How best to support dh through this?

[ejt1764]

My DH is an only child, but he has a first cousin he is very close to - he is from a farming family, and spent most of his free time over at the farm with his cousin - so grew up with him.

In February of this year, his cousin was diagnosed with an aggressive, inoperable brain tumour, and given a 6 months life expectancy. They have tried radical new treatments to extend his life expectancy, but nothing has worked.

DH has been to see his cousin on a few occasions - we live an hour away, and I didn't go, as I was pg and suffering with hyperemesis earlier on in the pg and spd later on, so found sitting in the car almost impossible.

We had a phone call last night to say that his cousin is now very ill, and they don't think he'll live much longer. We are going to see him tomorrow - taking the baby too (who is now 6 weeks old) - I am going to be a support for dh, who has always been my rock when I have needed him.

How else can I support him? I have never been in this situation before.

DH's cousin is only 45, and has 2 children of his own (both teenagers). The older of the 2 has had to take on running the farm (he is only 17, and did his GCSEs in the summer).

Also, our ds is 5 - and we are in a quandary as to whether to take him to see the cousin tomorrow. What do you think?

Oh honey how terrible. Always really really upsetting to watch someone you care about go through this and also to watch your dh struggle. I have read this as how to support your dh rather than his cousin? I think the best thing you can do is to be there to listen when he needs to talk. Which he may need to do lots immediately or he may just want to be held and not talk for a while. So I would tel your dh that you're here for him whenever he wants to talk about it. One thing I know that people who have been through this have said (I am very lucky not to have lost anyone close to me) is that they really appreciate being able to talk openly about it as lots of people back off as they are not comfortable talking about death and dying and are also scared to upset the person concerned. Actually its often more upsetting to have people withdraw like this and not let you acknowledge how devastated you are. On a more practical note I think letting him know that if he needs to go see his cousin at short notice he needn't worry about you and the children - that you will look after them so he can spend as much time as he needs with his cousin at the mo (obviously assuming you are able to manage this - I think your spd is better now and you have been looking after both children on your own but haven't heard you talk about it for a while?)

As to whether to take your ds or not its more of a tricky one. Children I think are often more resiliant in this sort of situation than adults and often lighten the situation by saying things that adults wouldn't get away with (I apparently told my Granny that she would find it very hard to be on her own when my grandpa died when I was about 3!) I also think its not necessarily a bad thing if he did get upset as at some point children need to learn that this happens - have no idea if this is too soon but I would say its probably as good a time as any. But you know your ds better than me - I would say go with your gut reaction. No right or wrong answer really - sorry to be so waffly.

Thinking of you honey - hope tomorrow goes OK for you. WIll be on later if you have anmore questions that I can help you with and sending you and dh big hugs xxx

Thanks Alice - it is dh that I need to support through this - his cousin has his family around him, and the MacMillan nurses are being superb support for them. I really admire anybody who does that job.

You're right, I will make sure that dh knows that he can go and see C at a moment's notice - I sort of just assumed that he'd know ... goodness knows I tell him off for thinking I'm telepathic often enough - you'd think I'd realise!

As for taking ds, I'll talk about it to dh tonight - ds may be the one to lighten the mood! I know that's an awful think to say, but I know that MiL will be also there tomorrow - and she does tend to be a hand-wringer (Iykwim) ... if ds is there, she may be less inclined to do that.

DH was really upset last night - I haven't seen him like this since C's son died (aged 3, after heart surgery) 15 years ago. I did just cuddle him - he didn't particularly want to talk about it ... C is such a lovely down-to-earth person, and his partner and boys are lovely - C will be a loss to a lot of people.

Sounds like you're being a great support to your dh honey. Thinking of you and needless to say here for you if YOU need some support x