Lost my nan and I feel like I'm overreacting

[FeelSoLostNow]

Hi everyone,

My lovely nan passed away about three weeks ago quite suddenly. She had been in hospital for a fairly routine procedure but then her condition suddenly declined and she was gone. I'm finding it really hard to cope, but I feel as though this might be an overreaction.

I had just started a new job when she took a turn for the worse and took a day of compassionate leave on my second day as we were allowed into the hospital to visit her - I'm really glad I did, as this is the last time she was sort of responsive and I was able to speak to her about how much she meant to all of us. I was also with her when she passed away at the end of that week and we all stayed with her for around two hours afterwards as I don't think any of us could bear to leave her.

I feel that she was the one who held us all together and she played such a central role in my life, especially when I was very young. My whole family is really struggling with the loss. She was 84, and I do feel lucky to have had her for the time that we did, but she always seemed so robust and I thought she would live until 90, 95, even 100. I thought she would be there forever, and I keep thinking about things she won't ever see now - weddings, great-grandchildren, and so on.

I feel completely bereft and can't focus on anything, but when I've told people about what's happened, I get 'aww' responses, almost like it's a really insignificant thing? A person I volunteer with seems to be actively annoyed by it and keeps giving me extra tasks to do, which I feel I can't say no to, as I don't want to milk it. I've got two jobs and a really busy period coming up over the next couple of weeks in one of them, and I'm still trying to settle into the other one and get my head into it.

We had the funeral last week and I feel as though it's hitting me now that my lovely nan isn't here any more. Not really sure what I'm asking by posting, but it helps to get it down, I think.

Thank you for reading

When my Nanna died it broke my heart. She was the kindest, most loving person I have ever known - more like a mother to me really.
She was well into her nineties and infirm, but she was still my Nanna.
When someone has been there all of your life you somehow think they will be there for ever and when they die it is such a shock.
Talk about her and take time to be kind to yourself is all I can think to say.
Celebrate her, don't mourn her - she wouldn't want that I am sure x x

Your love for your Nan shines through your post. I'm sorry that you lost her, I'm sure she must have been very proud of you.

When you've loved someone for such a long time as your Nan, of course you are going to miss her and feel sad. It's natural to feel like that.

Bit by bit you will learn to live around the gap she has left, and smile again. How lovely for her, to have been so cared for and loved by yourself. Here listening if you want to talk some more about her.

I lost three of my grandparents in my 30s. It was really upsetting. Even when they are old, if you’re an adult too and you were close, it’s a huge loss. It’s okay not to be okay in these circumstances. Learn to say know to the pushy woman! Practice “that doesn’t work for me”. Give yourself time.

Thank you all so much for your responses and I'm so sorry for your losses too

@Anordinarymum I'm so sorry, your Nanna sounds so lovely. I feel exactly the same - we spent so much time with her when we were growing up that she did feel like more of a mother figure to us really. And you really do sort of think (subconsciously, maybe) that they'll always be there, because the alternative is just too awful, contemplating life without them. They're such a constant feature of our lives.

She was the kindest, gentlest soul who was also absolutely up for anything and wanted to be involved in it all. DP and I moved into our first home together back in February, so during lockdown, and I feel so sad that she hasn't got to see it in person. We showed her around on Facetime, and my sister said that when she visited, before we had moved in, our nan was always looking at the Rightmove advert to see the pictures because she was so excited . We were actually visiting her when we got the call to say we had the mortgage, which had all been looking a bit shaky up until that point, so I'm so pleased that she was involved even in that small way.

I think, even though she was elderly, she didn't seem old and I sort of feel as though all of those plans that we had have been taken away. I was so looking forward to spending more time with her with lockdown lifting, and in my previous job it wasn't safe to see her very much, because of exposure to so many people and I was so worried about passing covid on to her. I wish I'd made more of that time, but it's not helpful to think like that now.

@EchoCardioGran thank you for your lovely words, I'm welling up again! I always told her I loved her at the end of every call, even though she wasn't really one for sentimental things like that necessarily, but her love showed through all sorts of other ways, in everything she did for us all. Before I left for the hospital that day, something made me take the bracelet she gave me for my 21st birthday - she had been given it for her 21st and passed it on to me - and I'm really glad I did, because I could talk to her about it and about how much we loved her, and then later when she wasn't so responsive I could wear it and feel close to her. I think it's going to take time to come to terms with the fact that now she exists in our thoughts and memories, and that my future children will only know her from our stories and pictures. It still feels as though I could pick up the phone to her and she would be there.

@ThePontiacBandit I'm so sorry for your losses. I'm trying to keep as busy as I can stand at the moment (some things can give and some can't, if you see what I mean?) and you're right about saying no. I'm not very good at saying it even at the best of times! Something to work on

Thank you all so much, I really appreciate your replies.

Gosh, that was a long post, I'm sorry

@FeelSoLostNow Aw don't be sorry! It's so nice to hear about your Nan. I know she will leave a big gap but listen, she knew that you were going to be "ok" and doing well! I hope that I last long enough for my grandchildren to be on the same road as yourself, then I'll sleep easy!

Talk about her with your children, tell funny stories. I love that you have a bracelet from her. I was mainly brought up by my grandparents (long story). Many decades on I still think about them often, but with a warm glow and a smile. She obviously cherished you so much and you are a part of her too. It's a bit of a cliche, but time does make it a bit easier I promise. Always about if you need to talk a bit. Big virtual hug to you, if that's ok.

You're not over-reacting. Grief comes in waves and it will return to you again. Just do your best to get through each day, it might be hard or strange at times. I lost my mum 4 years ago and in the early weeks I was quite obsessed with where she was. My mind could not comprehend it at all, it takes time and it's not easy.

My grandma was the closest person to me in the world, knew me better than anyone. It’s been 15 years but I still think of her every day and can still hear her voice. I had a shit life before she died but am so happy now.. I just wish I could tell her.

I found the sadness is still there but not all consuming as it was at first. I have a lovely photo of her on my dressing table.

You aren't over reacting, I lost my grandma in January. She fell in November and never got out of a nursing home after hospital discharge. None of us saw her after she fell. The last time I saw her was a year ago. I didn't feel safe going to see them last autumn as I am nhs and cases were going up. I have made my peace with that but I can't really see to type for tears now
It has broken my heart. She was a huge influence on me. I have filled my house with her things and I talk to them. I wear the ring she left me every day. I have adjusted somewhat and you will too but it's a huge, huge loss and don't look for short cuts. There are none. It just has to hurt.

I found the Taylor Swift song Marjorie, which is about her grandma, very helpful too. It sort of sums up the scale of the loss and also how somebody who has formed you can't ever be really lost to you.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=hP6QpMeSG6s