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Bereavement

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Original poster

Bitter about lockdown easing

15 replies

Sturmundcalm · 13/04/2021 20:42

Don't really expect anyone to reply and that's fine - just feel the need to get this written down somewhere... If anyone else feels (or has felt) the same would be good to know I'm not alone though!

I'm in Scotland and today's announcement that 6 people from 6 households can meet up from Friday has left me really upset. While the bringing forward of restrictions easing is an enormous relief I'm also so sad, bitter and angry that my parents won't get to see it.

My mum had a terminal diagnosis at the end of 2019 and died at the end of last year; my dad died unexpectedly at the start of this year. Obviously we spent a chunk of last year knowing that my mum had very limited time left but with no opportunity to do the things she really wanted to - and so both my parents would talk about "when we're able to...". And now we really do seem to be heading towards being able to do stuff but they're not here, and I feel like I'm starting to grieve all over again.

I'm hoping that I'll get over this and be able to embrace being able to do things again but I really didn't expect to have such a strong reaction today and it's totally thrown me. My group of friends that I've known forever are meeting up this weekend and at the moment I've not committed to going because everyone else is so happy and relieved that I don't want to put a downer on things. I'm in tears typing this but feel like I can't talk about it IRL because it's been months and I should just get a grip.

OP posts:
CraazyCatLady · 13/04/2021 21:19

I'm so sorry to read your post that you've lost both of your parents in such a short space of time. That's so incredibly sad. Thanks
I understand how you feel in a way, even though my situation is different. Grief does make you really angry and feelings come in waves. When I trained to be a vet nurse, we studied grief, and there are 5 stages to it, and they are all very different.
My mum died of a brain tumour 4.5 years ago. It was so sudden. She was young, fit and healthy, then she was diagnosed with the tumour and told she had 1-2 years, which was horrible, but it was a period of time that we could do lots of nice things. She actually got really poorly very quickly and died within 3 months.
I felt so so angry that my mum died and missed out on so much. I felt angry about everyone else just getting on with their lives.
It's really hard. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. If you want to go out with your friends you can, without feeling guilty, but equally don't go if it's going to make you feel worse.
I like to think there's something else out there, so I'm sure your mum and dad will be together now and will be staying close to you.
So sorry for your losses again x

CraazyCatLady · 13/04/2021 21:26

Also, don't feel bad about talking to your friends. They'll want to know how you feel. That's what friends are for. I left before midnight the first New Year's Eve after my mum died, as I didn't want to celebrate the new year, as what's nice about a year without my mum in it? All my friends understood. So you can always see them for a bit and leave early if it gets too much.

You really shouldn't be over it either, and nobody will expect you to be. Although I remember thinking, I bet everyone thinks I should be over it. I don't think you ever get over losing a parent. I still cry about my mum now.

You've been through a really horrible time and you should be kind to yourself. Do you have any other family?

ElephantsNest · 13/04/2021 21:36

So sorry for your losses. Please be gentle on yourself. It’s been hardly any time at all. If I was your friend in real life I would listen and empathize. It’s fine to seek some real life support from someone you trust.

Or you could talk to Cruse bereavement care if it feels easier:
www.cruse.org.uk/get-help

Sending Flowers

ElephantsNest · 13/04/2021 21:37

Crossed post Crazycatlady. Flowers to you too

Original poster
Sturmundcalm · 14/04/2021 21:25

Thank you both - does help to have someone just acknowledge it all, and reassure me that I'm (kind of) normal. Have said to a couple of people in real life that I'm struggling with it all and while I've not had any great big heart to hearts or anything it does feel better to actually just say out loud.

Do feel slightly calmer today and will decide tomorrow whether I can face doing any of the things I've been asked to over the weekend. I do have family (siblings and a huge extended family as well as husband/kids) but unfortunately things are complicated with my in-laws at the moment as well, including a cancer diagnosis so still feeling the need to hold it together for other people to an extent which probably contributes to that feeling every so often of being totally overwhelmed...

OP posts:
PerkingFaintly · 14/04/2021 21:40

Ah OP I'm so sorry for your losses. Thanks

FWIW, what you've written makes perfect sense. And you're being frankly heroic being considerate about everyone else's feelings (happy or sad) on top of dealing with your own.

Maybe when your friends have got their first big post lockdown Hurrah out of the way, you'll be able to find a bit of quiet time with one or two, and let some of it out.

ElephantsNest · 14/04/2021 22:25

Totally normal! I am glad that things feel calmer today. It’s like that drill on a plane, about putting on your oxygen mask before helping others with theirs. If there are situations you can’t face at the moment, please do what you need to to support your well-being.

AhmenGwendolyn · 14/04/2021 22:32

Very normal, especially in these weird times.

Grief doesn't have a time line or a to do tick list.

Do what you feel is right for you, I think you should see your friends, they will miss you and you might surprise yourself Flowers

You are allowed to be sad, angry, allowed to be happy, laugh and feel sad again, there are no rules, apart from, be kind to yourself.

PerkingFaintly · 15/04/2021 16:12

Just popping in with a Brew to say I'm still thinking of you.

Original poster
Sturmundcalm · 15/04/2021 21:04

Have arranged to go to get-together tomorrow evening. Trying to avoid making a decision yet about Saturday till I see how I get on with first one. Am starting to feel calmer though, I'm lucky enough to have a very supportive husband as well which does help.

Thanks all, and @PerkingFaintly have been having a lot of cuppas these day but more always appreciated!

OP posts:
PerkingFaintly · 15/04/2021 21:17

Sounds like a plan.Smile

Do you have an escape routine ready?

I'm rubbish at thinking on my feet, so have to plan in advance what to say if I need to leave without drama – also the logistics of getting away (eg don't share cars).

Original poster
Sturmundcalm · 15/04/2021 21:55

the supportive DH to the rescue - he'll pick me up whenever! and I'm sure it probably will be fine while I'm there, I'm planning on having a drink and I'm a happy drunk almost no matter what...

OP posts:
SaltyAF · 15/04/2021 21:58

That's properly shit. I know of a mum in her 40s who died this year too. I lost my own DM five years ago but I think it would've been even worse under these circumstances.

I know I'm not helping you feel better about it, but I'm feeling your pain.

Horehound · 15/04/2021 22:00

This is very sad and I think how youre feeling is totally normal for someone who has lost anyone let alone both their parents in such a short space of time. I really feel for you.

SweatyPie · 15/04/2021 22:03

That's so horrible, to be waiting for restrictions and following rules only for tragedy to strike regardless.

Very sorry for your loss, but thank God for your husband, what a relief to have someone to support you. Look after yourself, and go at your own pace, you don't have to rush and meet people of up not up to it

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