What things did people say that you wished they hadn't

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I have found the "What 1 thing" thread very helpful - because you always want to support friends when they are going through rough times, but it is often hard to find something to say.

I know I have said stupid things at times and I was wondering if it would be equally useful (and cathartic) to remember the awful things that people said - so that we know to avoid them!

I'll kick it off with "oh well, apparently everyone loses their second. It's your body's way of telling you it isn't ready yet."

triplets. I remember you posting about Matthew a while ago. ((((hugs))) to you.

I have to disagree with you 4kids. I would much rather people say something, even if it's just "I'm sorry", than to not say anything at all.

I'm new to Mumsnet, and so never caught the beginning of these posts, but this is the one that gets me the worst. "he was truly too beautiful for this world" Two people have said that to me after Cameron was born asleep in April 2001 at 38 weeks. I often wonder WHY was he too beautiful to stay with him Mom and Dad???

I also was asked a week after he died by a woman when I was due, as I was wearing a maternity dress (only thing that would fit). I replied that he had been born a week before, and after she left the ladies room completely fell to pieces. I do not ask anyone when they are due now, because you just don't know.

I also would rather someone said something to me at the time of his death than nothing at all. A kind word, a hug, a note to say you are being thought of, goes an awful long way.

Almost four years on, and no one remembers Cameron's anniversary anymore, like we have gotten over it. You don't ever get over the death of a child, you simply learn how to live around it. Take care, Karen x

I am going to bed now but to all of you on this thread who have lost someone precious - I am very sorry.

XXX

reply 2 janH i'm not saying its wrong 2 say sorry & i know alot of peps get comfort knowing pep care i get comfort frm it but personally i dont like it when pep say sorry 2 me . I'm not saying its wrong if pep say it 2 anyone else .I'de rather talk about it than brush it away by saying sorry.

repy 4kids - I can see where you are coming from. I think sorry is such an empty word sometimes. I belong to another support group for baby and pregnancy loss and I never say "sorry" any more, I always say "I'm so sad to hear..." Because I am truly sad to hear of anyone losing a child. This is something that I wrote:

Sorry

I?m sorry they said, he is gone.
I?m sorry, there is nothing that can be done.
I?m sorry, while we know what happened to him,
We don?t know why.

I?m so sorry, I said to my husband,
A look of horror and shock on his face,
Knowing that his firstborn son was not to be.

I?m sorry too, he said to me,
A helpless look on his face at the pain on mine.

I?m so sorry, the midwife said, as she handed us our beautiful boy.
Perfect, in every way. Creamy skin, beautiful thick dark hair,
Long, chubby fingers, his Daddy?s toes.

I?m so sorry, my mother said, as she held her grandson,
So many sorry?s from everyone.

I?m so sorry, I say to my son, each time I go to visit
To talk, to love, to share.

Sorry is such an empty word.

Like I said, in my post below, I would rather have people say something to me, than nothing, and really it is always "sorry" that people think to say, just comes from a society that doesn't know what to say in such awful circumstances. Take care, Karen x

when i miscarried at 11 weeks......i rang to tell my nan....she said 'i don't know why you are crying about it....it's not like it was a proper baby is it.........' that really hurt me.

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reply 2 secur & chipmunk secur i wasnt offended i thank u 4 using her name i always use her name when talking abt her she was a person . Dont b afraid 2 ask me abt Chardonnay{its good 2 talk}.2 chipmunk sorry is a empty word what u wrote is beautifull. I feel i have offended some peeps on this topic & i am trully sorry if i have. The topic WHAT THINGS PEOPLE SAY U WISH THEY HADNT all i was doing was saying what i hated i wasnt trying 2 spk 4 others. Again i,m sorry if i have caused offence 2 some of u it wasnt my intention.

I still remember sams actual due date and cry on that date even now

spacecadet I 2 was 17 when Chardonnay died inside i,m torn apart i 2 cry on certain dates . Ilook at my other kids & think she'll b doing that she should b doing this. Other people sometimes forget but 4 peeps who have lost its always there no matter how many years pass.My family never mention chardonnay they dont remember her bday or any other dates .When her bday comes & i mention it the subject is quickly changed that really hurts i feel i'm alone in this.

The same thing happens to me 4kids, I very quickly got preg again and now my eldest is 13 but I still think , I would have also had a 14 year old son too, I have been honest with my 2 elder kids and they know about their brother, but he is never mentioned by my family.

I 2 have been honest with my kids .My ds was born a week b4 Chardonnay's 1st bday peep couldnt understand why i had a kid so soon but my son is my saviour he's the reason i'm still here & now i have 3 more.

I had to have another baby, not to replace sam but to deal with the grief if that doesnt sound stupid, I became rather hysterical when I reached 26 weeks and had contractions after a cyclist knocked me down, but rest in hospital saw that stop but I did bet down and was convinced I would lose her, when I held her in my arms I couldnt beleive it, I didnt sleep all night just staring at her, she was and still is so precious she mended my broken heart, but I still did have to have counselling to deal with things properly about 4 years ago, I feel that I have finally laid him to rest but I always remember when he was born and the time he was due, it gets easier but you never forget.

All these posts are so sad.
i hate 'he was a good age'. I've lost six elderly relatives and they were all important not only to me but lots of other people too. My godmother's husband was 92, and it was STILL a huge shock. He wasn't ill and was still travelling and working. Other relatives have been ill, but death is always a shock, even when it's expected.

It's an insensitive comment because it implies that your loss doesn't matter because it was 'his turn'. They weren't just hanging around waiting to die. (And frankly, even if they had been, that's no excuse for such a crass comment).

Spacecadet- I dont think it has got easier 2 me its harder at first it felt numb then the anger,guilt and all my other emotions set in i still find it hard 2 come 2 terms with it i cope well if u call my life coping.I take things day by day put on a brave face so no ones any the wiser 2 how i really feel.I'm still having councelling 11yrs on & still feel the same.I agree when u say another baby helps deal with the grief another child can never replace the ones we lost but they can give us the reason 2 go on .When my dd2 was born 4yrs after Chardonnay i gave my dd2 chardonnay as her middle name in rememberance it was something i felt i had 2 do some people may disagree but i think its nice & my dd2 loves it.

When my ex DP committed suicide a few weeks after we'd broken up, someone said, "It must be terrible to think he took his life for you."

And his father had said, "For the four years that you and xxx were together, I use to go to my father's grave and apologize to him about xxx choosing you."

maomao- what horrible things peole can say i thnk alot of peoples brains are in there ar**.

When I had ds2 4 years ago, I developed pnd and it was only when I was having counselling that sam was talked about and I realised just how grief stricken I still was, the counselling helped, but I have pnd again after my dd2 and I find the grief occassionally bubbles up to the surface again, it does get easier for me.. but I will not and can not get over him completely, i feel that if i do then its like ive forgotten him...im rambling now...

Your not rambling sc, that makes perfect sense to me.

It makes perfect sence 2 me 2 we can never 4get i just need 2 come 2 terms with my loss.

This one was from my MIL

following an amonmoly scan which threw up a problem with my 1st pregnancy I was very upset at the time.. her response to this was..

"Gosh isn't that funny there's nothing like this in our family, are there many retards in yours?"

Jeeezus Bongo.
I don't think that I could ever forgive/forget a comment like that.
Have you?
Did she know what she was saying btw? Some older people use offensive terminology because they genuinely don't know any better.
Doesn't excuse it but just a thought.

bongobum..im horrified..you poor thing did your mil ever apologise?