Hospital admit failures - now feel worse

[Chompiemompie]

Hi everyone.

I lost my dad in early January.
He was admitted to hospital on boxing day - I wasn't allowed home at xmas with restrictions so I didn't see him from Xmas 2019. I live in another region of the UK so travel restricted due to covid.
He was admitted with confusion and deliurum with COPD. We knew dad was very ill and for months knew he was detoriating but the end was still a shock.

We didn't get to speak to or see him for his last 2 weeks after he was admitted. His mobile stopped working and despite pleading daily with the ward to help us, they didn't. We weren't allowed to visit and see him but left a new phone down to the ward. My dad heard my brothers voice and was calling out for him but he wasn't allowed in due to covid restrictions. We understood this but it was upsetting.

We still couldn't get through to him on the new phone and I was onto the ward crying everyday, pleading with them to help out, get his phone gojng or bring a ward phone to him. They simply didn't.
I asked about seeing him but told no.

There was a whole load of other things - doctors saying they would ca back with updates etc but they didn't.

We were shocked to get a call from hospital early one morning that he was detoriating rapidly and to make our way to hospital. I couldn't as I need to catch ferries etc. My siblings and mum rushed to hospital. My sister went into the ward but couldn't see any staff so went to the bay where he was to find him dead, sprawled on bed with eyes open. She freaked out but staff left her there on her own with him for 30 minutes until mum got there. No-one came to her, despite my sister sitting sobbing beside him in a ward with 5 other people.
Other things happened like his body being released when it shouldn't have been, them contacting us 2 days before funeral saying we had to arrange to get body back for a post mortem etc.
They lost his possessions for 2 weeks but eventually we got them back. There was the new mobile phone, still in its box. They had never attempted to give it to him so we could talk.
We asked to see his medical records and found that he had 5 falls in the last week of his life - they hadn't told us about them.
His time of death was recorded as 10 minutes before the family were asked to come to the hospital so they had 40 minutes to prepare his body before my sister got there.

We put in 7 complaints which the health Trust have upheld.
We now have been told that he had been moved to end of life care 3 days before he died but no- one told us. We could have been with him. We could have seen him to say goodbye.

I am devastated. They have said sorry, lessons learned etc

I am so angry and hurt that they denied us and him the chance to be together. My mother has been just OK but this news has rocked her. How could they all not have known his family needed to know he was dying?
Somehow their apology and now finding all this out has made it worse.
I haven't stopped crying over the weekend but now that they have admitted that his standard of care was not met and that they failed him and us, we are just meant to accept that and move on.

I just wanted to vent as I am trying to be the calm one for everyone else but I feel like screaming.

Jesus, that's horrific. I don't know what to say apart from I'm so sorry for you all and for your dad. Terrible lack of care. People who are nurses, etc shouldn't need to "learn lessons" that such lack of care and compassion is unacceptable.

Horrific OP, just horrific. None of you should have experienced that.
Appalling failure on behalf of the hospital.

No wonder you feel like this, it is horrific and I feel so sorry for you and all your family and your dad.
I cannot believe the things you've written. Can you sue? If there was something you could she them for, I definitely would.

As for how you feel, I imagine you are going to need therapy of some sort. Anyone would. for you x

Op I am so sorry.

I would go big in the media with this. No holds barred. Absolutely abhorrent and the only way people will be held accountable - and I mean heads rolling, not a piss-poor ‘sorry not sorry’.

Sorry for your loss, OP. He deserved so much better.

We were fully expecting them to deny responsibility for failures and to see that they e accepted them all was shocking

I am so very sorry to hear your awful experience. Unfortunately you are not alone - the lack of visiting during Covid combined with hospitals doing sweet F all to make sure they stay in touch with families has resulted in terrible harm being done.

Thank you for complaining and forcing the hospital to admit guilt. It will have done some good.

Fucking hell lass, that's brutal.
So sorry for your loss

OP I'm so sorry for your and your family's loss and trauma. On top of it you now have to contend with this unexpected response. Perhaps some part of you thought that it would be easier to deal with if the hospital admitted their failings? But now you are discovering that actually it is the horrendous events themselves that are causing you distress? Take your time to reflect on your feelings about this. I agree with a pp that counselling could be useful here before you consider where you go from here, if anywhere.

Oh I’m so sorry to read this. I hope in time you come to regard his whole life and that you all clearly loved each other and that is more than what happened at the end. There would have been kindness shown to him, even if the hospital were atrocious in how they handled it. Take care of yourself - that’s a hard acceptance your facing.

Op my dad died (also copd) in February. A good 10 years too early. I'm so sorry for your loss. My story, although not quite as horrific as yours is similar. I honestly think older people are dying in the hospitals because family are being kept at arms length. It is near impossible to get information and I was not allowed to visit even the evening before he died. It wasn't until I raised the alarm with the hospital that my dad wasn't normally at all confused that they realised he was hypoxic and he was clearly very unwell when they were talking about discharge instead of actually treating him aggressively. By the time they put him on the aggressive antibiotics it was too late. They had been happily proceeding on the basis that he had dementia (he didn't).

In these times every ward needs a family liaison nurse whose job is to deal with all of this sort of thing.

Your poor dad and you all, that is truly shocking.

@helpmemakeit. I am so sorry for your poor dad and you. It is so sad. I am sorry you have been robbed of all that time with him.have you made a complaint?

There was something similar with dad, in that his confusion / delirium was not "him" and it was why he was admitted. When we could get through, we stressed how unusual it was for him and our concerns but they just kept talking as if he had dementia. He didn't. They didn't listen to us.
.
I have a record of every attempted call to them. The night before he died, I tried 12 times to get through to the ward, planing on kicking up a stink as we hadn't a clue what was happening with him. I gave up at 10pm. I wish I hadn't.
A neighbour is a porter in the hospital happened to be on the ward and was shocked at how dad was with cuts and bruises to his face, arms and hands. The neighbour told mum, hence why I was calling.

