decomposing body in a grave. He lost so many years of life. And I'm fine. I can't really deal with that.

My son died in November 2017. I have been to hell and back since that night when he died, and I long for him so much that it hurts, but I am starting to get on with life again. I just think he would be so sad if he could see me not coping and I would not want that. He's there in my heart always and I am sure he is my guardian angel, but he is not here now and I am, so I will live my best life knowing it would make him happy. Bless you OP x x You will find a way of living but it won't be the same as it was, it will simply be different and it will get better for you.

@Gymsmile21.What you said makes a lot of sense. I lost my son 10 years ago at age 23. It was very unexpected. He said goodnite to me and I found him gone in his bed. I am still waiting for time to heal or at least to ease the hurt. It does not and I miss him more each day. I take one solace now, being 70 years old I don't have much more time to miss him.