I think I made the wrong decision

[Franta]

My Nan passed away a few weeks ago. We were extremely close and when I had the choice to go to the chapel of rest, I decided to go as I thought it would be nice to spend some quite time with her to say goodbye.

I think now, a few hours later I regret it. In a way it did help me understand that all I was viewing was a body and my Nan had gone, but the way she looked has really freaked me out and I’m worried it will take over my memories of the times we had together.

Has anyone else felt like this and later felt it was the right decision to go? Her funeral is tomorrow and I’m hoping that will help me put the nice images I have of her back in my head.

I’m very sorry for your loss

The first time I went to see someone in the chapel of rest it freaked me out too. It’s pretty scary tbh to see someone dead for the first time.
But it hasn’t tarnished my thoughts or my memories of this person.
I think in time once you’ve processed your grief some more you will realise it was the right thing to do, for you.

Take care

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I was utterly terrified when I viewed my aunty that she’d come back to life despite that being all I wished for. Seeing her was traumatic but ultimately gave me ‘peace’ as it helped me let go of the hope that it had all been a big mistake and it wasn’t her. I’d never seen a body before, and whilst I knew it was her it didn’t look like her as she did when alive. I actually ended up going again to see her to say goodbye alone, as I felt like I needed to see her one last time.

It’s been 6 years now since she died, and I don’t remember what she looked like afterwards, I just remember all of the love and her. I’m stood here typing with a little smile on my face remembering her and how lucky I was to have such an amazing aunt 💕

I'm really sorry for your loss franta. I think it's important to remember that you are grieving and trying to process what has happened so you're bound to feel a bit anxious and to second guess whether it was the right thing to do.

I'm sure you'll feel different after the funeral because you will have moved on to the next stage if that makes sense xx

@Franta I'm so sorry for the loss of your gran. Please don't worry that your memories of her will be taken over, I felt like this too when I saw each of my grandparents after they passed.

For me, the level of the shock I experienced to their deaths correlated with how long it took me to adjust to the experience of seeing their bodies. But in all cases, as time passed and I adjusted to the grief, these memories faded and now whenever I think of them of them its when they were alive.

I'm sure it will be the case for you, too. The shock of viewing your nans body takes time to settle as you process her passing, but it will do and you'll be left with all your wonderful memories of her.

I felt similarly with my Nan. Several years on, I don't remember what she looked like then. I just remember that they did an awful makeup job on her!

I'm so sorry that your Nan died. I hope the funeral brings some comfort.

We were with Mum when she died. We stayed with her for a couple of minute, then asked to sit in the visitors room for ten minutes while they removed the equipment (monitor and such like)

When we went back, ( sister BIL, my adult child and me) it was .... Well, off is the only way to describe it. It just wasn't Mum anymore. I don't think we lingered more than another five minutes, and none of us went to see her in the chapel of rest.

It just wasn't my Mum, though clearly it was her dead body.

It convinced me that seeing a dead loved one held no comfort for me, though I accept others feel differently.

It didn't colour how I thought of my Mum, it did make me think that there is something more (not necessarily spiritual) that makes us,us. I don't know just what it is,but whatever made Mum, Mum, had left when she died.

I hope that he!ps OP. My Mum was very important to all of us, but especially to my daughter.

Sorry for your loss.

I regret seeing all my now deceased grandparents in the hours before deaths in the hospital. They looked nothing like themselves. It was a difficult experience, particularly with one who had had a huge stroke. None of them knew I was there I don't think but it it definitely the first image I see in my mind when thinking of them. Which is upsetting for me and probably not what they would have wanted.

Sorry that it's undoable. I try to focus on nice memories but it doesn't always work. I can imagine the chapel of rest experience was even worse.

After I saw my Nana for a short while I could only remember her being ill/seeing her in the Chapel of rest, but looking at photos and thinking of old memories did help it to pass.

Sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss @Franta.
I had the same experience when my dad died 20 years ago. I felt exactly as you described. It wasn't my dad I was seeing. I found it very upsetting.
It took me a while to get over and it did overshadowed my memories of him for a while. but my memories of my dad have come back and the experience is now pushed into the back of my mind and not relevant.
Other people I have been close to have died since and I know I don't need to see the empty shell of the body to be able to say goodbye.

I'm sorry for your loss.
My husband felt exactly the same as you.
After his dad died the hospital staff cleaned him up and took the tubes etc away and asked if any of them wanted to see him again.
Dh went in and regretted it, it took him a long time to get past that image.
I'm not sure what to suggest other than if you have videos and pictures of happier times to look at?
There are also some good techniques for stopping negative thoughts about.

Everyone grieves differently, nothing you feel is wrong.

I went to see DM. I had been with her when she died, but visiting her in the chapel of rest left me feeling odd too as it really wasn't her. She looked like a waxwork approximation. People do look different after death, and it doesn't help when their makeup has been done differently to how the person did it themselves. TBH I didn't want to go, but no one else was and I felt someone needed to go and check she'd been looked after properly. That was 6yrs ago now, and although it wasn't a good experience I'm glad I went and would again in the same situation. I just wasn't expecting her to look so different, but if I needed to visit someone else in the future I'd feel better prepared for that.

Thank you everyone who replied to this. It has offered me much comfort to know that I’m not the only one who found the whole process a bit freaky.
The funeral was yesterday and a day full of happy memories has helped replace that image from the chapel of rest.
I’m very grateful to everyone here who reached out.. you really did make me feel much better about the situation. D

I have only visited a chapel of rest once when my grandfather died. I was in my twenties. I chose not to go back and see my husband after he had died. Never regretted my decision.
If a loved one has died and you weren’t with them at the time then it may help with the grieving process.

I feel the same but the other way round. I lost my dad in October (sudden death) and we were advised not to see him. I was fine with that at the time. However, now, some six months later I feel terrible about it, I should have seen him, should have said goodbye. He was there all alone. His partner told me what he looked like so I think its better I didn't see him but still, I feel like I've let him down.

I regret going to see my Dad, he died suddenly from a ruptured aneurysm and I thought that seeing him would help the shock.
8 years on and I'm still haunted by the sight, I could see crude stitches right across the top of his head from the post mortem and he was dressed in a pale blue satin shroud, he looked nothing like the lovely man I knew and I so wish my last memories were of me watching him hold my newborn daughter.

I’m sorry for your loss op. I went to see my dad a few weeks ago... the hospital hadn’t looked after him and there were several disturbing things with his appearance in the chapel of rest. I worried it would end up staying with me, those images, but so far they haven’t. It kind of helped me with the funeral and cremation as, although I was deeply sad, I looked at the coffin and knew that it was time for the body to go. That wasn’t my dad anymore. I hope time is kind to you x

When I saw a family member after they’d died, it did make me, like you, understand I was just seeing a body. I was also extremely close to my grandma and I have a photo of her on my dressing table and other places. This is how I remember her. If I were you, I’d put photos of her everywhere- you’ll remember her perfectly that way x

My family can be quite harsh about death. No scattering ashes etc. But in some ways I think that’s because we focus on the person not the vessel- we carry our loved ones in our hearts. Try to focus on what you experienced and the love that you shared.

I remember this feeling with my dad. I decided to go and those minutes will stay with me forever and did occupy my mind for a while. But now when I think back I don't think of him like that unless I specifically think about the funeral and his death, the memories of his life are much much stronger. And it helped me process it all I think. I think you'll probably be glad you went or at least neutral about it eventually. Take care, tough times x