I am left with the idea My dad died not knowing that we were desperate to speak to him. I also am left with doubts that care was shown to him and given they gave accepted they failed him, I really don't think it happened.

I agree there needs to be some kind of family liason officer who is responsible for ensuring contact.

I know covid us incredibly serious and understand why there was limits but it doesn't excuse all that happened.

Please if you've had an experience like this report it to the hospital, or to your local Healthwatch. It has to stop.

I’m so sorry this happened to your family.

I would look at grief counselling (eg Cruise charity) as it sounds like there will be so many emotions.

I am so so sorry OP this is just awful and I can completely understand that you must be going through all sorts of emotions and I think this will be a very difficult time for you and your family.

My FIL was in hospital with cancer while covid was at its height and we experienced some very similar things to you with regards to getting no information and not being able to speak to him and it was a horrendous time. They did a major operation on his spine without notifying us or letting us know he was out of theatre etc and they moved him around three hospitals in the area without letting us know either so often we didn't know what hospital he was in plus when they moved him they didn't take his charger or belongings so that sent us back to square one. Whenever we did get through to him on his mobile he was delirious and we then couldn't reach a nurse to understand what was happening. It was a very very horrible time for me and my family. Luckily he survived that experience and came home after seven weeks but he was very very traumatised by the whole thing as were we.

All I can say is I'm so sorry you didn't get the chance to say goodbye but remember he knew how loved he was. I hope you find some way to accept it but it will be very hard I am sure. What an awful time. Sending you and your family lots of love and strength.

Shocking stories. I have witnessed some very poor care/ bad situations over 35 years of Nursing and at times it has just been due to staff being completely overwhelmed but this is at another level.
I'm not sure how you move on from this knowing that your dad died alone and frightened. I'm so sorry you have gone through this.

I am so very sorry for you and your family , your poor dad .
This is one of the most upsetting things i have read on here , absolutely unforgivable .
I have experienced similar with a family member , no way near as bad as your experience , but upsetting at the time , ironically i also saw examples of wonderful nursing ,she was in 2 different wards during her stay , the difference between the 2 was shocking, i too was given an apology and an acknowledgement of failure in duty of care .
I know there are amazing people in the nhs ,but sadly there are some people who aren't .
I hope you and your family find some kind of peace.

I am so sorry for what you have gone through. My father died in July of last year - caught Covid whilst an inpatient. His care was awful (will spare you the details). I raised a formal complaint with the Trust. They have partly responded (investigation ongoing). In part its good (they have made some physical improvements to the environment on the ward, changed the senior staff (they concluded the role was too big for one person and they couldn't cope) but they also found evidence of racism on the ward (that my father and others weren't treated the same as other patients because of their ethnicity). I was really shocked by this and claims that because we had complained about his care he had been treated worse. It has really shaken me. Made. me feel that I shouldn't have complained/ only made things worse for him. Am planning to speak a therapist soon.
I have said all of this as I didn't want you to feel alone. I think deaths are often very hard to deal with but I think when people have died during the pandemic it has been particularly hard. Many people haven't had the support they would normally have and have felt helpless. I am sorry you have had such an awful time.

This is so so sad. I’m so sorry you’ve had such a horrendous experience OP. Xx

I am just so so sorry. That is horrific, indefensible, a complete breakdown in care.

He deserved more, and so did you all.

Is that the end of this it now with the hospital, or is there more action you can take?

Be so very kind to yourself x

I am so sorry OP, this is heartbreaking and completely indefensible. I don’t know what to say, but I hope you can all support each other through this. Your poor Dad.

I am so, so sorry. This is a terrible litany of failure.

I lost my dad January 2019, he was in a 6 bed bay that had been designed for 4 beds, there was less than 3 feet between the beds. He had been admitted with renal failure, every time we visited it was impossible to sit near him as there wasn't room between the beds, there was no privacy, once we knew my dad's condition was terminal we asked for him to be moved to a side ward but the hospital refused. My mum & brother had to stand in a corridor with no privacy to discuss my dad having a DNAR & how long he had left. The day before he died he was laid in a pool of blood as his arms were bleeding from him scratching, his liver was failing as his body was shutting down & causing the itching. It was decided to put him on a syringe driver to sedate him & give him pain relief, it took them 6 hours to get it set up. The morning he died they didn't ring us until 8.00am despite them knowing he was in his last hours from 6.00am, we were fighting our way through traffic & by the ime we arrived at 9.00am he had already passed away.

We should have complained. If I was you I would complain, send a letter to Pals & send a copy to your local MP because the hospital will close ranks & back each other up. Covid is being used as n excuse for too many cases of bad care.

So sorry for your loss OP and everyone else who has lost a loved one.
I am a nurse and at my hospital every ward was issued with 2 brand new iPads for patients to receive zoom calls from family. It was a tick box on our handover sheet to make sure a call was offered each day. When I asked who had organised this (as it was such a lovely idea) I was told they came from the money raised by Sir Captain Tom. I thought every hospital had been given these or at least some money to put towards patient care. This came in at the end of the first wave to be fair but when patients were palliative relatives were still invited in unless shielding. We also have bedside phones at every bed and a portable ward phone so patients could talk to their family. I am shocked and disgusted at the treatment some of you have experienced. I have also been doing this job long enough I know that not every area is the same. We had a very good matron who was passionate about good nursing care. I would urge you to take this as high as you can. You can report directly to the CQC on their website. This should not be happening wether we are in a pandemic or not